Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

191 replies

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 01:21

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

OP posts:
Strictlyfanoftenyears · 15/11/2022 10:18

Cheeseboards · 15/11/2022 05:58

A previous thing was when he had a new colleague at his work about a year ago too. I remember he said he wanted to ask her to meet up out of work (with me invited) he's a very sociable person so this is normal I suppose for him.
She didn't seem keen on the idea but apparently was talking to another bloke about meeting up (who was single I believe).
My partner seemed really pissed off at this and also seemed jealous that she wanted to meet up with this other guy, slagging her off and stuff.
Then said he was going to ignore her text for a few days. Then on another occasion he drunk texted her asking to meet up, she asked what was going on and he admitted he'd been really drunk.
I guess I got the wrong end of the stick, I confronted him with my suspicions but he denied anything. I forgot about it after that.

And I feel ashamed for that incident too, I know he's a good man who loves me a lot and I do feel like I have some issue

That is definitely a red flag, I think he should have been shown the door at this. Terrible behaviour.

Sisisimone · 15/11/2022 10:20

Etinoxaurus · 15/11/2022 06:57

Angry drunk texted and you feel uncomfortable and ashamed Shock
He sounds awful and you need to up your game.
Dump and move on, my lovely Flowers

Was coming on to say exactly this. He sounds horrible. He should be reassuring you not getting angry. And getting angry because a girl from work wouldn't meet up with him? What the fuck? I'd have walked out there and then

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 15/11/2022 10:20

I fee so sorry for you. You are me, some 20 years ago. My ExH was just like this. I was so young and naive, that I overlooked all of the small things that made up the obvious bigger picture. The things you have listed in your Op are ALL red flags and should not be ignored. Are you able to access his phone? I'd be checking everything. And if you can't access his phone, why do you think that is? If there's stuff on there he doesn't want you to see, that means that he's doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing.

deeperthanallroses · 15/11/2022 10:22

It sounds like you’re being perfectly reasonable tbh.

Sandman100 · 15/11/2022 10:25

Sorry to say this OP but I bet his the office creep. I would be upset if my OH was doing this is not right and he is letting you beat yourself up about it. Get rid.

Sisisimone · 15/11/2022 10:26

Sounds like he's the office lech

Georgeskitchen · 15/11/2022 10:26

Yanbu
There are red flags all over your post.
He sounds much closer to this woman than "just friends"

ButterCrackers · 15/11/2022 10:28

You feel uneasy and yanbu. Your partner should respect you and not be texting another woman. Tell him he should set boundaries and listen to how you feel.

gamerchick · 15/11/2022 10:28

How he reacted is what would bother me the most. My partner is my priority and it he said he was uncomfortable with something he would have my full attention. I wouldn't be giving him a mouthful.

I'd definitely trust my gut here. Intense friendships can tip over into emotional affairs and that starts when you disregard your partner's feelings.

Layersoftaytoes · 15/11/2022 10:32

MonsteraDeliciosas · 15/11/2022 05:39

This, exactly.

His behaviour isn't an issue, yours is.

Show quote history

You’re vile

GreenManalishi · 15/11/2022 10:39

The majority of my DPs friends are women, including a couple who are ex partners and their new familes. There is nothing about his behaviour in his friendships with him that make me feel uncomfortable.

However if he was spending a lot of time messaging them, becoming accusatory and expressing anger when I tried to have a conversation about their friendship or plans together like I would with his male friends, disappointment at not being able to see them, messaging them when he was drunk "accidentally" and staying out several times a week until 7am, then we would absolutely have a problem.

At the very least you should be able to have a conversation about it without you coming away feeling ashamed and guilty and more confused then before.

When you're ashamed you are quiet and that suits him fine.

Trust your gut.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 15/11/2022 10:43

RandomMusings7 · 15/11/2022 09:57

The amount of "cool girlfriends" on this thread is really sad. Stop gaslighting OP. Just because you have no standards and no boundaries doesn't mean she needs to compromise on hers. She is not "irrationally jealous" 🙄 she is noticing a problematic shift in behaviour and reacting accordingly.

I'm too old to pretend texting another woman all the time is cool.

I'm too old to pretend staying out all night without me more than once in a blue moon is cool.

I'm too old to accept that I can't voice my discomfort and needs to my partner without being met with anger and defensiveness.

Hopefully one day you too can grow up and start expecting basic decency from the men in your life...

This 'cool wife' shit is super misogynistic.

I don't even have a fucking partner and I make my own decisions about what to get my knickers in a twist about. Sorry if it bothers you that I'm not insecure or jealous. Sounds like a you problem, TBH.

MatronicO6 · 15/11/2022 10:47

About a year into my relationship my partner and I decided to move in together. He had an ex who he broke up with 5 years previously that he was still friendly with, occasional texts about general things. I noticed about 6 months in she would text more frequently and in a tone that seemed to expect he would drop everything to text her back and would even tell him off for not replying quick enough. I ignored as it was their friendship.

When we moved in, I noticed she occasionally call him on Saturday evenings, then get annoyed when he wouldn't answer, which his other friends wouldn't do. So I told him that this expectation made me uncomfortable, that she she just expected him to be available to her at ra time when most people are likely spending time with partners, friends or family. It seemed to me that she had an expectation from him that was more than one would expect from a friend. I trusted him, but I felt he needed to make clear there were boundaries that she needed to respect.I told him my concerns and how her expectation to be a priority felt disrespectful to our relationship and he had to ensure the nature of their friendship was very clear and what she could reasonably expect of him as a friend.

He understood and the next day called her and brought it up. Explained to her he valued her friendship but as a friend he couldn't just drip everything or interrupt his evenings to respond to her, that I was a priority and it wasn't acceptable for her to expect him to just be available to her whenever she wanted. Well she had a very bad reaction that indicated my gut instinct was correct, there's a reason we have it.

I don't know if your partners friendship with the woman is crossing a boundary or not. But it does make you uncomfortable and you are definitely reasonable to talk to your partner about your feelings. If he is committed to you he will care about your feelings. This may mean him establishing some boundaries with friend or giving you reassurance in another way. But it is likely only going to get worse if you just let it build up inside.

RedAppleGirl · 15/11/2022 10:48

Trust is about being trustworthy, the people involved in this friendship/relationship are NOT being transparent. Time and time again these friendships have an angle with one party or the other behaving inappropriately.
This is common.
Trust your instincts.

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 10:50

MatronicO6 · 15/11/2022 10:47

About a year into my relationship my partner and I decided to move in together. He had an ex who he broke up with 5 years previously that he was still friendly with, occasional texts about general things. I noticed about 6 months in she would text more frequently and in a tone that seemed to expect he would drop everything to text her back and would even tell him off for not replying quick enough. I ignored as it was their friendship.

When we moved in, I noticed she occasionally call him on Saturday evenings, then get annoyed when he wouldn't answer, which his other friends wouldn't do. So I told him that this expectation made me uncomfortable, that she she just expected him to be available to her at ra time when most people are likely spending time with partners, friends or family. It seemed to me that she had an expectation from him that was more than one would expect from a friend. I trusted him, but I felt he needed to make clear there were boundaries that she needed to respect.I told him my concerns and how her expectation to be a priority felt disrespectful to our relationship and he had to ensure the nature of their friendship was very clear and what she could reasonably expect of him as a friend.

He understood and the next day called her and brought it up. Explained to her he valued her friendship but as a friend he couldn't just drip everything or interrupt his evenings to respond to her, that I was a priority and it wasn't acceptable for her to expect him to just be available to her whenever she wanted. Well she had a very bad reaction that indicated my gut instinct was correct, there's a reason we have it.

I don't know if your partners friendship with the woman is crossing a boundary or not. But it does make you uncomfortable and you are definitely reasonable to talk to your partner about your feelings. If he is committed to you he will care about your feelings. This may mean him establishing some boundaries with friend or giving you reassurance in another way. But it is likely only going to get worse if you just let it build up inside.

But then he started texting her again last year?

LindaEllen · 15/11/2022 10:50

Chomolungma · 15/11/2022 05:47

I would be uncomfortable with this too OP. I'm absolutely fine with my DH having female friends, and he has several of them, but if he started texting one of them very frequently and arranging to meet up just the two of them then I wouldn't be happy. His reaction (getting angry rather than trying to reassure you) isn't great either.

Why though? That's what friends do. I have two best friends, one male one female, and I text both of them daily and meet up both in groups and alone.

You say you're fine with your DP having female friends, but then when they behave like close friends suddenly you're not fine with it.

Tigofigo · 15/11/2022 10:53

I had a thing a while back where DP had a touch of mentionitis and said female colleague was newly single. I felt insecure, I spoke to DP, he reassured me, and also respectfully distanced himself from her a bit.

He did not get angry or defensive. He felt awful that I felt the way I did and took steps to make it clear I came first.

Jewel7 · 15/11/2022 10:55

Trust your gut. Your allowed to feel like alarm bells are ringing. He made you feel like you weren’t. You say he is very social. How does he feel about you going out with men? If he listened to you he wouldn’t have reacted angrily. Guilty conscience perhaps? Yes men and women are allowed friends of the opposite sex but there is a line you don’t cross. He needs to remember to think how it makes you feel? Does he discuss plans with you or do you just have to fit in. Constant messaging says more than the occasional social meet up….

Littlepiggiesinblankets · 15/11/2022 10:56

Red flags:

  1. his Incel anger over a woman who didn't want to meet up with him out of work and him "punishing" her by withholding something he thought she wanted (communication);

  2. he's obviously gaslit you about 1) as you now feel ashamed;

  3. he goes out several times a week, including to 7 a.m. regularly;

  4. he reacted angrily to you starting a conversation about feeling insecure about the woman this year;

  5. he has at least partially provoked this insecurity by telling you she'd cheated.

This is not OK. You don't need to turn yourself inside out about whether he's cheating and worry about "trusting your gut". Trust the fact that these behaviours show you who he really is and you're not listening ...

Dogtooth · 15/11/2022 10:57

Colleagues sometimes exchange messages and meet up for drinks. They don't message constantly, hang out on days off, like each other's half naked instagram photos. They don't message each other drunk or get jealous if a colleague goes out with someone else.

You know this is rotten, OP.

TheSilentPicnic · 15/11/2022 10:58

I wouldn’t trust either of them. Odd behaviour from both. Any decent partner would be open to such a discussion rather than shutting it down.

Branleuse · 15/11/2022 10:59

if this guy is making you feel insecure and instead of reassuring you, hes getting angry, then I think hes not the guy for you. We have our instincts for a reason, and as you said, you didnt have an issue until he ramped it up a gear with the texting, and told you she didnt have an issue with cheating on her boyfriend.
Whether hes cheating or not, I wouldnt want someone that "did what they wanted" stayed out till 7am on the regular and had cosy constant text chats with other women. Fuck that for a laugh. He knows youre not comfortable with it. Surely a partner is supposed to make you feel special and treasured? Not make you feel like you could be dropped any minute

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/11/2022 11:01

OP, you’re not being irrational, he is. Red flags everywhere here, he’s out several times a week, sometimes until 7am, texting other women, sending drunken texts to other women, getting annoyed she was interested in a single bloke. The business of him wanting you to go out with them both…he’s hiding in plain sight.
He’s obviously interested in her, if there’s nothing going on it’s not for want of trying on his part.
He comes across as a sex pest.

MatronicO6 · 15/11/2022 11:02

Gumreduction · 15/11/2022 10:50

But then he started texting her again last year?

Show quote history

🙄

Honeyroar · 15/11/2022 11:09

I’m perfectly happy with a partner having female friends, but this guy seems very strange in his behaviour with women. And it’s all kept very separate from you, plus throws it back on you when you question it. If my husband was uneasy about my make friends I’d introduce them, go out as a group with them both and try to put his mind at rest because I have nothing to hide. Your partner’s behaviour in general would be too much for me to be bothered with, let alone this friendship.