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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part two

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 14/11/2022 19:22

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

OP posts:
Sandalwood3 · 15/09/2023 17:35

I am shocked at the level of control, and I'm so sorry you're going through this @PurpleLampShades . You're being so brave and so clear sighted - I really admire you.

Please go and see him. Please keep posting, so we can support you. I genuinely mean that and I've never said that on a Mumsnet thread before.

TotallyScouting · 15/09/2023 17:47

Is there any merit to giving him another phone if you can afford to? To keep the lines of communication open for him? He must be beginning to appreciate that this is wrong…

PandaChopChop · 15/09/2023 17:52

I think it's a positive indication that he is at least telling someone what (or at least a bit of what) is happening OP. I hope you're able to see him at college xxx

Zenwey · 15/09/2023 18:48

This is so sad, praying for an end to come to it soon

LakieLady · 15/09/2023 19:01

Oh, Purple, when I saw this on the front page I was really hoping that there would be some positive news. I'm so sorry to read that there has been little change.

This must be unbelievably tough. My heart really goes out to you.

RobinStrike · 15/09/2023 19:07

OP, I feel for you. It is so hard to watch your child suffer-or in this case know he's suffering and be kept away from him. When you see your son at college could you say you will leave a phone with the librarian, or with a pastoral lead or counsellor? Just anywhere that isn't his locker.
The fact you haven't given up on him and still send love and encouragement must eventually get through to him. Flowers

L1ttledrummergirl · 15/09/2023 19:44

Get another phone to him, he will know that you are still waiting for him. His safety net is still there.

Send him a lovely message so he knows you care and are thinking of him.

Maybe ask him if he wants lunch one day, just to catch up on his holidays.

Dwrcegin · 15/09/2023 20:02

Your poor boy. I really do hope he leaves her soon. At least he is telling a friend what is happening.

She's absolutely evil. Yes, go to the college and see him.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 15/09/2023 20:04

I’m considering another phone yes. Just not sure if it’s more risk than it’s worth. I’m quite sure he doesn’t know that I know what has happened to the first one.

OP posts:
BeandQueue · 15/09/2023 20:33

Oh @PurpleLampShades my heart absolutely breaks for you.

I'd definitely get him another phone, and I'd definitely try to arrange with the school for them to facilitate a meeting with just you and him.

You can be absolutely sure she won't be there if it's during the school day. I'd be so worried about her turning up and causing drama at either end of the day/lunchtime. I'd ask them not to tell him you're going to be there, so he doesn't avoid meeting you from guilt/fear.

IHateLegDay · 15/09/2023 21:52

I hope she vanishes into thin air. Honestly I just want her to disappear so DS can come back to you safely.
She is vile and I hope to god he breaks free soon.

Shelby2010 · 15/09/2023 22:07

Could the friend hold another phone for him? So he could at least text you when he’s in college. I guess DS will be worried that GF could insist on checking his locker at any time. I think it’s encouraging that he has confided in his friend about GF’s bad behaviour though.

7eleven · 15/09/2023 22:15

Good idea @Shelby2010

longleggitybeastie · 16/09/2023 09:28

Thank goodness he has a friend in his ear at least, telling him the right things. I'm so glad for him and for you that he has that and that you get to hear about it. Well done you for encouraging that network.

Other than getting cross with him, I'm not sure you can really do anything wrong at this point. Whether that's in person or with the gift of another phone for his friend to hang on to, he knows you've done nothing "wrong". He knows you love him unconditionally and are there for him. He wanted, made use of and kept the phone. That tells us as much as it tells her, and that's why she's angry. Fgs it's not like you're another woman he's sneaking off to see. You're his mother! One of these bonkers reactions will one day be the final straw for him.

If you do see him, I'm certain you'll be as amazingly calm and graceful as you have been throughout, but I wouldn't hold too much back in terms of showing him how much this is upsetting you and breaking your heart. Obviously not in a needy way, but enough to show the impact this is having. This could be in person, or in a letter with another phone. If one doesn't work, try the other. Neither of these things are wrong. Keep on with showing him calm, peaceful and respectful love and that you're striving to have a healthy relationship with him 💜

PerpetualFailure · 16/09/2023 10:08

Hey OP. It's great that he has signed up for college again! Lots of adults and friends around if he ever finds a way to come out her grips and reqch out. He will one day, for sure. He can't live like this forever. And it's good that people know what's happening (e.g. how she went crazy about the phone etc). I am sending you so so many good vibes and prayers xxx you poor soul. Have you got something like a group exercise class that can help you take your mind off and have q network? Or similar? What do you do outside of work? I think it's fine that you're going to see him. You're his MUM for gods sake. He can't avoid you forever.

Jaxinthebox · 16/09/2023 10:11

omg she went through his locker! her control is over every single aspect of his life. This is his first relationship and it will scar him for life. Its going to take a hell of a lot of trauma therapy to unravel her vile behaviour.

have you and college told social services what she has done? Surely they have to intervene? I know it's so hard if your son won't engage though.

Im so sorry this hasn't come to a conclusion yet purple. I also think it's good for you to go to see him - during a lesson, because she goes at lunch to meet him. It's so weird, SO awfully controlling and hideous.

Crispyperifries · 16/09/2023 10:57

Thank you for the update Purple, my heart goes out to you, I think of you often. Hope you are getting support and taking care of yourself.

I think going to the college and meeting him is a good idea, just so he knows that you are there for him still and haven’t given up on him. I hope the college are able to help you with the meet.

college has definitely changed since my day, they wouldn’t let others on the premises who were not members of the college. Everyone had passes to get in the building and no guests were allowed with pass holders. Shame the college he attends don’t have rules in place so she can’t enter the building.
Goodness what a nasty piece of work she is.

Good Luck Purple, everything crossed that the meeting is a success for you both.

FightingFatAt49 · 16/09/2023 11:05

Oh @PurpleLampShades, every time I see you post I hope and pray it's with good news. It is heartbreaking what you and your DS are going through. It's really positive though that he's back in school, keep the faith! There's a chink of light.
Sending you good wishes, as always 💜💜

Also, my thoughts on the 2nd phone...... don't get him another phone, she'll probably just find it again. Absolutely do go to the college and try to meet him. It'll be hard for him to "disobey" her, but I really hope you can talk to him.

Thedogscollar · 16/09/2023 16:48

Goodness @PurpleLampShades you most definitely must see your son and to hell with the gf.
This going through his locker and smashing his property is seriously worrying.
See your boy tell him how you feel about everything and how concerned you are for his physical and mental health as he is most definitely not in a healthy relationship.
You are doing the right thing this has gone on way too long. You need to see him and ask him to come home. He sounds confused he needs his Mum.
Sending you a big hug I think you're bloody amazing to be living through this nightmare.

itsgettingweird · 16/09/2023 17:21

I'd give another phone to college for him.

You don't need to say anything about knowing what happened. He may work out himself you know and it may be reassuring for him to know your aware of what's going on because hopefully one day he'll be ready to leave the abusive woman and come home Flowers

Stopthatknocking · 17/09/2023 09:27

Hi,
I've not commented before, but jhave read all your threads.

I'd be wary about giving him another phone.
He would know that the friend he trusted has told you about the previous one being smashed, and may no longer trust that friend.

He needs someone to trust or he will be even more alone.

Can you engineer it somehow to make it look like its the friends own idea to get another phone?

Purplebunnie · 17/09/2023 11:21

People seem to forget there are other means of communication than a phone!

You could write letters to him care of the college. He can bin them after and no evidence for miss controlling manipulative snoopy pants to find.

He can also write letters to you, again he can post them through the college and no evidence for the witch to find if he writes them at college

He may not wish to write to you because he may feel guilty because of being controlled but at least you could keep in contact with him by writing

Diamondsareforeverandever · 17/09/2023 15:17

Hello @PurpleLampShades I'm glad peridot pointed me to this thread as I've been wondering how you are. I do hope you are able to see your son at college.

MardyHa · 17/09/2023 18:14

Perhaps you could write a letter to the school with your email address on it (and phone number - he might not know it by heart?), he could always email you from a different account, at college perhaps. Just a kind letter saying he knows he’s always welcome at home and that you miss him. You don’t need to mention the broken phone.

MardyHa · 17/09/2023 18:16

Also, this thread is close-ish to being full. Just in case you want to keep it here as a line of support in case you need it at times. Might be worth creating a new one in advance.

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