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Original poster

Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

191 replies

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 01:21

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 15/11/2022 07:04

He goes out several times a week, sometimes until 7am??

He's acting like a single man with all the at home perks of a partner. That alone would be a deal breaker for me even before considering the highly inappropriate texting.

You say He's a good man who loves you a lot. In what ways does he demonstrate any of this because he sounds pretty awful tbh.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/11/2022 07:10

I wonder how he would feel if you were sitting beside him constantly texting a guy from work and if you were coming in at 7am. I could accept 7am after a Christmas party or rare celebration but not regularly. He is being very disrespectful and you are right not to be happy. No way would l text a guy from work regularly knowing he was with his partner. An odd text is fine but prolonged messaging is not on.
He is out of order here and you need to listen to your gut. Probably nothing has happened but for a guy in a committed relationship he is playing with fire.
And a definite NO to 7am!

Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 07:11

Very surprised at these answers. It reads to me like you’re jealous of her and were jealous of the other female too.

I really can’t Comprhend your comment that she cheated on a boyfriend so alarm bells went off.what does that actually mean? Cheating once doesn’t mean she’d shag anything with pulse. Or your boyfriend.

MintChocCornetto · 15/11/2022 07:12

My DH has loads of female friends and I never felt insecure about any of them, even the ones he'd slept with in the past. Because he was open about it and didn't engage in any of this shady behaviour - texting loads, getting angry about them seeing other men (!) and being generally unreasonable about how you're feeling.

Not saying he's up to no good but his attitude stinks.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 15/11/2022 07:14

Would it help if you met her? May put your mind at ease and if she was reluctant that may be a warning sign.... if she was keen then it's less likely she would meet you if anything was going on surely?

rookiemere · 15/11/2022 07:17

Sorry OP but he sounds ghastly.
Getting angry that a woman from work wouldn't meet him and slagging her off to - of all people- you, his DP.

RampantIvy · 15/11/2022 07:20

I'm very surprised at the disingenuous posters' faux naivety who are surprised at the answers. If DH suddently started regularly messaging another woman and getting defensive about it you bet I would be suspicious. Then the OP's partner regularly goes out until 7 am. Come on. I wasn't born yesterday. It sounds like he is having his cake and eating it. There is either sex and/or drugs involved.

If he wants to behave like a single man he should be single. There are a lot of red flags here. The reaction to the OP being worried being the biggest one. He sounds like he is basking in the attention of these women.

I wonder if these posters regularly text men who are in relationships and stay out until 7 am with them?

bluebellstar · 15/11/2022 07:23

No you are definitely not being unreasonable. I posted on here under another name a few months ago going through the same. It's disrespectful and crossing boundaries. She was also ringing him all the time and asking for favours. Chatting to him late at night and generally taking the piss when he's married. I kicked off and eventually after moaning that he can't have female friends he backed off and it all stopped and understands why I got defensive.

ganvough · 15/11/2022 07:24

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 01:42

What?! No that's really not what I said. Nobody ever said once they "can't be friends". I said i was uncomfortable with the sudden heavy texting, they'd been friends for a year prior.

Trust your gut. Not all friendships are healthy and for the right reasons, and should be treated on their merits.

If his friend were a guy who was a chauvinist pig or hit on you all the time, you'd feel uncomfortable too right? So this is about boundaries and if your bf can't see that he's growing a deeper emotional connection with her than you - he's not got his priorities straight. I'd let him know once again how you feel and if he shuts down the conversation dismissively again by accusing you of jealousy- he isn't the right guy for you. Be with people who make you feel good and care about your feelings, give you the benefit of the doubt and try to understand why. Instead of immediately jumping to the 'jealousy card'.

My DP had a female friend like this, who was married but constantly messaging and contacting him. Made minimal effort with me and expected him to make time for her (without me) whenever she was alone or bored. She saw him like an emotional support animal rather than a friend. It impacted our relationship that he was constantly distracted by her so I told him it made me uncomfortable. He tried to reassure me (didn't call me jealous) and made a few compromises but she wouldn't let up and got angrier the more space he tried to take. Eventually I told him this toxic dynamic wasn't one I cared to be a part of and was ready to walk away. He realised himself that my points were valid and ended up having to cut her out as she refused to adjust her behaviour in anyway and eventually confessed her romantic feelings for him.

He and I are now getting married, and he has plenty of other fabulous female friends I have no issue with. She isn't a part of our life anymore, and I am pleased I trusted my gut. I know I'm not a crazy jealous irrational woman (like all misogynists will call you) and put my mental health first. If he values your relationship, he will compromise. If he can't, walk away.

bluebellstar · 15/11/2022 07:27

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 05:47

I feel like this has been hugely misread/misunderstood. Never said they 'can't be friends'. Anyway how can I decide who can and can't? 'just because they have a vagina' is such a generalization.
I literally stated earlier they've already been friends for about a year. I'm not talking about that. I'm saying I felt uncomfortable that they suddenly grew a lot closer. Maybe that is on me yes.

People said this on my post too. It's not that at all. It's all about boundaries and respect. Your not in the wrong or jealous OP. It can make you very uncomfortable. You need to bring it up with him

emptythelitterbox · 15/11/2022 07:28

Going out several times a week is a bit much. Does he drink a lot?

Does he take you out often?

bluebellstar · 15/11/2022 07:30

ganvough · 15/11/2022 07:24

Trust your gut. Not all friendships are healthy and for the right reasons, and should be treated on their merits.

If his friend were a guy who was a chauvinist pig or hit on you all the time, you'd feel uncomfortable too right? So this is about boundaries and if your bf can't see that he's growing a deeper emotional connection with her than you - he's not got his priorities straight. I'd let him know once again how you feel and if he shuts down the conversation dismissively again by accusing you of jealousy- he isn't the right guy for you. Be with people who make you feel good and care about your feelings, give you the benefit of the doubt and try to understand why. Instead of immediately jumping to the 'jealousy card'.

My DP had a female friend like this, who was married but constantly messaging and contacting him. Made minimal effort with me and expected him to make time for her (without me) whenever she was alone or bored. She saw him like an emotional support animal rather than a friend. It impacted our relationship that he was constantly distracted by her so I told him it made me uncomfortable. He tried to reassure me (didn't call me jealous) and made a few compromises but she wouldn't let up and got angrier the more space he tried to take. Eventually I told him this toxic dynamic wasn't one I cared to be a part of and was ready to walk away. He realised himself that my points were valid and ended up having to cut her out as she refused to adjust her behaviour in anyway and eventually confessed her romantic feelings for him.

He and I are now getting married, and he has plenty of other fabulous female friends I have no issue with. She isn't a part of our life anymore, and I am pleased I trusted my gut. I know I'm not a crazy jealous irrational woman (like all misogynists will call you) and put my mental health first. If he values your relationship, he will compromise. If he can't, walk away.

Show quote history

This 100% and very similar to my experience with the friend of DH xx

Jagoda · 15/11/2022 07:31

He goes out and doesn't come home until the next morning? Regularly?

I would not tolerate this shit.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 15/11/2022 07:32

Trust your gut. As you’ve said, he has other female friends and that doesn’t bother you, the fact that this one dies tells you something is ‘off’.

the fact that he lashed out and is trying to blame you rather than reassure you is suspicious as fuck.

(also going out till 7am several days a week - I’m amazed he gets any work done at all)

PurplePixies · 15/11/2022 07:46

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 05:53

I also haven't said 'you shouldn't/can't do that' and why would I. I literally just asked him about her.
My partner goes out several times a week, sometimes until 7am. He could literally be doing anything but I have to trust that he isn't.

WTF?

He’s out until 7am, god knows where and you’re supposed to accept that as perfectly normal?

This is not remotely normal in a committed relationship. He’s clearly gaslighting you and you need to stop questioning yourself because you’re not wrong, and you need to seriously re-assess this relationship.

Cheaters are always manipulative and he will be very loving towards you when your suspicions are aroused because he’s trying to deflect and pretend that it’s all ‘in your head’.

To be crystal clear, I think your relationship is doomed and you’d be better off getting rid.

Lampzade · 15/11/2022 07:51

Trust your gut

StClare101 · 15/11/2022 07:52

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 01:37

So because she has a vagina they can't be friends? You sound insecure.

You sound ridiculous.

StClare101 · 15/11/2022 07:55

His behaviour is awful. He sounds awful. Trust your gut and bin him off. You can do better.

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 07:55

@StClare101 Ridiculous for not being insecure about a partners female friends? I don't think so 😅

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/11/2022 07:57

People here do make me laugh especially when they are so judgemental in the middle of the night. I always wonder if they're drunk.

Nobody would like it if a woman was constantly texting her husband. Her husband's reaction is typical, too. He's blaming the op for being suspicious, when he is the one receiving dozens of text messages every day from another woman. It is classic gaslighting.

Peoniesandcream · 15/11/2022 08:00

Personally I was answering "in the middle of the night" because I worked a night shift. Secondly the OP has history of being insecure about her partners female friends. I just can't imagine being that uptight.

DarkMa · 15/11/2022 08:01

He sounds like he is gaslighting you.

Your gut is telling you something about this particular female friend.

Trust it.

It is nothing to do with being insecure or not cool with him having female friends.

Nolosomi · 15/11/2022 08:04

I couldn’t live with any of this. He sounds very immature and controlling (getting jealous of another woman wanting to bring a male friend along, then ignoring her messages), he stays out all night and heavily messages other women? HELL NO.

Everyone is different but there’s no way I would accept any of this. Your boundaries are your boundaries - I’d be ending it and finding a man who’s values align with mine.

ChattyPat · 15/11/2022 08:07

Agree , trust your gut. Set out your boundaries and stick to them.

Mirrorcell · 15/11/2022 08:11

Personally I wouldn’t want a partner like this. I wouldn’t find his behaviour appealing. Especially him getting angry that another woman did not want to meet up. Why is he so needy of women’s attention? This won’t get better if you have kids.

As another poster said is he getting cross about 50 year old Louise in accounts or 60 year old Janice who joined last week? Does he go out to 7am with them?

Do you have kids? Own a house together? What is your commitment to one another? If there isn’t anything, I’d pop him back in the pond because I couldn’t be bothered with this bullshit.

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