To tell her she needs to cancel?

[Chikapu]

My friend has sent me a message telling me she's coming to see me and that she's booked a hotel and flights. I didn't invite her, she's literally taken it upon herself to think that this is ok and that I'll drop everything to accommodate her.
I'm speechless at her cheek tbh and don't want her to come, would I be a bitch to tell her to cancel?

Let me get this straight. She’s booked her own travel, and her own accommodation, and you think you have a right to tell her she has to cancel?!

I live in a tourist city, and friends often ‘visit’ but I’ve never felt obliged to nanny them around town for the duration. Just say you’ll meet for dinner, or a walk or whatever you are actually comfortable with and stop being so dramatic.

By all means, tell her what your availability is while she’s over and be clear she’ll have to explore alone when you’re not free but honestly it sounds like you don’t like this person, so maybe that’s the conversation you should be having instead

I'm sensing from your post that you are coming across as a people pleaser.

So she actually booked somewhere to sleep so this isn't seen as an inconvenience to the OP, according to you. While that is being considerate, it's not deserving of praise from the 'friend'.

Why is it up to the OP to plan things for the 'friend' to do if she can't make herself available for the 3 days?

Why is the onus on the OP to actually make themselves available for these three days considering the 'friend' didn't see fit to actually enquire as to whether the OP was actually free on these days to do things with them?

What will happen if you say, 'Oh, that's a nice surprise. I'm busy on x days/evenings but totally up for meeting on y and z.'?

Is there a history that explains why you're so confident that she wants you to see/entertain her the whole time?

"Dear Friend, I'm free on the Thursday night, let's meet up then"

She may have contacted several people and is just trying to fit as many catchups in as possible

Someone did this to me and I just accommodated them the first time (because I could), but told them to please consult with me in future, because I can't guarantee my availability. They didn't do it again without consulting me on dates.

Maybe because it's a friend? I love my friends dearly and if any of them sprung a surprise visit on me I'd want to see them, and if I really couldn't see them I'd still want them to have a nice time in my city so I would suggest fun stuff for them to do. It's what you do with people you actually like. I wouldn't passively aggressively punish them for having the audacity to not ask me before they book their trip, and I definitely wouldn't make them cancel. That's just bonkers.

This.
I am agog at the number of people who think that because you don't want to spend three unexpected days entertaining/showing a friend around that you can't be much of a friend.

She doesn't need to cancel. Let her waste her money and time, pay for her flights, hotel etc.

"Sorry, I have other plans then and won't be available. Busy busy! What a shame you made all those arrangements before mentioning it to me."

is it your sister or your MIL?

It doesn’t work for you and if she’d been sensible enough to ask, she’d have found that out. Decide when does suit you and then only see her at those times or tell her to come but you can’t see her at all or tell her to cancel the whole thing. Personally, I think the first option is the kindest. She does need to learn that things don’t revolve around her whims, though.

'Oh how exciting! I wish you'd checked with me first as I can't get holiday for then/run out of holidays/ I'm away myself with a friend/sister. I hope you have a brilliant time'

I don't get this thread. Unless there is a massive back history here where OP is basically in an extremely subservient position in this friendship (which would be weird but I guess it does happen to some people) , all you need to do is send her a one line message saying "Oh so sorry about this but I have booked to [go on holiday to the other side of the planet those weeks] I won't be here when you arrive"
or equivalent
and leave it at that.

It is her fault for booking it all without getting an outright "that is great, looking forward to seeing you yes lets do all those things" express communication from you.

It's ok, I kind of expected it. People will say anything to be contrary!

I do like my friend, we've known each other for a long time, long enough for her to know I wouldn't be comfortable with this in fact. I just don't like the assumption that it's ok to turn up without prior agreement. It smacks of thinking my time isn't important or that I have nothing to do that I can't drop for her.

OP is probably not a fan of piss-taking, so-called friends who expect her to fall in line with their every whim.

You could very easily have been on holiday that week OP - most of us lead busy lives and an element of forward planning is the considerate way to go!

If your thread had asked the questions ‘AIBU to think she’s a bit cheeky to presume I’m free’ everyone would have said of course your not, she’s a CF.

But you didn’t… you said ‘AIBU to tell her to cancel’. That’s a rather extreme reaction to someone who’s meant to be a friend. Especially when you actually are free… This has attracted a number of people who think you’re being mean spirited and unfriendly!

That’s the difference here I think

You're right of course. Those people who disagree with this are the kind of people who think it's fine to bring someone along on a night out without consulting anyone because it's the more the merrier. Or who think it's fine to drop round to someone's house with no notice.

Not saying this is wrong, but they're not compatible with people who can't stand being surprised or who don't want randoms just showing up and spoiling the vibe. Doesn't mean the people who don't like things sprung on them are bad friends or anti social. They're just different. It also sounds like OP's friend should know her better.

And obviously she's free to travel any where she likes any time she wants but if I wasn't here with the assumption that I would entertain her she wouldn't be doing that. She doesn't travel alone and spend time alone in strange cities, it's not her.

I'll talk to her and tell her that it's not conveinient for me that she comes so close to Christmas without asking me first, I can guarantee that this will be a friendship ender for her.

How is it ‘coming to see you?’ She’s got a hotel, not staying at your house. Just meet for dinner. Sounds like you don’t like her.

I cannot get over a lot of the responses on here. Chikapu is not being unreasonable at all. It is normal to contact anyone who you expect to see on a visit to make sure that they are free to do so, never mind someone that you expect to be around for the whole weekend.

Do you have plans that weekend?
If you do have plans explain the problem and fit her in when those plans are done.

If you don't have plans then enjoy the unexpected fun times with your friend.

If you are super annoyed she's making an assumption and you want to teach her a lesson then book something else and be away.

TBF I had a friend like this - she moved to a foreign city and would come back to visit and expect everyone to just be available whenever she wanted. She'd say in advance "I'll be over these dates" but wouldn't answer questions about specifics when to see her. Then you'd get a message when she was over "Hey lets meet for lunch tomorrow" I'd reply "Oh will you be in London?" and she'd say no meet me at home town location and be most affronted that you couldn't last minute book a days holiday or do a 4 hour lunch to allow for the commute!

She also got really annoyed if people didn't have at least 1 holiday a year at the city she moved too.

In the end everyone gradually let the friendship die down and as far as I know she's not in touch with any old friends. It was a shame as she was actually really nice in all other ways, but genuinely didn't seem to understand other people had live outside of her!

I absolutely agree.

She’s cheeky to expect you to be free. But you can’t really ‘tell her to cancel’.

You can tell her you’re busy and perhaps she’d like to rearrange to a time you’re not busy.

It just doesn’t seem like something to be so livid about when you actually have all the power to say no, because her flights & hotel are nothing to do with you.

I'm struggling to understand the relationship dynamic here. You do like her – does she like you? If you've known each other for long enough for her to know you won't be comfortable with this, why is she doing it? Is it the first time? Or is there history?
And you 'can guarantee that this will be a friendship ender for her' if you don't make yourself 100% available? Really? Again, is there a history that makes this so certain? Why does/would she behave like this?

Considering how most of MN don't even answer their front doors to unexpected visitors I'm surprised at the bashing that OP is getting.