Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

[Cheeseboards]

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

Nope they shouldn't be friends. I don't believe in men and women being close friends. Mingling within groups is fine, but a close one to one relationship is a big no. I don't believe you can be 'just friends' with the opposite sex without one of them developing feelings for the other. Especially if they confide in one another with relationships/marital issues they have.

Men are men, if you really think he's seeing revealing pics of her and liking it, he's not once thinking of being with her? If he gets the chance he would. Takes a good man with morals to not cheat.

I think the posters saying they have friends of the opposite sex and that men and women can be just friends are perhaps missing that it's not about him having a female friend, or even all of the things he's done, it's a combination of things along with a change of behaviour.

I agree. I suspect that they haven't read the OP's updates.

Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is fine. Constantly messaging them like a lovesick teenager, staying out all night with said "friend", gaslighting the OP when she voices her concerns - not fine. In fact red flags.

With comments like that, I think you're the one with the shitty personality.

And yes, I am as attractive as I think I am. I was particularly striking at one point. People don't fail to let you know.

And I really do pity people who think men and women cannot be friends. I know some absolutely wonderful people and I treasure them like my family. I'm sorry people are missing out on that out of some bizarre duty to their partner to isolate themselves from half of society. All sounds rather Victorian to me.

Oh male friends can definitely have ulterior motives. Every time a boyfriend and I split up I had male friends rally around to "make sure I was okay" and then lose interest in my existence once I got a new boyfriend that wasn't them.

Ok hun

Nope, I just have a realistic understanding of men unfortunately. There is a difference between friendship and whatever is going on here also.

Yeah it's the cool wife woke learning.

Oh for goodness sake. I was a terrible wife. Couldn't be bothered with it at all. Cool wife indeed.

Do you not understand that some people are just not bothered by this stuff because they trust their partner? Yes, they can act suspiciously but I think the threshold is pretty low here. I do exactly what he's doing most days. I just don't think it's a big deal. If I start thinking the person I'm dating is a shit, they're out. And nothing I can do can make them less of a shit so I might as well chill out and enjoy my life.

It's got nothing to do with pleasing men and everything to do with not obsessing over them. You don't need a man so bin him if you're not happy. And that's my advice to the OP.

Oh for goodness sake. I was a terrible wife. Couldn't be bothered with it at all. Cool wife indeed

That's a surprise, why were you a terrible wife ?

You can think this as much as you like, doesn't make it true!

I have male friends who I've known for 4 decades.
Your attitude is weirdly prescriptive - do you think everything is about sex, & good friends can't keep their paws off each other?

What about lesbians - are they never allowed female friends?

Some men and women can be close but purely platonic friends, but OP, your partner's behaviour would bother me, too. It does seem that he has an unhealthy level of obsession with certain of his female friends, and I would not be okay with that!

You're allowed to have boundaries that you expect your partner to respect. You "just" have to decide what your boundaries are and explain them to your partner. If he'd rather have his bizarrely intense friendships than make you feel safe and secure in your relationship, that tells you everything you need to know, and you can act accordingly.

It's hardly life story time on someone else's thread

I was all for YABU until you said his reaction was anger and turning it all on you. This is what you call GASLIGHTING and is a massive red flag. The fact that he reacted angrily suggests feelings of guilt and anger that he’s been found out. Trust your gut and kick him out.

OP is so uptight he's out several times a week till 7am and that doesn't bother her...
She was 'insecure' on the previous occasion because of the way her DP was reacting getting angry when the other woman didn't want to meet up with him. Sure all completely normal here, nothing to see but an uptight girlfriend.

If you're gut feeling tells you it's weird. Listen to her! Obviously you want to give him the benefit of the doubt..BUT you'll feel like an idiot if you find out the texts weren't so innocent as you thought. So, if he's getting annoyed or angry that would be a big red flag for me. Even reassurance can be complete BS. Ask him to see the messages? If you can trust him he won't have an issue with showing you.

If you have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach you need to trust that feeling because I've been there I knew she wanted him we split up she made her move it's not just men that chase it's women to