Feel awful with myself for feeling uncomfortable about partner's female friend

[Cheeseboards]

He worked with a female of a similar age for almost a year and honestly all was fine, and she seemed nice.

The group, including her have stayed in touch on a group thread and met up as a group which seemed good.

Then I noticed that her and my partner would be texting privately a lot. Every time he had his phone in his hand there seemed to be a text from her so I questioned it in my mind as it was new. It's totally normal that people text but it just suddenly seemed very full on and intense. I don't think it was daily without fail but most days.

I don't know what all the texts were but a few were her asking to meet up. Apparently every time she had a day off she'd be seeing if he was free.

He then said she'd cheated on her boyfriend and alarm bells rang a bit. She has an Instagram profile with very revealing pictures which is totally up to her, but then I noticed my partner had liked a couple of pictures of her. Maybe it was just harmless but I wasn't sure.

So it was the change which I found odd. I felt terrible for thinking it as I've been with him a few years and he's never cheated or done anything really inappropriate.

Eventually I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable about her. Sometimes we just get this feeling. Even if I trust him not to do anything I suppose I don't really know her and started to find her a bit irritating and question her in my mind.
I felt like rolling my eyes when her name came up.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

About a year ago I got a bit insecure about another female as my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him, and also texted asking to meet then said he was really drunk when he did so I found it uncomfortable and confronted him.

But he does work with a lot of women and they all go on nights out etc. He comes in very late and I've never questioned anything , he does his own thing.

Anyway we've sorted it out now and I apologised for judging his friend, he said she'd like to meet me.
I've been cheated on once before and I was also seeing a guy who had been pretending to be single. But I know we have to leave these things in the past.
I do trust him not to do anything and I just felt uncomfortable with so much texting.

Does it seem like I was being unreasonable ? I do feel really ashamed now.

But he did according to another thread you started

OP, you've been perfectly happy for him to have friends who are female, and you're fine with him going out without you regularly.

You were fine with this because he wasn't being secretive or giving off any suspicious 'vibes' to set off your instinctual recognition that anything was 'amiss'.

You are not fine with his behaviour now, because he is giving off subconscious 'signals' that you are correctly 'picking up on' !

Always, always, always trust your gut feelings !!!!

my partner had seemed pretty angry that she didn't want to meet up with him,

He sounds awful tbh.

If you don't trust him there's no point in being with him.

Does he heave any good points?

I don't have experience of a partner cheating, so can't advise on that (for what it's worth, though, I don't think you sound unreasonable or insecure at all). What I would say is that if he is genuinely out partying until 7am (not sleeping elsewhere), he's almost certainly using coke. You don't have to accept that behaviour in your life if it's not what you want as part of a committed relationship.

I can't even imagine how empty someone's life must be that they check a posters previous threads and drag them up within minutes in what is clearly in an attempt to tear down a complete stranger.

I appreciate your concern for my past self, but I am very content and fulfilled in my relationship.

You know in your heart what it means. His behaviour isn’t reasonable even it it was a bloke I’d be a bit confused about why they’re suddenly texting every day. I’m grateful to have lots of friends and family… I don’t text any of them daily. The only people I’ve ever texted daily have been love interests!

They’re interested in each other romantically would be my assumption. It doesn’t mean anything has happened physically yet though. But his response, getting angry is so classic, it’s on every cheat thread on MN!!

😂😂😂so true!

What I would say is that if he is genuinely out partying until 7am (not sleeping elsewhere), he's almost certainly using coke.

I agree.

WTF. Do you run and check every poster's past threads. Bordering on creepy

He's having an affair and he's gaslighting you.

Yes, every single posters without exception 😂 😱

Have you ever been able to see the texts? I feel this would put your mind at rest.

If he’s out with large groups of colleagues from work, it’s only normal that some are closer to each other than others so you could be wrong but I have always found that you should trust your instinct.

I would not find it acceptable for my partner to be texting other female 'friends' all the time. If he got angry with me for questioning it I would be even more suspicious. I feel like if you put up with this sort of behaviour then it becomes the norm and acceptable in the long term.

I think if he is to have female friends then it can only work if he is open with you about it. If he gets defensive then he has something to hide. You need to speak to him in a calm manner and get him to see your side. I wonder if things were other way round if he would be so accepting of it. He needs to put himself in your shoes, he would be jealous, it's normal natural human response and telling ourselves otherwise can't stop that feeling always. You feel how you feel you can't help it and his actions are making you feel this way, he should be understanding not angry. He doesn't seem like an understanding person. Is it worth continuing this relationship If he is not willing to take your feelings into account?

That doesn't mean you turn a blind eye to someone that is clearly taking the piss.
I am betting that this man isn't friends with a lovely older woman, or plain Jane with her fantastic personality. They'll all be very attractive.

Anyway my partner was pretty angry and accused me of not trusting him, said that I've got an issue just because he's talking to a woman.

The getting angry bit... turning it on you, you've got an issue... It all sounds very familiar to me, as if they have a what-to-do-when-caught-out playbook.

Of course she wants to meet you, size you up... It's not nice, and they both know it.

There are two words that stand out in all that you have written. ‘Pretty angry’.

his reaction both times to you expressing your concerns.

He is a cheat. I would put money on it.

I don’t think you are wrong to feel this way op, it’s perfectly natural and it’s clearly not that you have an issue with female friends in general as some others are saying, at least that’s not at all my interpretation of what you wrote. I would be the same, it’s the fact it’s intense and seems new. And it’s not as though they are childhood friends and stayed in touch. Honestly I agree with you and I wouldn’t be happy with the what sounds like excessive messaging? Or his reaction when you spoke about it. That said it could well be innocent, at least on his end but who knows about hers!!!

@Cheeseboards you didn’t come out like at all, they’re trying to make you feel like you’re unreasonable for having feelings. You would have been unreasonable if you’d started stalking him or the female friends, snooping, pestering him, etc. but the way you describe the situation- YANU

How would seeing the texts put OP's mind at rest?

Nothing she would read on his phone is going to stop him being the man who feels entitled to a woman's company, gets angry when he doesn't get it, plays mindgames with female colleagues & taunts his g/f by ensuring she knows his latest piece of Mentionitis has a sexy Insta account & form for cheating ...

The texts are the least of it.

I've got lots of female friends. I'd never give them up for a new partner.

Nobody asked you 🤷‍♀️

This is moot. You’ll probably never have a partner.

Are you in your early 20s? Most of us have a relationship with someone who likes to play the field just short of actually cheating at some stage in our lives. Those boys like making you do the pick me dance.

Move on with your life.

Nothing she would read on his phone is going to stop him being the man who feels entitled to a woman's company, gets angry when he doesn't get it, plays mindgames with female colleagues & taunts his g/f by ensuring she knows his latest piece of Mentionitis has a sexy Insta account & form for cheating ...

well said @KettrickenSmiled

Dp has lots of female 'friends', he manages those friendships appropriately within the mutually agreed rules of our relationship.