To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

Hope you're doing ok xx

How are you? Xx

Still in my thoughts Purple, hope you are ok 💐

Also thinking of you lots purple.

Yes, always hopeful when I see this pop up in my watched threads. Hope you are okay Purple.

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades. Been reading from the start of it all and it's so horrifying that more can't be done.
You're doing admirably well under the circumstances and I hope that DS will wake up and see the light soon. Xxxx

Hope you’re ok @PurpleLampShades been thinking of you and your son

Hey Purple. Hugs for you, brave and strong woman.

Hope you are ok OP xx

Hello. I have been reading your lovely supportive messages but just haven’t been able to write an update, just because it’s so hard to actually write it out. But then today I read back through the thread and saw where I’d written that writing it out helped and remembered that actually I did feel better afterwards so I’m just going to do that again.

It’s not much of an update in terms of positive progress because there hasn’t been any. I had a few more brief text conversations with him via the phone I left at college with him, but since college broke up for the summer I haven’t had any contact. I am assuming he left it at the college perhaps but I’m not sure. His birthday came and went at the end of July, and his card and gift are still sitting on the side here. I don’t know what he did for it, if anything.

Towards the end of the college term he got into a physical fight with one of his friends that had to be broken up by staff. All because the friend called the gf a bitch after DS allegedly told him gf had slapped him round the face after getting angry at him for something. Friend was adamant DS had told him that but DS completely denied it and said friend was lying, jealous etc. I was called in to the college about it and that is the one and only time I’ve seen him in months. He has never been involved in a fight in his life until this and it was completely out of character. I believe she did slap him and that in a moment of weakness he broke and confided to his friend. Actually, I don’t want to call it weakness but can’t think of the right word there, just that he broke and confided in someone and then instantly regretted it for whatever reason. That doesn’t condone that he was violent though in any way and he knows it. Both boys were upset afterwards and I think they have made up as well as they can do right now.

Since college broke up, no one has really heard from or seen DS. He has sent friends a few sporadic texts, making excuses for why he can’t do something or go to a party or get together but never calls them or answers when they call. I have heard a few things from different people but he is basically completely isolated now. She has him exactly where she wants him. I will confess I’ve driven the long way home a few times to go past her house hoping I might catch a glimpse of him just to see that he’s ok but haven’t seen him. I’ve even stopped with the intention of knocking on the door but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

18 months this has been going on and now here we are……he’s now 17 and still there with her. And there is nothing to be done. He is not on any plan with SS anymore because he won’t engage or talk to anyone except to insist everything is fine. I still send a weekly text to the phone I left at the college for him but as I said, I have no idea where that phone currently is so don’t know if he’s getting them. I’m just trying to get through the days at this point. It feels like a bereavement. I’m sorry if that sounds insensitive to those that have been properly bereaved but I don’t know how else to describe it. I really wish there was something positive to update with. It’s just such a mess and I miss my little boy.

Part of her kick is getting at you too i really hope you update soon to say he’s seen the light and she will be on to her next victim

I'm so sorry, it's utterly heartbreaking and unfair and I hope you hear from him soon xx

Most likely op he wants to come home but is scared of what she will do surely he can’t be happy with her?

Oh purple I'm so sorry (I've been on your threads under a different username).

It's absolutely bloody heartbreaking but the fight you have put up with SS to try and get him help and the consistent love and support you have tried to show him is a true testament of your love for him and your strength as a mother.

I hope your boy finds his way back to you soon

And for what it's worth I left home around the same age as your ds to live with (what turned out to be) an abusive bf. My dm and I had no contact for almost 2 years until I managed to extricate myself and go home.

I thought about her every single day though and almost went home many times, it just took me a long time to realise the unhealthy situation I was in and stop seeing her as the enemy.

She was always there though and in my heart of hearts I always knew that. I'm sure your ds knows the same.

Im so sorry op, i really hoped things would be better. Do you know of the girls family at all ? Just wondering if they would be a family who would challenge her on whata going on, thats if they know whats going on ans not what shes filles their heads with.

Oh Purple I'm sorry it's not better news. Presumably he is due to go back to college in September, so I hope he will pick up his messages then. Can you leave his card and present with the staff for him?

I'm so sorry @PurpleLampShades! I really hoped that there would be some good news in your latest post.
Sending you a handhold! I hope he manages to escape that evil woman asap.

Oh my gosh, what a heartbreaking update. I'm so sorry to hear this is still going on.

Hello Purple,
All i read is you trying and TRYING with him yet you get nothing back in return.
He is your son and you love him dearly
and you will be there when this vile women is done with him.
Please take care of yourself.
Hard as it might be but step back and let the situation ride out.

I'm so angry at this awful, abusive, vile woman.

And purple you can feel this is like a huge loss like a bereavement, of course you can. It isn't isn't it. Do you have any real life friends or q therapist you can talk to? I feel so bad for you. The helplessness must be the worst feeling, is it?

And you're very strong choosing not to batter down her door. She is a bitch.

Your poor son. I pray he comes round very very soon. Hugs.

I hope you find some comfort from @SandraFromTheCornerShop's message Purple, and from this thread still. It seems very much a waiting game, but you've done everything you can (and some) to ensure he knows he is loved and has a path back when he is ready. Lovely to know that his friends have tried too, even if it got a bit out of hand. Hopefully, with time will come a bit of maturity and perspective and you'll get your son back. I hope that time is soon.

Oh OP that update is so sad. I'm so sorry things haven't improved. I really hope he can see her for what she is at some point soon. College starts back in two weeks and hopefully your son makes contact then. I second the PP's suggestion with leaving his birthday card and present at college.

Keeping you in my thoughts OP

I do find a degree of comfort from this thread yes, so thank you for continuing to post and reply even when I am absent for long periods. I do come and read it regularly just to remind myself of some of the little things and the positives that you see that I don’t always see. I have reached out to a few friends and they are lovely but you don’t always want to burden friends with these things when everyone has so much going on in their lives already. There is almost a little network of people now that look out for him and give me any little update they might find out from their kids. There’s not much because no one has really seen him for a few weeks but it helps a little to know others are thinking about him. I’m so grateful to the few friends that are continuing to try with him.

I am still seeing a counsellor, which does help because it means I don’t have to worry about burdening her. It’s literally her job isn’t it to listen and help me process things. I’m really trying to self-care. It’s not always easy to do but I am doing my best. I just have this awful ache in my chest / gut. Worry, missing him, stress etc. I lie awake at night just worrying and catastrophising about what he could be going through. I think it’s partly because I haven’t seen or spoken to him for so long. Perhaps if I could just see him and know that he’s even just reasonably ok it might be better.

I am hoping and hoping that he returns to college this year. He is going to be on probation due to attendance and I’m afraid he just won’t bother. If that happens I worry that I’ll just never see him again. I don’t think I could actually cope with that tbh. I have no idea if he will or not. I know college isn’t the be all and end all but it’s his one link to the outside world beyond this bubble she has trapped him in. I just don’t know.

It's lovely you have a network of people looking out for him. I can understand the anxiety of losing that if he doesn't continue with college and really hope it doesn't come to that. I don't know what others think but should that happen, I wonder if a completely open, heartfelt letter to him might be in order. I do think him hearing how much heartbreak and hurt, the no contact is causing you, may do some good at some stage.

Forgive me if I've forgotten the detail, but was he close to his dad? Are there any dates/anniversaries that are important to him?
I know you'd split when he died, but did you ever do stuff together to remember him?

I wonder if there might be a way in around that to remind him of the importance of family xx