To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

[Jaxinthebox]

hi @PurpleLampShades I hope you and your son have a lovely time tomorrow and have peace to enjoy each others company.

Just wanted to say I have been thinking of you.

[UneFoisAuChalet]

When you see him, I think you need to casually mention to him that starting a new relationship doesn’t mean he needs to end all others. Having and continuing normal healthy relationships with his friends, family and mother doesn’t negate the importance of his new relationship. It’s normal to want to see his friends and mother. Maybe say (lie!) your main concern is the speed of this relationship. People don’t move in together within a few weeks regardless of their age.

And then ask him to pass the gravy and talk about something innocuous. I sincerely hope it goes well and he visits regularly.

[PurpleLampShades]

Thank you. I’m hoping that he does actually come but he hasn’t confirmed as yet.

[boomoohoo]

Hi purple, sorry to hear the sw feels the risk is around him making 'bad choices' - that perspective lacks an understanding of coercive control - do they really not see the cc element of the relationship? It both surprises me and doesn't, in a way. Knowledge and awareness of coercive control varies greatly in sw teams and local authorities, and tends to be only those who have worked in specialist fields who can really see it, insidious as it is. I would get your local dv service involved if they aren't already, there should be provision for young people as part of the service.

Also, have they kept your ds open on a child in need plan? Or stepped it down to early help? Or closed his case

Really fingers x for you for tomorrow

[kateandme]

He agreed to this though.possibly time to start being mum with still an authority here?he's showing serious lacking in maturity if he's countdown these paths.

[Thedoglovesmemore]

Really hope he turns up today OP and you can enjoy the time together. I’d go into it with low expectations and count him just being there as a win. Thinking of you today.

[PurpleLampShades]

Just had text. He’s coming! I’m so looking forward to it. I feel like I haven’t seen him properly for ages and it’ll be the first time he’s been home since the end of September.

@boomoohoo They said there were some minor concerns about controlling behaviour which is why they want him to attend these workshop things about establishing healthy boundaries and relationships. It’s an early intervention rather than a CIN plan.

[Georgieporgie29]

Oh @PurpleLampShades im so pleased. I hope it goes well xx

[Dwrcegin]

That is excellent news OP!

[FooFighter99]

Try and play it cool @PurpleLampShades I hope it goes well

[SouperNoodle]

So happy for you OP!!

[7eleven]

So happy he’s coming. Really good sign.

[itsgettingweird]

Hope you have a lovely evening

[Badger1970]

Have a lovely evening together. Been thinking of you today and was glad to read your update.

[rainbowruthie]

Great news, hope you have a lovely evening

[Thedoglovesmemore]

Hope it’s going well purple

[Jaxinthebox]

I hope it is going well and you and he get. chance to reconnect and chat.

[kateandme]

I dont think you need to play it cool here.dont say the " wrong " things but clearly show how overjoyed you are.tell him,tell him you don't carevyour going to spoil him rotten tonight.really envelope him in love.dont hold back.dont let any inching in he might have of you moving away from him.he will see mum's just as she always is.still here.still here.mad butmy mum.
I'm so glad for you.

[Sunflower07]

Such a worrying situation for you, so sorry you are going through this.
Are the police aware of this and has there been a strategy meeting? I would want to know whether they have considered a child harbouring notice and what their rationale is for not issuing one if they have considered it. He is still a child and has moved in with another adult against your wishes, and there is evidence she has groomed him so I would really question them over issuing a notice.

[Jaxinthebox]

@Sunflower07 Please read the thread - of which there are 2 now. It explains everything that has been done. It is a multi agency Taskforce working on this.

[boomoohoo]

@PurpleLampShades I see, thanks for clarifying.

Really hope there were moments that felt lovely and connected yesterday, you must be replaying it over in your head.

[Thedoglovesmemore]

You ok purple? Hoping Friday had at least some positive moments x

[PurpleLampShades]

It was really good to see and spend some time with him even if was shorter than I’d like. It took him a while to relax and we got about an hour and a half together before she started texting. Then she rang him at about quarter to nine to tell him she was on her way to pick him up. He said he thought they agreed ten, and she then gaslighted him into believing he’d got it wrong so he apologised to her, then me for telling me the ‘wrong’ time.

I did say to him after the fourth or fifth text, don’t worry, reply to her text later, but he said she doesn’t like it if he doesn’t reply or answer right away. I talked about how it’s normal to keep seeing friends and family even when you move out of home. He said he knows that but she hates all his friends because they’re ‘too immature’ and ‘take advantage of him’. I said I didn’t know she’d met any of his friends. She hasn’t. She’s just decided they’re no good for him. Toxic was the word she used to him apparently. I’ve met his friends and they are generally a great bunch. I certainly wouldn’t describe them as toxic. I asked him if he thought his friends were toxic and he just shrugged and said he sees them at college so it’s okay.

I also broached the subjects of Christmas and money. It pained me to do it but I’ve invited them both here for Christmas. I don’t know if they’ll come. He said he’d have to ask her. We talked a little about what the money his dad left is supposed to be for and I said rather than increase that I’d give him the child benefit I get and we agreed to see how that goes.

[7eleven]

Baby steps. Bloody hell this woman sounds horrific.

[SuffolkUnicorn]

Op I’ve read your other thread you must have the patience of a saint she is a predator and a control freak let’s hope your son sees the light and leaves her