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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell her she needs to cancel?

303 replies

Chikapu · 16/11/2022 09:04

My friend has sent me a message telling me she's coming to see me and that she's booked a hotel and flights. I didn't invite her, she's literally taken it upon herself to think that this is ok and that I'll drop everything to accommodate her.
I'm speechless at her cheek tbh and don't want her to come, would I be a bitch to tell her to cancel?

OP posts:
sugarapplelane · 16/11/2022 09:52

It’s simple Op. just tell her you’re unavailable. That is ok you know.
It’s her problem as she didn’t communicate anything with you.

stuntbubbles · 16/11/2022 09:56

SuperCamp · 16/11/2022 09:47

Are you working?
Do you have kids?

It sounds as if you are simply annoyed by the principle that she has done this, rather than the practicalities.

If you DO have plans / obligations during that time, well obviously it is ridiculous of her to think you can suddenly be at her disposal.

Also you haven’t said when this is? Has she booked for next week…or given you 3 months notice.

If you want us to be outraged on your behalf you need to give more details.

This in spades!

I quite like my friends and I like it even more when they take on the time and cost burden of travel to see me, and stay in a hotel so I don’t have to do anything, but get the pleasure of their company. I’d be a bit bemused by a surprise booking such as this, especially if it fell on working days, but I’d probably roll with it assuming I didn’t have anything major in my schedule like surgery under general anaesthetic or a funeral or something.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 16/11/2022 09:56

Chikapu · 16/11/2022 09:17

Would you all genuinely be ok with someone presuming they can drop in on you for three days without asking or waiting to be invited? I find that hard to believe.

If i didn't have anything else planned then wouldn't bother me, if i had plans i'd tell her when i was available 🤷🏼‍♀️

KarenOLantern · 16/11/2022 09:57

My mum does this ALL THE BLOODY TIME, and has been doing it at least once a year for the whole 15 years since I left home (I see her more than once a year, and most of the time she does check in advance, lulls me into a false sense of security, and then boom, a year later, "I've booked my train to come and see you next month!").

Here's how I deal with it: basically, despite how infuriating it is, I still do want to see her. So, if I have got plans then I revel in telling her very firmly that she'll need to change her tickets and it was a bloody stupid thing to do, and hope that this time the money she's lost on the tickets will make her think more carefully in future (it never does).

But, if I don't have other plans then I tell her "hang on, I'll have to check whether we're going to be there those days because we are going away that month but I can't remember the exact dates, let me check my calendar," then leave her hanging a couple of days before saying "it's OK, LUCKILY we're going away on different dates, isn't that LUCKY for you, so you won't have the cost of changing your tickets!" Then I make an effort to forget about the annoyance and focus on enjoying the stay (until the next bloody time it happens).

But seriously though, if she's a good friend and you enjoy her company then I would make the effort, just find a way of letting her know she really needs to check next time.

Alexandernevermind · 16/11/2022 09:57

Your updates put another slant on it.
The question is, do you have the free time and do you want to spend the time with her? There is nothing wrong with telling her that you aren't free during that time, and if you don't want to see her then you need to be honest. You could even say you are free for dinner or lunch once or twice and make it very clear that she needed to check before she booked.
My relative showed up at popular holiday destination on the other side of the world, on Christmas Eve, to "surprise" one of her friends. The rest of the family tried so hard to persuade her not to do it, but apparently they would be "delighted" to see them 😂.

rainbowstardrops · 16/11/2022 09:58

It was strange of her to just announce she was coming to visit you without a discussion but unless you don't see her as a close friend, or you are genuinely too busy on those dates, wouldn't you welcome spending some time with her?

How often do you see each other and how far away does she live?

maslinpan · 16/11/2022 09:58

She seems to have communicated very clearly with you, so you can be just as clear and blunt back: I am only available on these days, I wish you had asked before booking and I could have made different arrangements. And then don't let her guilt you!

OngoingCrisis · 16/11/2022 09:59

If you are good friends then you should be able to talk to her and be honest. "I appreciate the thought but it would have been better if you checked first. I won't have time to do XYZ with you but I could do X on Saturday, I'll let you know"

roarfeckingroarr · 16/11/2022 09:59

If it was a close friend I would love this. Don't you like her? Is it very soon?

knittingaddict · 16/11/2022 09:59

MN really has turned into a bunch of arseholes trying to make others feel bad.

I get it op. In the real world who does this without having a conversation and checking first? Answer? No one.

ChristmasCwtch · 16/11/2022 10:00

I had this but from a friend with a husband and 3 kids, expecting to stay for a week!!

So I’ve said they’re welcome for 3 nights, but then I’m going away with work and someone else coming to stay to look after my DC (aka they can’t stay in our house).

I then got a message back asking could they stay the 4th and 7th night of their trip. I’ve said no.

Such an imposition!! At least yours is for 3 days and staying in a hotel. Just say that you can’t take time off work/have already booked theatre tickets to go with a friend for one of the nights blah blah whatever excuse.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 16/11/2022 10:01

You don't have to tell her to cancel, but she can't command you to drop everything for the three days. She has booked flights and hotel at her own expense, that's her lookout. You can let her know when within those 3 days you are available (if at all) and stick to it. She can't make you be at home and can't make you go shopping/whatever else she wants to do. Friends do not do that. If she tries, then she is not your friend. You aren't a prop for her fantasy life.

Labnehi · 16/11/2022 10:01

Chikapu · 16/11/2022 09:11

She's expecting me to spend the whole three days with her, meeting her in the morning, going shopping, taking her round places of interest, going drinking at night. She's really not planning on entertaining herself.

Then just tell her you won't be doing that. She can then cancel if she wants to

ChristmasCwtch · 16/11/2022 10:02

Oh and my friend has started ordering giant bloody parcels to my house 😖

Miss03852 · 16/11/2022 10:02

Also it’s a stupid thing to not check first considering we still have Covid. Omicron is spreading, I have Covid right now as do many others.

MinnieGirl · 16/11/2022 10:03

I would be furious.
I hate people dropping in, my home is my castle and I get to choose who I invite to visit, not the other way round.
I would message back saying I hope you are not coming just to see me, as I have already got commitments I cannot cancel and won’t be able to catch up with you. And I would not see her at all.
And if she says yes I am then you can say that frankly you find her actions a bit cheeky and next time could you please have a conversation.
If I was feeling really generous and I liked her, I might say I could meet her for coffee for a few hours at X time and at X place but that would be all.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 16/11/2022 10:04

Actually the more I think of it the more annoyed I am on your behalf. The cheek of her to book and just assume she could land on you like that although I understand its a hotel shes going to but I do not even entertain someone arriving at my home without a prior agreement. I would be petty and actually book myself out of the country or county that specific weekend to show her she cant just do that.

MinnieGirl · 16/11/2022 10:05

ChristmasCwtch · 16/11/2022 10:02

Oh and my friend has started ordering giant bloody parcels to my house 😖

That would really annoy me….. I would refuse to take them in

pinkpotatoez · 16/11/2022 10:06

If you're free and you like you friend surely it's a lovely surprise ?

Beautiful3 · 16/11/2022 10:08

Well, she's staying in a hotel, so that's okay. I think I'd check the dates and offer her a meal and drinks at mine one night, and spend one day with her. But I wouldn't be available for the whole 3 days. As long as you explain what you can do, and suggest the local gallery/theatre/museum/park/shopping centres. She can make up her own mind if she's happy with that, or to cancel.

KimberleyClark · 16/11/2022 10:10

Have you put her off a lot in the past and she thinks the only way she can get to see you is to do this?

Fiftyand · 16/11/2022 10:11

If you haven’t got anything planned I don’t see the problem. If you already have things planned tell her you can’t see her!

Moveoverdarlin · 16/11/2022 10:12

It’s a bit off that she didn’t check the dates with you, but don’t cut your nose off to spite your face. If you don’t have anything else on when she’s here, you could have 3 really fun days. You’re not hosting, she’s not staying and has probably gone to a lot of expense on hotels and flights. It sounds like she was trying to surprise you. If she’s given you a few weeks notice, you may feel differently in a few days. If on those dates, you’re going to be in and sat watching Corrie, it seems mad to tell her your unavailable just because your annoyed she didn’t check with you first. Embrace your friends, don’t turn them away.

Moonface31 · 16/11/2022 10:13

It's a bit odd, but a long way from cheeky. You have plans? Tell her what time you can spare her for the three days and that she should check next time. You don't have plans? - Great, a surprise visit from a friend! Agree with PP that the amount of notice that she's given you is very relevant here. If it's a few months, you're massively unreasonable for getting angry and don't sound like you like her at all. If it's days - yeah she's batshit 😂

AlisonDonut · 16/11/2022 10:15

How have you responded OP?