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AIBU?

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Original poster

In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

603 replies

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 17:07

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 15/11/2022 18:56

Your DH needs to deal with this, fast and effectively.

As in ‘non maman et pere, these gifts have been generously given to Ds, and Ds will be taking them home with him’.

rosiebl · 15/11/2022 18:56

OP, you definitely need to just say 'no worries ILs, I'm not familiar with these traditions. I'm just going to pop a message to them to thank them for the gift on your behalf and let them know that you've decided to keep it. I wouldn't want them to think we were rude if they never saw a pic of DS with it'.

I think it's very suspicious that the gifts they are keeping happen to be the precious metals.

FinallyHere · 15/11/2022 18:57

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 17:26

Trouble is my husband is on their side! All madness. They’re insisting it stays. I had to take the rest undercover, but they have the whereabouts of the frame tracked at all times!!

Oh dear

Hope this is the only time that happens.

onlythreenow · 15/11/2022 18:57

Just take it. Who cares what they think. If you never see them again, you won't be missing much.

This. Just take the gifts and leave. They have already "insisted" where the baptism be held, now they want the expensive gifts - where will it end? I would be keeping well away from them in future, and if you have any more DC then stand firm on where the baptism is. As for your DH - he's an idiot. Maybe come to a compromise, you take the gifts, they keep DH instead.

anonacfr · 15/11/2022 19:00

I can't believe your DH is on board with this.
He's happy for his parents to steal their grandchild's gifts?

diddl · 15/11/2022 19:01

Well I guess you now know why they insisted why the baptism be in France!

Zanatdy · 15/11/2022 19:03

Imagine gifting a baby a christening gift to find out later the g-parents kept it! Unbelievable how cheeky some people can be. The gifts belong to the baby, doesn’t matter who gifted it.

MissEnolaHolmes · 15/11/2022 19:05

If there both drop down dead in their possession it is their assets thus you have no rights.

you are his parents you keep the gifts

sounds like a Dh problem and a big red flag

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/11/2022 19:11

UndisclosedBlackPudding · 15/11/2022 17:55

Oh yes say this!

Show quote history

Better to ask the grandparents why they are stealing from their grandson.
Interesting to note they are only interested in the gold and silver gifts.

MsFogi · 15/11/2022 19:12

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 17:26

Trouble is my husband is on their side! All madness. They’re insisting it stays. I had to take the rest undercover, but they have the whereabouts of the frame tracked at all times!!

Tell him he is only returning to England with you if he has the frame in his possession, otherwise you will be returning home without him and he will have to stay with the frame to make sure it is safe your dc. 'It's what the gift giver would have wanted'.

hiyaqwerty · 15/11/2022 19:12

Ergh god I can imagine it's culturally something that they do, and your dh siding with them so it stays with his family in his 'home' country 🙄

Can you ask the relative is the gift for in-laws or baby as they are not allowing you to take the baby gift home with you.

Craftybodger · 15/11/2022 19:13

Yes, your PIL are nuts but also extremely entitled.

The gifts were for your son. I would write thank you letters expressing your sadness that DS has not been able to keep the gifts. It will kick off from there. Any future children will be baptised at home, you have good reason to insist on this in future.

Bumzoo · 15/11/2022 19:15

Absolutely not. I can't believe your DH agrees.

SeatonCarew · 15/11/2022 19:16

deeperthanallroses · 15/11/2022 17:55

‘What an interesting custom. We shall have to have every future celebration in England since this doesn’t work for me. Imagine if it had been our wedding here Dh, it would have been one of the shortest marriages in history. Come on, let’s take our son home to a place where when people give presents they give presents , we can always come back and visit again, perhaps next decade.

and in private to Dh don’t tell me that this is custom it is 100% batshit and I’ll have no more of it. We are going home and not coming back, it’s time for my family custom of not treating me like an idiot or stealing my childs things. You should be ashamed of yourself and you absolutely have only yourself to blame that we won’t be back fro a long time. When they say Darling why don’t you all visit?? You can explain It’s because you’re a jerk to my wife, and I let you be.

i have French family and this is not French, it’s just controlling and nuts. No more ‘customs’ for your little family! Lucky you have learnt this before your ds gets old enough to notice!

Excellent post.

As the possessor myself of controlling northern European in-laws I can only advise

" NOOOoooooooohhhhhhh!!!'

Stand up for your son OP, and read your husband the riot act. You've got this.

hiyaqwerty · 15/11/2022 19:19

I'm from a different culture to your dh. When I got married, my dh gifted me quite a lot of gold, and of course my mil wanted to keep it for me somewhere 'safe'. Her keeping it isn't any safer than me keeping it, so I didn't hand it over and told dh that it's my gift and don't want to have to ask her for it everytime, he (thankfully) agreed.
A lot of other mils in my culture do this and the dil never sees her gold ever again.

SeatonCarew · 15/11/2022 19:19

Snugglemonkey · 15/11/2022 18:12

Outrageous. I agree with PPS. I would be v clear with DH that there will never be another celebration in France if the presents are going to be stolen, that you consider it theft and actually won't be going back over to stay with people who would steal from you, and that you will be very clear in your thank you note that you were not allowed to take the frame and how it is a great shame as you loved it. They can keep the frame, but they will not be seeing you or your son again as all trust is lost when people steal from your child.

Excellent post.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/11/2022 19:20

I'd not mention it again and then once you are safely out of their clutches, go totally Grey Rock. No calls, visits, cards, gifts. Nothing. Let your husband deal with them as he sees fit, sans you and the baby.

Anyone who would outright steal from their grandchild isn't worth bothering with. If they come to England, make it clear to your husband that they will be staying in a hotel and he can deal with them alone. You're done as of the christening.

Thieves.

Hellsmovie · 15/11/2022 19:21

Show a bit back bone. They will soon back down they're french it's what they do.

Obviously I'm kidding.

Somanysocks · 15/11/2022 19:22

Find a couple of beautiful things of theirs that you like, and pack them in your luggage. Hold them to ransom and say you'll be bereft if you can't take them home.

ReedRite · 15/11/2022 19:23

OctaviaWS12 · 15/11/2022 18:48

Thank you all for these wonderful messages. It has given me a good laugh 🤣.
they hide it!!!! They’re nuts. They suddenly changed once gifts came around.
they said I’m a ‘stranger’ to the gift giver and I wouldn’t know what she would want for the gift. (Even though it was addressed to DS).
they’re now insisting on keeping the godfather’s gift of a gold pendant as ‘he means a lot to them so they want it close’.

They’re not nuts, they’re greedy bastards who’d steal from their own grandchild.

Hideous behaviour.

SeatonCarew · 15/11/2022 19:24

billy1966 · 15/11/2022 18:13

What an arse your husband is.

Quite. Don't you just love it when your husband tells you exactly where you figure in the pecking order,.

(Clue : it's below his parents, his family and your child).

Rein him in harshly now or it will never stop.

Sallyh87 · 15/11/2022 19:24

What would their approach be to cash gifts 😂?

They sound absolutely unhinged, they are your child’s gifts not theirs! Or even yours. It will be nice when they are older to have these things.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/11/2022 19:26

Wtf is wrong with your DH?? Tell him to get his act together! They are presents for your child not for his grandparents and you, as parents, will be the guardian of them until your DS is old enough to have them himself.

Give your DH one chance to speak to them and/or retrieve the frame and anything else they’ve nicked, and if he won’t, you’ll have to speak for yourself. Tell them who the gifts belong to; tell them this has put you off ever coming to France for an occasion again; and tell them you’re very sad on your DS’s behalf that his gifts have been taken from him rather than coming home with him as they should.

Msloverlover · 15/11/2022 19:26

how are they with you generally? This leaked me think that they don’t think you will last the distance and that they are keeping the gifts in case of a breakup…

hiyaqwerty · 15/11/2022 19:26

This also reminds me of the times my childs uncle
(Dh bro) would gift my child toys, but had to remain in his house, dc was not allowed to take it home with him 😂