To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Just as @longleggitybeastie says, I’m wondering too if a letter, perhaps delivered via one of his friends might reiterate that you are there for him, whenever he needs you. That you love him and will never, ever turn him away in any circumstances. It may just give him a ‘get-out’ if he needs it.

You’re doing all you can @PurpleLampShades and we are all rooting for you here, for what it’s worth. I hope he gets away from that poisonous girl very soon and you get your boy back. Stay strong x

I might consider the letter idea yes, especially if he doesn’t go back to college, though not sure how I would get it to him. I’d have to think about that.

He wasn’t particularly close to his dad no. They didn’t see each other much but did catch up on the phone occasionally and his dad always supported financially and sent for birthday/Christmas. He just wasn’t that interested in being a proper hands on dad if you see what I mean.

This thread is nearly full so I suppose I will start another one once that happens as I don’t see things resolving anytime soon and, as I said, it is a comfort to be able to type things out and get some support and advice.

What a sad situation for you, as a mother. I think that by trying to stop the relationship, you caused him to be even more determined to see this woman. I think the best you can hope for is that he will at some stage realise he's made a mistake, or that she tires of a boy (that's all he is) of 16. Keep the lines of communication open, let him come back if/when he wants to, and try not to criticise him. Difficult.

Thank you for the updates. I am so sad that there is not really a positive outcome yet, I think you need to ride this out longterm.

GF is clearly abusive, will SS not interject now that his behaviour has changed (fight at college) and what his friend has said about being hit?

I think of you often @PurpleLampShades and wish you the very best outcome.

I'm so sorry that nothing has changed. I can only imagine how you're feeling and think a bereavement of sorts is exactly what you're going through. Be kind to yourself.

We're still all here to listen and prop you up when you need it, even if it's once in a blue moon. Better to say what's in your head than try to ignore it

Sadly I guess the older he gets the less interested SS will be, but important to log with them if the college hasn't already. I really hope things don't escalate, but if it ever does, it will be useful to have on record. You'd flipping hope, what with the hands around neck and now this, they'd see it as significant and look again at what happened before he was 16. If they do split up that is clearly great for your son, but who would her next victim be 😡

I've only just joined the dots from talk of his recent birthday, that he's really young in the year isn't he. What a witch to have snapped him up so young.

I imagine if he quits college they might be open to passing a letter on, or informing him they're holding one for him if he wants to collect it. Otherwise the friend suggestion is another alternative I guess. Let's hope it doesn't get to that either though, but sometimes it helps to feel you've a strategy for dealing with it if it does.

There's clearly been a shake up in his friendship group around this, but as you say, he has at least opened up to one of them, even if he denied again. It will have certainly had some kind of impact and I wouldn't be surprised if it bubbles up again.

Do link a new thread on here Purple, if you start one. You've lots of well wishers on here, I'm sure will want to stay on the journey with you.

Hi @PurpleLampShades I'm genuinely gutted for you. From the beginning of this you have shown nothing but love to your son.
I would try with the letter pour it all out. It's been 18 months now which seems crazy. Your poor son confided in his friend, so that shows he is willing to open up and speak of what's going on.
I honestly hope each time I'm on here you will come back to say its over he's home. We are all here to support and listen to you and will be here for as long as it takes. Take care X💐

I would think he will be looking forward to returning to college, after 6 weeks of being suffocated it will be a safe haven and a place to breathe. I hope he has the strength to hold strong on his need to attend college.

Thanks for coming on and updating everyone Purple.
Contrary to the comment upthread I do not think your attempts to highlight the danger of this relationship pushed him towards her. He was clearly spellbound and impressed with her from the start and she is manipulative and coercive. He stood little chance. What you will have done though is made sure there is a seed in his head that knows it’s not right. Such that when the time comes for him to be able to recognise he isn’t happy he will know he’s right to go.

I do think a letter would be a good idea. IMHO he needs to know you still care very much and miss him. He must be lonely without his family and friends. And I’m frightened for him about what is actually going on in that home. What he told his friend is chilling.

Grief is exactly what you are experiencing. The loss of your role as his mother and your relationship with him. It must be unimaginably painful for you every single day.

Im glad you have a circle of contact around him even if they are being held at arms length. It’s there ready if and when the time comes for him to reach out and ask for help.

I desperately hope he returns to college. What did you do about his allowance in the end?

Sending you strength and love. You are an amazing mum and woman. This is a terrible situation but I do retain hope and confidence it will have a better end.

Gosh you are being so strong @PurpleLampShades I can imagine he is never far from your thoughts and that it must be exhausting. I really hope he goes back to college in September.

Could the friend raise this disclosure at collage? Would it be enough to get SS involved again as it's domestic abuse? Possibly clutching at straws here but just a thought.

Keep going Purple. I also think a letter is a good idea.

So sorry to hear you're still going through this. Your love and care for your son comes across in every post, and I'm sure he must feel it too.
You are incredibly strong and I pray that it all falls back into place for you all very soon.

Purple, I’ve been following quietly for a while and my heart aches for you.

I will say this. I was a bit older than your DS when I walked out on my parents, I was 17 almost 18. I was in an abusive relationship with someone who I could see no wrong in. For almost a year I had no contact with my parents, my Mum, like you was heartbroken. At one point I lived with this man in a squat turning a blind eye to his drinking, drugs and criminality.
One morning I woke up and a voice in my head told me I needed out. I walked to the phone box, called my dad and was home for lunchtime. My relationship with them remained close and supportive all their lives.

I hope your boy wakes up one morning and has the same revelation. Don’t give up hope. He knows you love him and you’ll be there for him when the pieces fall into place in his mind.

Just pinched this from another thread: https://mankind.org.uk/for-professionals/pattern-changing-course-male-survivors/

Don't know whereabouts you are in the country and if there are similar where you are Purple, but it might be a helpful resource at some stage. You could perhaps include in in a letter?

Hi purple, I posted on this thread under a different name a while ago. So sorry to read your updates.

If you haven't heard anything for weeks you can request a safe and well check through the police and explain your concerns. They will go and check on him. Although this might make your son and his girlfriend angry, it's an option if you don't hear from him again once college starts.

I hope one day to look for your threads and see a more positive update.x

Hi Purple, my heart goes out to you reading your update. You've been incredible through all of this and done everything right. I still believe that DS will find his way out of that horrible relationship and be reunited with you. Fingers crossed that he returns to college next term where they can look out for him.

I honestly wish there was something more I could say or do to help, sending 💐

I'm so sorry to read your latest update @PurpleLampShades. I'm keeping everything crossed that your DS returns to college at least xx

I agree with PP actually. If noone has physically seen him since the end of college you should be able to ask rhe police to do a safe and well check. Especially if he has previously been marked as at risk.

I’d be really worried that this would aggravate and anger him. He already reacted badly to feeling that people were interfering. And police are very reluctant to do S&W checks these days.

Purple do you have any way of loitering near the GFs flat to try and clap eyes on him? Just to check he looks ok even at a distance? I appreciate that might feel really weird and also be very hard to see him without being able to speak to him properly.

Hopefully you'll soon hear from college if he's turned up or not? Are they back this week?

I hope he gets in touch again soon - college is back soon so hopefully he will get in touch then.

Well, he did register for the second year of college and has been attending most days. He has missed three days so far and been late for a few, but he is at least going and seeing other people.

I have heard that the gf went with him to register and apparently went through his locker with him and found the phone I had left for him. DS confided to a friend the gf took it home, smashed it up and they had a big argument over him lying to her and going behind her back or some such nonsense. He was a bit upset because she then was giving him the silent treatment over it and he didn’t know how to fix it. Friend told him to dump her but DS obviously hasn’t done that. Honestly, the level of controlling behaviour he is being subjected to is breaking my heart.

College DSL has managed to catch DS briefly for a chat and DS has told them everything is fine. According to the DSL, from their observations and brief chat with DS, physically, DS appears ok, though looked very tired and may have lost some weight. Psychologically, DSL (and DS’s tutor) is a little concerned that DS is overly stressed / anxious / depressed / has lost confidence / low self esteem etc. They told DS they wanted him to restart seeing the college counsellor but DS has declined that. DS has told the college he is planning on seeing me but just hasn’t got around to it yet because he and gf are so busy.

I have decided that next week I’m going to go to the college and see him there. He might not be happy about it but I can’t just keep staying away anymore. I want to see him and I want to speak to him myself instead of getting all this bitty information secondhand.

Omg - she's a nasty piece of work - which doesn't help you !

I'd have to go to college too to try and see him 😭

Thank you for the update. Sounds like going there is a good idea. Maybe, just maybe the realisation is dawning on him about what he’s got in to. Why else did he tell his friend?

My gut tells me his heart will flip a beat when he sees you.

Try not to become emotional (hard, I know). She does that. You do calm, ever loving presence.

Oh lovely it sounds so hard to deal with, college sounds like best place for him to see you, can you kidnap him back home?

could the friend report to police that he saw gf smash the phone?