To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Oh @PurpleLampShades this is such good news. It's like he's putting out feelers to see how the land lies between you. Obviously from your POV you would have him back home in a heartbeat but maybe he thought too much time had passed.
Keep going, always let him know how deep your love goes. It's unconditional unlike the gf's. As other pp have said if he does leave college and goes into work he will see how controlling his relationship is and hopefully reach out to you for help.
I'm so happy that he has reached out to you, let's hope this is the beginning of the end.
Thank you for the update I always think of you when I'm on MN. It's so good to hear your good news.

I know it's incredibly frustrating and disappointing that his college course is suffering. However he is in the middle of a hugely important course of life learning and maybe these lessons are more important for him to be learning right now. He is young enough still for there to be ways back into education, and pick up where he's left off. Once this situation has reached its peak, he may even be a better student for it in the future and appreciative that his mum is unwaveringly right by his side. So easy to say, but try not to worry too much about that aspect. It speaks volumes that he still has the phone - he must have kept that very under wraps from gf and it must be dawning on him eventually that you very much have his back, in ways she doesn't.

Hang on in there purple

I was on your first thread but I've name changed twice since

Just keep that line of communication open . X

Don't worry about the college thing. The lad has his whole life to go to university. At this moment in time, it is going to be quite impossible for him to give that the attention it needs. I would want him to know that - that it isn't now or never - so he doesn't need to feel ashamed or like he's letting anyone down by not being ready yet.

I'm glad he got in touch. Baby steps. Just let him do the talking. Keep it light and safe.

I'm so glad he got in touch, it's a small step in the right direction. I'd just send short messages for a while, so he knows you are thinking of him. Even if it's just "good morning, have a lovely day".

Nice update. Hope this is a turning point.
As someone else said, try not to worry about his education. He's young enough that he can pick it back up once he's free of her - and I really believe he will be. It just has to run its course.

so good that your son got in touch, its a step in the right direction. I can guarantee gf won't know of this phone.

Purple, its lovely to hear from you.

I'm sorry he's not managing college.

Maybe (and its awful to think of) once he hits the bottom (mum, college, uni, future) he'll look at what is happening and star rebuilding himself. Because he'd be able to do that because he's got you in his corner (and thankfully he knows that regardless what GF does).

Take care.

Thanks so much for taking the time to update us purple I can imagine it is painful to type it all out to be honest.

It’s so devastating for you and for him and it’s clearly the long game that’s playing out but I still have hope he will eventually recognise how unhealthy and abnormal this relationship is.

How did you hear about college? Are they still communicating with you about DS? What support are they offering him do you know?

I don’t think you were wrong at all to say you love and miss him. I think it would be damaging if he gets the impression you are lukewarm about him. What he chooses to do with the knowledge is still in his control but I personally think it’s vital he still feels that unwavering love from you so he knows he is safe to come back to it at anytime he needs to.

The phone was such a good idea. Think about it- he’s specifically charged it so he can make contact with you. Even if it’s tentative and not frequent it’s a lifeline for him.

how are you in general? Are you managing to see friends and keep busy?

Thanks everyone.

I’m pretty sure he has kept the phone in his locker at college and that may be why I’m not hearing much from him…..because he’s not often there at the moment. I still get notified when he is absent so know when he’s not there. The DSL keeps trying to catch him when he is there but DS has stopped going to see the counsellor.

It’s his birthday in a few weeks. I don’t know what he’s doing for it but I really hope I might be able to see him.

Just read this whole thread and can't believe what you have been going through OP. My DS is not much older than yours and I would be devastated in your position. My heart goes out to you and your son.

It's absolutely bloody disgusting that no-one seems to be able to do anything about a 16 year old being blatantly abused. If this was his parents surely they'd have taken action by now and just wouldn't accept the "child" or the adult (the gf) not engaging? Or perhaps that's just my lack of understanding of the process. Fucking appalling state of affairs.

I would beg and plead with the college not to chuck him out on the basis that it's his one contact with normality and support that he has left. She's isolated him from everyone and everything else. And it's his only way of contacting you now it seems (via the secret phone in the locker).

I really hope for both of you that he wakes up to this woman soon. Heartbreaking.

If its his birthday in a few weeks, I'd definitely start putting the feelers out now to see if you could do something (especially if he's not seeing the phone alot)

Maybe suggest going for a nice walk around a park, or treat him to lunch?
Nothing too heavy but somewhere he might let his guard down. I suppose you should extend the invite to her so he can see that you're 'supporting' them.

If he seems resistant because he thinks he should spend his birthday with her, perhaps you could suggest that he could pick out his gift, if he goes shopping with you. He's still a teenager after all and I'd think they can't resist a freebie

Hope that you have some more positive news soon.

Stay strong x

I'd send a message and ask him is he looking forward to his birthday. Say you'd love to see him but no pressure and it wouldn't have to be on the actual day. Whatever or wherever he felt comfortable and it's totally up to him.

Just let him know you love him and that will never change.

I too am disgusted he's being so obviously controlled and no one can do anything. He's still so young. 😔 I have two boys and I just can't imagine. 😢 Hang in there op.

Hi Purple,
How's things?
When is your son's birthday?

Just found this thread OP, wanted to give you a virtual hug. Keep being there for him, he will come around.

Hi, i’ve been following this for a while so just wanted to say something that might be reassuring on the educational front.

don’t worry too much or get too hung up on the idea that he is losing out on opportunities re. his education and getting in to uni this year. It might feel disappointing right now for sure but i promise you, if he wants to go in the future he will be able to. (i’m mindful that the situation is very concerning and I don’t want to suggest this is a silver lining but you might even find he has a better experience going later as an older student in their 20s than someone just out of college.)

a break from education at his age wont have lasting impact on careers or opportunities available.

i work as an advisor in higher education helping people to return after a break from studies and i’m more than happy to send you information and resources when you and your son are ready for them.

of course the priority now is his wellbeing and i hope he manages to break free from what sounds like an abusive and controlling situation soon.

but when he does, know that his future will be bright.

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades
Hope you can organise something nice around his birthday, even if contact doesn't happen. Hang on in there xx

I hope he comes home soon OP :(

Been following since the start of this Purple, (although n/ch since first thread) - hope you get to see your son on/near his birthday, x

Same here @PurpleLampShades . Still think of you and check in even though my name has changed since I posted. Hoping you’re getting some peace and will hear from/see your son soon xx

Fingers crossed that you can see DS on his birthday. Your doing amazing hang on in there 🌺

I really hope there has been more contact again OP but I’m guessing bow term has ended he might find that secret phone hard to manage.

Hope you are ok and are leaning on friends and family to support you.
I think of you often

Hi Purple hope you are doing OK. You are in my thoughts every time I'm on here. We are all wishing for a happy ending to this thread. X

I don’t always post on this thread but I do think about this situation I’m waiting for the day purple says her son is finally free of that monster

just checking in to see how you are and how things are with your son.