To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

[SuffolkUnicorn]

Does the predator actually work seems like she has a lot of free time to do taxi mum runs

[Thedoglovesmemore]

I’m glad you saw him OP but it’s a worrying scenario you describe. Age gap aside that is a controlling relationship in anyone’s book so when you add in his age AND the age gap it’s really concerning. I work with a woman leaving abusive partners and it can be so hard for them to recognise and then get away from even as fully fledged adults and mothers. Surely SS should be factoring in the kneel of controlling behaviour more than they are? I know you can never force someone to leave but I do hope they follow through on strongly encouraging him to do a course about healthy relationships.

how did he seem in himself when he described these things she was saying?

did he commit to next Friday at all?

and lastly how are you? It must have been bittersweet seeing him.

[gettingolderandgrumpier]

oh Op she sounds awful I feel for you . How you don’t go round and rip her to shreds you have amazing self control ? Obviously I’m not suggesting this is a good idea .
I’m also appalled at this just goes to show coercive and controlling relationships should be made more aware from young ages .
I really hope you get a good outcome from this eventually . Your poor son she’s a sick woman its horrific.

[middleeasternpromise]

Amazing work Purple, you have let him know a visit to his home is possible and safe. You did very well not to criticize her and so important to avoid that as no doubt she will be looking for reasons to say he shouldn't keep seeing you and if he has to defend her to you that will put him into a difficult situation. You asked some brilliant questions, questions often work better than statements as he has to think for himself when you ask them and that will stay with him.

All your concerns from the get go seem validated, this is very much a one sided relationship where she is calling the shots and behaves as deeply insecure. You are perhaps in for a longer haul than you would like but hopefully your steady and consistent approach may prove the most effective in the long run. If he can see his home with you is still a safe supportive place hopefully he will not feel he has no options but to stay with her and cannot come to you when problems hit as they undoubtedly will. I admire your brave Xmas invite, I wonder what the alternative would be? A day with her family? Or alone in her home. I have such admiration for your approach to such a heart breaking situation.

[7eleven]

I think him coming is a testament to his love for you. Presumably ‘she’ doesn’t make it easy for him.

[SunshineRoo27]

I've been following this thread since the beginning and I honestly have no idea how you are doing it but well done, you are handling things so well.

Just a thought I had, could you offer to drop him home next Friday so she can't decide to pick him up when it suits her? X

[Badger1970]

I'm so glad you got time with him. I agree about offering to take him home, that's a great idea.

She sounds unhinged. But slowly and surely, he's coming back to you in baby steps. Keep that momentum going

[forrestgreen]

Well done

Softly sparky catchey monkey

Be lovely, be fun, be safe, be welcoming to him (and the offer to her)

Then every so often bring up things his lovely (toxic) friends have done for him.

[PurpleLampShades]

She does work. I took a risk to ask a couple of questions. She works doing some sort of admin/PA, mostly wfh. She doesn’t really see or speak to her family as they have been abusive towards her in the past (this is what she told him) so if they don’t come here for Xmas they’d probably be in her house alone together.

I don’t think ss have actually seen much of the horrible behaviour and of course DS hasn’t said anything to them about some of the things she says or does. It’s really just me telling them things and I get the feeling that perhaps they think I’m exaggerating or something because I don’t want him dating her.

He seemed a bit anxious/tense when he arrived. I wondered if perhaps she’d been giving him a hard time about coming over. It took him about an hour to visibly relax and for a short time before she started texting it was so lovely. When he was telling me about some of the things she says/does he was very clearly minimising it, and he’d follow it with a story about something ‘nice’ she’d done, like made him dinner or bought him something.

I don’t feel like I’m handling it well tbh. I feel like ripping her hair out. I’m trying so hard to hide the stress I’m feeling from him. It’s so upsetting and I have to constantly tell myself getting angry or upset is not going to help him. It might make me feel better short term but that’s about it.

He did say he’d see me next week when he left so I’m hopeful he will come. I’m trying to think of things to do that might help the chat flow. We used to do jigsaws together because it made it easier for him to chat. Focusing on the jigsaw, not having to look at each other etc, bit like chatting in the car on a drive to somewhere. So I thought maybe I’d dig out a jigsaw or something. Or I was trying to think of some films that have storylines about coercive control etc…..like sending a subliminal message or something, but then there would be less chance of him talking during that.

[Jezzballs2000]

Sounds like a good meeting but incredibly frustrating!

[forrestgreen]

You're being too hard on yourself. You're just laying the ground atm.

He just needs to remember you're on his side.

A jigsaw is a great idea

[Choconut]

Jigsaw is a great idea, see if you have a Christmassy one.

[boomoohoo]

Well done purple 💜 sounds as though it went well and he had a moment of being at ease. On some level he will sense that too. All about the drip drip effect and building momentum with it.

Keep hold of the fact that this will end at some stage, sooner or later. Sounds from what you said that he may be entering an ambivalent stage (saying something, though minimising, and following it with something nice) this is a good sign and shows the conflict in his head. Be his soundboard, his safe space to talk. Reflect to him that you hear there are what feels like positive things about the relationship, and more difficult things too. The more you portray to him that you see all of his experience, the more likely he is to keep talking, keep thinking.

[Babyshadows]

You did so well! Must been so hard for you to let him go again. She's really got him in an awful place, working from home and constantly with him.

I would stay away from anything like films with a message. It sounds like he knows that he's in an unhealthy relationship, hence minimising. Keep being level headed and a safe space.

How did he look physically?

For activities where I want to encourage conversations I like to go driving. Abit of music, maybe stop off at mcdonalds. Always find that a great place for us. Take care. This week will likely feel so hard now you've had a snippet of time with him ❤️

[kateandme]

Sounds great.he came! That's a win.
How would going out for a meal be?if you time it where you'd then drop him off she loses that bit of control.that could be easily done."I've booked our favourite place,they only had late booking so I'll just drop you off"

I no it's so frustrating but keep keep the venom you feel ( rightly) for when he's not there.so you need to think of ways to lets that out.could you write it and stop it up or burn it.go to a field and scream.punch a pillow.do some dark art therapy.

Could you decorate the tree together one week.

How are his mates.is there a really strong one that would just go for it and lay it all out for him.consequences be famed at least he's heard it to think on it? His mates also need to be encouraged not to give up.are they in the no of the situation.because without that they may just see a mate choosing his bird.they will be pissed and leave him to it then.

Keep asking those clever questions op.
Maybe even like " what would you say if we were sat here and my boyfriend was saying/ texting the same?
But yes those questions or just casual reply to make him think.keep them going.

Would guilt tripping a bit work regarding chri stmas.not wanting you to be on your own as it's too late to organise going somewhere.
Text sometime in the weeks saying you want to get her favourite foods in?
Does she have any traditions or meals she wants included.
What present to get her?
Could you even shop a present for her together that way she deff can't come.

I'm worried about you giving him more money.
He's not at the agreed age is he?
This needs sticking to .
Your the adult mum here on this.i think you need to show that and put some boundaries still kept.

[kateandme]

Op we are all here for you.you don't think your handling it so come and just spill it all out on here.to us.tell us all the vile horrible things you need out your head.honestly.many of us have been with your all through this.we will carry you if we can.
Keep going.
Use us to vent.

Act clever.
Could you buy a gingerbread house kit.that might be a light activity to do together.(Smarties ans buttons are a must for sticking on roof tiles if you pleasr though.😉)

[nomcachange]

You are doing brilliantly. I am on tenterhooks every time I read your updates because I agree with you that it’s a very dark and sticky situation and I’m desperate for your son to extricate himself from it. A jigsaw is a lovely idea and from the GF’s pov a weekly jigsaw sounds pretty innocuous, it could be a way to keep him coming. Massive hugs, you must be constantly stressed, you’re doing everything you can ❤️

[longleggitybeastie]

Yes, massively well done again Purple, you've done brilliantly, although I imagine it won't feel like that to you until he's back home safe and sound, which is completely understandable. But really you have. That he came in the first place, that he felt safe enough to talk about the gf at all, that you felt able to approach the xmas subject (let alone be prepared to have them both at xmas and put it out there!) AND he apologised to you about the mix up (esp as he didn't need to) as well as saying he'll see you again next week, is all absolute testament to you having done a brilliant job. It's probably more than many would have achieved in the circs. So hard not to get drawn into difficult discussions or try to push things along too quickly.

The jigsaw/gingerbread house type ideas are lovely, especially if it reinforces good memories and positive previous experiences you had together.

As far as a film on coercive relationships goes, I would hope the college and/or social worker might be giving him info on controlling/abusive relationships. There are some good pshe type things and films they will have access to, designed especially for teens. Would it be worth having another chat with the safeguarding person to see if they will be doing/showing anything like that in college? Helps for him to have the messages come from different avenues too, and if they're taking care of that side of things, hopefully you for now, can just focus on building the connection of YOUR positive relationship even further xx

[PurpleLampShades]

Thanks everyone. It’s nice to read people pointing out the little positives. Sometimes you don’t see it when you’re in the middle of it. Good ideas too. I will suggest that I drive him home this week and see what happens. And decorating the tree together. I’ll save that for when he comes instead of doing it myself.

I’m fairly sure his friends know of her, but I’m not sure what they think about it. I would expect DS is telling them all how great it is and as she’s attractive they will be thinking he’s lucky no doubt. I don’t know whether she texts/calls him constantly whilst he’s at college so not sure if his friends will have picked up on that. Obviously, they’ll know he’s ditched hanging around with them outside of college but whether they’re annoyed about it I don’t know.

I really don’t know if he recognises it’s actually unhealthy or whether he was minimising because he knows I don’t like it/her and he didn’t want to give me any cause for criticism. I get the feeling he thinks she’s right and he’s wrong but is conflicted about some things. Confused may be a better word actually.

Physically, he looked fine. A bit tired perhaps but otherwise fine. He was wearing new clothes that she bought him. Stuff he probably wouldn’t have worn a year ago. And he’s had a haircut, different style. But he still looks like my DS, which I’m glad about.

[longleggitybeastie]

Confused and conflicted and a double dose of pride too I'd guess. Boomoohoo is right, this is the start of him showing ambivalence, which again shows you've made him feel safe and connected enough to express himself, even if he doesn't realise this himself yet. Totally the right move to try to reflect back what you are hearing next time, if it comes up again. It might feel tricky, it's quite a skill, but it will help bring it into his consciousness and make him feel heard without judgement x

[BesidetheseasideXxx]

I've followed both threads purple and the description of the last meeting with your son really feels like huge progress to me. Well done, and a jigsaw is a good idea for next time.

[kateandme]

Also remember if His head would be in bits its likely thay will come across or towarfs you.it will come in anger,pain,aggression.if he doesn't understand or starts to see the wrong in this he won't like it.it won't feel safe. So you being that safe soace,person is going to be key.

But yes keep almost repeating what he's saying.let him hear it.

Do you trust any of his friends mum's.wpuld you trust any enough to not make a hash of it.for them to have a word with their sons regarding how bat shit it is.helpthem see the control and coersian.

[keepcalm11]

Just catching up on your thread Lamps and there seem to be some postivies. I believe early help can be escalted to CPP so it's a start and proffs are taking it seriously. Sounds to me like the penny is starting to drop with DS but it may be a slow drip. Keep feeding this if you can without scaring him off. But I am no expert, just another Mum feeling for you and routing for you that you get your DS back soon. Keep doing what you are doing, you're doing everything right

[albapunk]

Hope you have a lovely evening with your son 💙

[Thedoglovesmemore]

Really hope you have been able
to see DS today purple and that it goes really well.