Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

[Cheeseboards]

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

I don't think your argument works because you equate gut instinct with irrational jealousy. And there is nothing irrational about the OP's feelings. She is questioning what is appropriate foin relation to her expectations and boundaries. Her feelings are hers to own. You operate differently.

And you don't need confirmed evidence in any situation where your gut has alerted you to something being 'off'. You only need to decide whether you're happy being in that situation, or not. Some people on here need evidence to validate their feelings. Others don't.

Foin? For her in

This is mumsnet, it's a very strange place. Personally I think there's some red flags here - the extra texting, liking pics, and especially the getting angry when you brought it up. My husband has many female work friends, some he even meets up with 1 on 1 to play various sport, which I hate...I have no problem with female friendships. But if any of the things mentioned started to bother me, I would definitely have a conversation, and expect to be reassured and listened to. If he got angry, that would be a big problem. Especially if you've been cheated on before- of course you need to be careful about bringing back those emotions, but he needs to be aware of how you'll be triggered.

The only aspect of you being unreasonable is your constant apologies for your own feelings throughout your post. Ignore the posters telling you it's you being unreasonable - IRL if their boyfriends or husbands were liking scantily clad images of young, pretty female collagues and constantly texting them they'd hit the roof.

Have young women had a massive number done on them in the past few years, where they have to put up with huge amounts of shit and not only that but then beat themselves up that it's their own insecurity?
Screw that.

More likely just a poster who will always give an OP a kicking, whatever the circs, and has chosen to adopt the much-used ‘cool girl’ approach on here.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

I wonder why he added the extra detail of her cheating on her b/f OP.
Why would he make a point of telling you something so disconcerting about the woman with the sexy Insta who he's now texting daily?

And this daily texting, which ramped up outside of the colleague group whatsapp ... does he have male friends who he texts daily, to this extent?

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

He reacts with anger to being asked a reasonable question about a woman asking to meet him every time she has a day off.
He reacted with anger when a previous female friend did not want to meet him.

He seems to believe that women should do what he wants, be available to him when he wants, & should never question him.

THAT would be the deal-breaker for me.
Men & women can be good platonic friends, no question. But there needs to be sensitivity to partners' feelings. Your b/f is showing you no consideration. He doesn't want to reassure you - his go-to response is anger.
He is undermining you OP. Making you feel insecure. Telling you that there will be repercussions if you try to put your feelings over to him.

I think he's after making you dance the Pick-Me Dance.

www.chumplady.com/?s=pick+me+dance

Ah, a cool wife.

it’s not unreasonable to object to constant texts between your partner and another woman.

I think you're right to feel uneasy.

Most men aren't genuinely interested in being friends with women...flame away. Ever noticed they only make friends with attractive women their age or younger. They never become close friends and text 60 year old Margaret from payroll do they?

Yeah so if you feel like you can't trust your partner, break up with them, as I said.

Who wants to date someone if you spend all your time miserable because you're convinced you're being cheated on?

The amount of "cool girlfriends" on this thread is really sad. Stop gaslighting OP. Just because you have no standards and no boundaries doesn't mean she needs to compromise on hers. She is not "irrationally jealous" 🙄 she is noticing a problematic shift in behaviour and reacting accordingly.

I'm too old to pretend texting another woman all the time is cool.

I'm too old to pretend staying out all night without me more than once in a blue moon is cool.

I'm too old to accept that I can't voice my discomfort and needs to my partner without being met with anger and defensiveness.

Hopefully one day you too can grow up and start expecting basic decency from the men in your life...

For context, I haven't been cheated on so this doesn't come from personal experience, just an outside view of the situation.

• Their texting ramped up to almost constantly
• She wants to meet up with him whenever possible, and is a cheat herself
• He has previously tried to meet up with another woman in a not-so-innocent way (being drunk is no excuse)
• He "likes" revealing photos of her
• He has mentionitis to the point OP was sick of hearing about her
• He got angry when OP mentioned insecurity around her

Yes, I'd say you have a point here, OP. It's the change which is worrying, along with his past behaviour. It's also not normal to be angry with mentioning your insecurities. If I said that to my partner, it would go:

"Hey DP, you mention Jane a lot and you're always texting. I have to say I feel a bit insecure about it."

"Don't worry Loics, I get that she can be a bit full on but she is just a friend. Maybe I mention her more than I should because we talk so often."

Or similar. You get the idea. DP doesn't have any close female friends, so for him to start this sort of behaviour would be a problem and I would be talking an angry response as confirmation something wasn't quite right.

<Sound the cool girl klaxon>

@RandomMusings7 & @Loics make good points, @Cheeseboards
Total red flags, I'm sorry..

He’s trying to cheat on you op. It’s only a matter of time before he manages it.

Absolutely spot on.

I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him OP. You are right to be suspicious. I wouldn’t be surprised if you come back at a later date to say he’s been cheating throughout your relationship.

OP, he has rings run round you🙄.

He's chasing other women, angry when they don't reciprocate, out until 7am and all in front of you while YOU apologise for questioning his behaviour.

Unbelievable and you couldn't make this up🙄.

He's a total fool made out of you and this will not end well for you.

He is 100% wasting your time.

For goodness sake don't get pregnant with this loser.

You deserve better.

Hopefully you will realise it before it is too late.

out socialising times a week sometimes until 7am (I would put money on him taking drugs on those nights)

how old is he op?

What is this Shame-By-Proxy about?

Where HE behaves badly, but YOU get to carry the shame feeling?

This update is horrible OP.
Your b/f really feels entitled to women's attention, jealous if they engage with a man who is not himself, & is so pissed off when a female colleague doesn't do his bidding that he plays mind games by text, slags her off, then drunk texts her.

After that ridiculous episode, he has the temerity to deny that he's behaved badly, & shut you down for even questioning it.

OP - there are loads of men out there who don't play mind games, undermine their g/f, or taunt them by parading their obsession with other women in front of them.

What are you getting out of this relationship? I could NOT be arsed with your b/f's attitude. You don't have to tolerate it either. He sounds like a sexist, pushy creep. Sorry.

I have a lot of male friends, and don't mind my DH having lots of female friends either. But I think things like liking revealing Insta photos and texting almost every day are red flags. Who texts their friends that much? Not me.

I used to think it was fine to be close to male friends and text loads, but then I had three of them in a row (with girlfriends/wives) tell me they wanted it to go further, so I cut off the friendships. It's also changed my mind on this topic - I still have male friends, but I don't have any male "best friends" that I'd text everyday or rely on loads.

If my husband texted another woman everyday - based on my experiences of what these men were like with me - I probs wouldn't be happy.

@Cheeseboards never apologise for a man’s behaviour making you feel insecure. This is all his fault.

How long have you been together? Being brutally honest he doesn’t sound like a decent partner and you are not well suited. Don’t stay in a relationship with a man who is in close contact with OW and who makes you feel bad for questioning what sounds like an emotional (possible physical) affair.

Tell him the relationship is over and ignore any promises to change. You deserve so much better than this.

And you sound naive. He's texting this woman (who cheats on her partner), almost every day, liking her revealing photo's on instagram, texting other women when he's drunk and getting angry when they won't meet up. He's going on lots of late drunken nights out with female colleagues and getting in really late at night. I'd bet my hat he's sleeping around. I'm old and I've see this hundreds of times.

OP, he sounds really horrible and you sound like you don't know what to think.

I sympathise because it is awful to realise that this person you love and trust is probably lying to you. It's very hard to acknowledge that they are not a believable source of information. I've had this in my own life a couple of times, and it does a number on your head.

I agree that the change in his behaviour with this woman sounds v suspicious and you are absolutely correct to have noticed and spoken to him about it.

I agree - comments like this just strike me as intentionally goady.

No, I don’t mind admitting I wouldn’t be “cool” with any of this. I would struggle to understand why my dh was in frequent communication with a woman from work who wants to meet up on his days off, posts scantily clad photos on sm which he “likes” (yuck) and then gets angry and defensive when I rightly question him about it.

Trust your gut OP - he’s taking you for a mug and doing it right under your nose so he can pretend its completely innocent and you’re the problem. Even if he’s not cheating, at the very least he’s one of these men who wants the comfort of a steady gf but also needs validation that he could shag other women that he’s “friends” with if he wanted which would be hugely off-putting for me. And stop saying you’re “ashamed” of yourself - get a bloody backbone woman!

Red flags all over the place, OP. You don't trust him and sounds like you're right not to. Also concerned that his response to your raising the issue is to get angry and shut you down, and make you feel like you're the one in the wrong.

I'd throw this one back, OP.