In Laws Keeping the Baptism Gifts

[OctaviaWS12]

So, last week was our sons baptism, hosted in France (the country where my DH is from however we live in England ). (My inlaws insisted it be hosted here). Anyway, our son was very lucky and received lots of lovely gifts from his relatives. However, two gifts in particular caused issues. From a friend of the family, he received a hand crafted silver picture frame (worth quite a bit of money!) . My in laws say that it has to stay in their house, so that the person who gifted it can see it and they can enjoy it. However, we don’t see our in laws very often as they are ‘busy’, maybe twice a year. In addition, they said that we would have to decide together who takes the gold and silver gifts
home, as they want to keep some as a ‘memento’ of the baptism. Am I unreasonable for asking to take all of them home? To where DS lives ? As the gifts were for him. In addition, my husband works away a lot and I’m often caring for my DS alone, and with the help of my parents. I’m concerned that if they stay with my in laws, he will never see them.

I honestly still don't get it.

The gifts were for the child.

It's so very simple really.

I agree. Imagine if the DIL had retrieved from PIL suitcase and hidden gold and silver gifts that the PIL had received for their wedding anniversary. That the DIL said she was the custodian of said expensive gifts - one handmade in silver. That would be crazy but it’s what her PIL are doing with gifts given to their grandson on behalf of his baptism. I hope that the DIL can get her sons presents back.

Going through someone's suitcase and removing items that don't belong to you is stealing.

Please pass on any gifts you have received that I believe you don't give a shiny shite about to me. In fact I'd be happy to come round to your house and rummage through your cupboards to find them.

I’m wondering if @OctaviaWS12 would have grounds for an annulment?

I can't think what the grounds would be (they have a son, it's certainly consummated) but I'm not Catholic. Certainly worth asking the priest.

The gifts were for the child. The child's father said that the gifts could remain in France ; the child's mother said the gifts should remain with her. Does one parent's opinion or decision carry more weight than the other parent ?

It is a shameful situation for a family to squabble over such nonsense. If the gifts are ultimately given to the grandson at the moment that he is old enough to want or care about them, what difference will it have made as to where they had been collecting dust prior to his receiving them.

I would think that peace in a family is worth more than a few decorative items. In my family, we value relationships far more than trinkets or shallow sentiments, but that is for each family to decide.

Please leave. Please take your son and stop this control and gaslighting now / everyone is telling you it is wrong. It is not about trust it is about theft. They are grandparents and not parents. Ensure your son has a British passport and does not go back to France. End of.

Unbelievable. I'm so sorry, @OctaviaWS12
This is obviously about more than the gifts now. I hope your outrageous in-laws are happy for totally screwing everything up. Hugs.

I suggest you contact both your priest here and the priest in France for advice - hopefully the latter might have a word with your not so "D" H and warn him that he's risking his marriage.

I think I’d contact the police and a solicitor. Disgraceful behaviour of them, and your dh is a spineless twat who needs to grow a pair.

Consider refusing to sign the French passport and ID application if your signature is required.

If OP can make a case the DH misled her at the time of the marriage contract then the contract can be voided (as far as I understand it) DH is hardly putting OP before all others, and if he always intended OP to come second to his parents then OP could make a case for annullment.

I know a woman who had her marriage annulled after finding out her husband was, and had been since before they married, a compulsive gambler. Mountains of debt going back years that she had no idea about. The marriage was annulled after a number of years and 2 kids.

Please just leave DH now. It’s not going to get any better- I’m so so sorry for you.

When you write your thank you notes, make sure you say that the gift is still in France as your in laws assured you that's what they (the gift giver) would want for the gift, and you hope one day when your son is older he will learn of the gifts

I'm Catholic and I'm getting divorced. I don't care whether the church agrees or not. The Catholic Church has enough to answer for as it is.

You could say that you believe they sent / brought a gift to commemorate the baptism and it’s much appreciated and you hope that in the fullness of time it will find its way to DS

That's exactly what I thought too.

Excellent question. I wonder what their reply would be if OP said to them "Right, let's sit down and discuss which of the gifts my parents get to keep at their house as a memento. Since yours are having some, it's only fair, and they will be devastated if they don't get any."

Any hesitation whatsoever and he gets in the bin.

I wouldn't be going back there in a hurry. What a horrible thing to do.

Me too.

They didn't have children, but he had a gambling habit. She went back to the priest who she did the marriage course with.
He was so kind and recommended she go for annulment and he would support it.
She worked with me, a lovely woman.

I and others were very surprised at how quickly it came through, as I had always thought it was a very difficult thing to get.

I know of another woman, a very nice neighbour of mine who married around the time I did.

She was also Catholic and a couple of years later I heard they had separated and she went for an annulment as he didn't want children and she did.
Again it was on the basis of marrying under false pretences.
These were nearly thirty years ago.
Haven't heard of anyone since.

If it is important to the OP, it is worth considering.

I haven't been to a religious wedding in years.

Would anyone really decide to end a marriage over the disposition of some trinkets given as gifts at a Baptismal reception? I would think that this would have to be a marriage that was not valued by the OP and her husband if something so trivial would cause them to end the marriage.

Can you imagine saying to your child , " I ended the marriage because your father did not support my position in a disagreement with your grandmother over the keeping or custody of a picture frame and s napkin ring that were given as gifts at your Baptismal reception"?

Can you imagine any child thinking that to be a good or acceptable reason for ending a marriage and breaking up a family?

Well, I'd just hope they weren't so unbelievably stupid that they thought the problem was about the trinkets. I'd hope I was raising more intelligent offspring who could look deeper and wider than that. 🤷

But, even if I wasn't and they had the IQ of a cup of cold custard I still wouldn't need to justify my decision to them because the decision to end a marriage is not dependent on a child thinking your reason is acceptable.

I would certainly rethink my 30 year marriage if I was staying with my inlaws and my husband supported them rifling through my luggage and removed a gift to my child.

I would be utterly appalled at the utter vulgarity of their actions and would definitely wonder what sort of people they were.

Rifling through a guests luggage is not normal.
That my husband would support it would have me thinking I did not know him or my inlaws.

'I ended the marriage because your grandparents are rancid and your father has the backbone of a blancmange'.