Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

[Cheeseboards]

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

There are some very naive women on this thread.

In my experience, men rarely become friends with attractive women who they don’t want to sleep with. They certainly don’t spend a lot of time texting women they don’t want to sleep with.

...Okay? Literally no-one has said they would expect that.

Same, pretty much. I recently remembered back when DS was a newborn and seeing a text from her on his phone that seemed odd and I confronted him about it immediately... I almost wish I'd opened his phone but I was struggling with a first baby and undiagnosed PND, maybe it was the best thing at the time that I didn't.

He left me a few years later and unsurprisingly they are now together. I will never believe that nothing happened before we split.

Trust yourself, OP. I hope it's nothing.

Tbh it's not his friend that should be making your uncomfortable. It's your partner. He regularly stays out all night (how is this even possible if he's working all the time too). He works with a lot of women and last year kept messaging one trying to get her to meet up and then got angry when she refused. Now, he's messaging this friend all the time too.
I'd leave. He doesn't prioritise you or spending time with you. He's living as though he's single. It sounds as though last year he was making his female colleague uncomfortable then he got angry when she tried to put boundaries in place.
If you want to give him another chance then tell him all of the bullshit needs to stop. He knows what the bullshit is. You wouldn't even need to define it for him.

You don't need to gather evidence, or hire a private detective, take control of the situation and ask the partner to show you his mobile phone, a partner that values the relationship will put your mind at rest and will respect your boundaries.
A partner that gets angry doesn't and is trying to deflect the problem onto you. Get rid.

Trust your gut.. if something feels off it usually is.

If he’s not already cheating.. he’s about to and he was probably doing it a year ago too. If you have to question it, you’re probably right. We know men cheat.. let’s stop pretending they don’t and we also know women don’t really care that much about being with someone who had a partner. I would make your escape plan.

Yes! Exactly this, just what I wanted to say. OP you deserve better than this, he’s not being a good man and treating you well he’s acting like a single man and personally I would make him one as soon as!

This

You are here because you know it’s not right. I have been there, don’t let him gaslight you and turn this against you, his reactions tell a different story. I also tried to justify his behaviour and tell myself he couldn’t possibly… he was and he cared only about himself because he thought he could get away with it. Trust yourself, don’t trust him, I am sure if you allow yourself to scratch the surface you will see what you are trying so hard to avoid. I am sorry, he does not sound like a ‘good man who loves you’ and that relationship does not look innocent and harmless either. Good luck!

This. Sorry OP, but you have nothing to feel guilty about -- red flags all over the place.

Trust your gut… generally, and most definitely in this situation. His reaction to the other woman who was reluctant to meet up doesn’t make him sound like a good or decent guy at all! Nor does his reaction to your insecurity over this recent friendship becoming closer. Reading all of this - I’d say there’s more to your partners behaviour. Good luck

This, 100%

Oh really?

I'm an attractive woman with many male friends. Are you suggesting they don't actually like me at all and are only interested in my tits?

I find that pretty offensive.

And yes, we message very frequently. Some of my best friends are men.

None of their partners have considered me a threat.

And this getting angry business - I'd get pretty bloody angry if a man accused me of having it off with a male friend. In fact, I'd dump them.

Some of you have worryingly little faith in your partners. Please can I ask why you are with men who must be kept on a leash? It sounds exhausting. Not to mention that a partner you don't trust will make you miserable.

I'm an attractive woman with many male friends. Are you suggesting they don't actually like me at all and are only interested in my tits?

Yes and no. We're suggesting that if you didn't happen to also be attractive, your great personality would not be enough to keep them around. And at least some of them would like to shag you.

Exactly this.

My husband has several colleagues that he goes out for lunch with occasionally and it wouldn't occur to me have a problem, and likewise when I worked.

@LadyOfTheFliessssss is the above behaviour applicable to you, including these male friends liking Instagram pictures?

This is not about normal friendly mixed relationships which many people have.

Nothing about his behaviour is normal.

Liking skimpy pictures of other women is not how respectful men behave in a relationship 🙄.

That's incredibly rude. I've known these people since I was a child and they apparently don't even like my personality.

Well I think I can safely disregard any other of your opinions if this is the shit you come out with.

Oh yes. There's a picture of me in a swimsuit at the beach on social media and several male friends have liked it. These include those who are single, married, gay, old, young etc.

They're my friends. Everyone on earth is not trying to fuck each other.

And again, if you think they are, you must have extremely miserable relationships. I suggest being single would be more relaxing than living with this burning paranoia about perfectly ordinary situations.

I wrote about this further up the thread. I used to feel exactly the same as you about male friendships - I've always had lots of them and couldn't see any problem.

Then three male friends I was close with in a row confessed feelings for me (all of whom had girlfriends or wives) and it changed my opinion.

I still have lots of male friends, but I don't have male friends that I text everyday and am "best friends" with, apart from my brothers. It's not worth it.

If I'm honest I think I'm more attractive than average, not sure if that's relevant or not.

Well it's not happened to me in twenty five years so I won't be ditching my closest friends, thanks all the same.

I'm also bisexual so presumably I can't be friends with anyone at all.

So that's a good forty plus people you're advising me to cut out of my life? Yeah, I won't be doing that but cheers for taking the time to give me your (weird) advice.

Maybe you’re not as attractive as you think you are then.. or your personality is kinda shitty..

@Strangeweather7 What an odd presumption about PP, do you honestly think men and women can't be friends without either fucking or wanting to fuck each other? What a sad narrow minded world you live in.

I could be you, such a similar story. He is now an ex nland lives with the last female friend he mentioned. There were so many before where I was called jealous and irrational. Trust your gut.

I think the posters saying they have friends of the opposite sex and that men and women can be just friends are perhaps missing that it's not about him having a female friend, or even all of the things he's done, it's a combination of things along with a change of behaviour.

Your male friends may text you a lot, or like your photos on social media. The difference is most likely that they don't also then become angry at their wives if they ask about you, mention you constantly, or keep trying to meet you at every given opportunity while telling their wives they're the ones with the problem.