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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

191 replies

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 01:21

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 15/11/2022 08:15

His behaviour is really shit. He’s done a total number on you.

OmiOmy · 15/11/2022 08:26

Trust your gut feeling on this. His interactions with his friend have changed and the way he behaved when you brought it up rings alarm bells to me.

How long have you been with him as I think this is an issue that will come up again and again in your relationship and each time you will feel diminished just a tad more.

middleager · 15/11/2022 08:28

YANBU. His behaviour is unreasonable. Trust your gut as there are big red flags all over this.

Smartstuffed · 15/11/2022 08:44

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 05:53

I also haven't said 'you shouldn't/can't do that' and why would I. I literally just asked him about her.
My partner goes out several times a week, sometimes until 7am. He could literally be doing anything but I have to trust that he isn't.

Going out several times a week and staying out until 7am puts a different slant on things. He's hardly prioritising your relationship and his reactions to your concerns definitely aren't prioritising you, his partner.

What is he doing that means he doesn't get back until 7am and is this on his work days too? Trust your gut instinct. He's busy putting his needs above yours. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate what you want and act upon it.

Choconut · 15/11/2022 08:45

Ignore the 'cool girlfriends' and go with your gut. You have a problem with these specific women, if the issue was you then you'd have an issue with all the women he's friends with - and it sounds like there's a lot! not to mention with him staying out all night all the time (which i think you should have an issue with - time for him to grow up surely?)

I think he just sounds very immature and attention seeking - and like he still wants to be leading the single life. I couldn't be bothered with it tbh.

AngelinaFibres · 15/11/2022 08:45

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 01:37

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

Sadly many of us on this site will have direct experience of partners/ husbands who were 'just friends' with a person with a vagina and then accidentally tripped and fell into that vagina....repeatedly. My own husband was 32 when he suffered a tragic vagina accident with a 17 year old colleague he was 'just friends' with

spinachmonster · 15/11/2022 08:54

This sounds stressful. I would not be happy with his reaction- anger indicates guilt to me- if there was nothing there he'd surely be more relaxed about it and reassure you.

Please don't feel ashamed! You have absolutely no reason to. Trusting your gut feelings is the best thing you can do (and has served me really well). I hope you are ok Flowers

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 15/11/2022 08:59

Trust your gut is not good advice in this situation.

I have loads of male and female friends and we chat loads. If a partner didn't like it, they can jog on. I wouldn't appreciate being accused of being a potential cheat. And I certainly wouldn't appreciate not being trusted to not shag any close friend I could.

Also, 'your gut' is often just irrational jealousy.

AngelinaFibres · 15/11/2022 09:07

Where is he between 4am and 7 am and who with. I can't imagine ever being out until the early hours and then going to work, even when I was young. It doesn't matter whether you have an insecurity problem or he has a need for female attention problem, the situation is making you unhappy. Why would you waste your life feeling like that .Find yourself someone who adores you and wants to be snuggled up in bed with you rather than running around with other people.

Smartstuffed · 15/11/2022 09:08

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 15/11/2022 08:59

Trust your gut is not good advice in this situation.

I have loads of male and female friends and we chat loads. If a partner didn't like it, they can jog on. I wouldn't appreciate being accused of being a potential cheat. And I certainly wouldn't appreciate not being trusted to not shag any close friend I could.

Also, 'your gut' is often just irrational jealousy.

Plenty of people with good experience of trusting their gut instinct will disagree with you. I am confident that one day you will experience your 'gut instinct' but whether you'll be savvy enough to question it is another matter since you are so dismissive of it.

RandomMusings7 · 15/11/2022 09:10

AppelationStation · 15/11/2022 01:30

Trust your gut.

Yep. There's something fishy there.

RandomMusings7 · 15/11/2022 09:13

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 01:37

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

And you sound painfully naive.

OP83 · 15/11/2022 09:14

If you've been cheated on before then it isn't at all unreasonable that you would feel uncomfortable with the situation.

However, unless you have any genuine reason to suspect his actions/motives/intentions, raising the subject is just likely to cause conflict.

You know your partner better than anyone on here. You will know if there are genuine red flags or whether it is your own experience which is driving your suspicions.

As it stands (presuming nothing is yet to 'come to light') nobody is in the wrong. He's perfectly entitled to message and meet up with his friend and it's acceptable that you have uneasy feelings about it. It's a shit situation but I think any attempt to 'fix' it is likely to cause more conflict than resolution.

Wishing you all the best.

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 09:15

I'm not naive at all, you either trust your partner or you don't. If they want to cheat they will no matter how many friendships you try and stop.

ThreeLocusts · 15/11/2022 09:18

OP it's you post at 5:58 that makes me think you've already been gaslit. Your partner slagfed off a new colleague to you because she didn't go out with him but with another bloke?

That to me isn't the behaviour of a sociable person but that of a of a vain, jealous, over-entitled one.

You have no reason to feel ashamed. Ignore the ppl accusing you of possessiveness and have a close look at the balance of power and entitlement in your relationship. I hope I'm misreading, but really, don't apologise for doing something totally appropriate and constructive. x

RandomMusings7 · 15/11/2022 09:23

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 09:15

I'm not naive at all, you either trust your partner or you don't. If they want to cheat they will no matter how many friendships you try and stop.

If you trust your partner when he is acting in very untrustworthy ways, that's just being stupid. Someone who is in a relationship has no business going out until 7 am several times a week. And that, together with the constant texting the woman and meeting alone is a huge red flag.

Trust is not unconditional.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 15/11/2022 09:28

Smartstuffed · 15/11/2022 09:08

Plenty of people with good experience of trusting their gut instinct will disagree with you. I am confident that one day you will experience your 'gut instinct' but whether you'll be savvy enough to question it is another matter since you are so dismissive of it.

Show quote history

No, I just don't suffer with irrational jealousy.

And no amount of suspicion, hounding someone, tracking their movements, controlling who they interact with, or going through their private messages is going to make someone be faithful.

Trust your gut means trust that your partner is cheating on you despite a lack of confirmed evidence. If you think like that and you don't trust them, break up with them. Problem solved.

Flossypantsmummy · 15/11/2022 09:32

This 👏🏽

ladyluck13 · 15/11/2022 09:40

Trust your gut. You're not the problem, it sounds like he has given you good reason to doubt him. Ignore all the people on this thread saying just because she's female you're being jealous, they are missing the forest for the trees.

ChristmasisRuined · 15/11/2022 09:41

Sounds like he’s looking to cheat, to me!

Bookworm20 · 15/11/2022 09:44

You feel uncomfortable because his behaviour has changed and he is doing things which are making you uncomfortable. And when you brought it up with him, he got angry and told you were being ridiculous.

Because he wanted that conversation shut down pronto.
A normal reaction would be surprise and then reassurance.

Add in the coming home at 7am frequently.

Basically he seems to want you to shut up and let him carry on with whatever hes carrying on with, innocent or not. But he certainly isn't taking into account how uncomfortable this is making you. Thats the part which is the huge red flag here.

I think the majority of people would feel uncomfortable with what you have described. I get the having to trust your partner blah blah blah. And most people do. Until that partner starts to do something which makes you question that trust. Anyone who blindly trusts a partner while red flags are flying all over the place has their head in the sand.

Trust your gut OP.

ECN73 · 15/11/2022 09:46

You deserve a partner who respects you and he doesn’t. That’s pretty much it. It’s irrelevant if she’s insecure or not - we all have things, good and bad, that we bring to relationships and when there is respect you talk through them. You re-assure each other, support each other. He does none of this.

Getting angry as a first reaction to your partner coming to you and telling you that you are feeling uncomfortable or insecure shows they don’t care and/or are hiding something.

Imaysnapandfart · 15/11/2022 09:49

Definitely trust your gut. Had the same with my ex-DP. “Oh she’s just a friend, it’s YOUR problem, not mine, blah blah blah”

We even did the “let’s meet up and try and be friends” and turns out they were sleeping together the whole time.

Texting someone else when you’re in a supposedly committed relationship is a definite no-go in my book - why do you need to? There is such a thing as an emotional affair even if nothing physical has happened yet.

and the staying out till 7am is just insane - how old is he?!!

RoseAdagio · 15/11/2022 09:50

Sadly YANBU.

Alarm bells ringing left right and centre here.

Liking revealing photos of models and actresses on Instagram but ones of someone you know personally who wants to meet up? Inappropriate.

Getting angry at you rather than calmly reassuring you that there's nothing to worry about? Smacks of guilty conscience and using attack as a form of defence. I had exactly the same with my ex - when he started going cold on me (turns out he had met someone else), when I had the audacity to ask him if he was being funny with me, he went "what kind of a bullshit question is that?", basically gas lighting me.

I'd be on my guard, big time.

Faith77 · 15/11/2022 09:50

I could have written all this 7ish years ago. I thought it was all in my head (thanks to a nice bit of gaslighting from him, too). Then I stumbled across a few of the messages on a shared computer & had a huge wake up call. He still tried to convince me it was "just platonic" to send her sex toys and ask her to watch him shower, though...! Bleugh!
Trust your gut. Having female friends doesn't always ring alarm bells, platonic friendships are normal, but when the behaviour is off, you know x