To think someone must be able to do something - part two

[PurpleLampShades]

I’m starting a new thread as advised by some posters and because the first thread was a great source of support for me (link to first thread here).

Long story short - DS (16) is in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started before he turned 16 at the end of July, though they both denied that to police and SS. I tried everything I could think of to stop it but he walked out of the house to stay with her at the end of September and I’m struggling to maintain contact with him. I’ve barely been able to see or speak to him since he left. She has shown very controlling behaviour and he is slowly becoming isolated from me, his friends and hobbies etc. Social services are currently involved, doing an assessment, but have already said it’s very difficult to do much without him consenting to input/intervention so I think they’re trying to prepare me for a poor outcome of the assessment. I am trying to focus on keeping my relationship with him going and ensuring he knows I’m here whenever he needs me and can come home whenever he needs no questions asked.

[PurpleLampShades]

He’s just left. He was 40 minutes late and spent almost the entire time he was here (less than 2 hours) texting her. He barely spoke to me. Pushed his dinner round the plate, barely ate any of it. I’m fairly sure they’ve had words about him coming here but as he wouldn’t speak to me I don’t know for certain. Either that, or I’ve done something to annoy him, though I don’t know what. I text him once in the week and got no reply. I said to him that I could see he was feeling stressed and didn’t want to add to it so he should do what he needed to do, but now I think perhaps that was sending the wrong message, that he should do what she wants him to? That’s not what I meant but I’m worrying now that’s how he might have taken it. She’ll jump on it no doubt. How can I undo the poison she’s dripping in his ear all week in a couple of hours? It’s just not possible is it?

[carmenitapink]

@PurpleLampShades

The sw said he scores low on the CSE risk assessment they’ve done and obviously doesn’t meet section 47 thresholds so they have no significant child protection concerns. There are some concerns about the relationship dynamics and the fact he’s withdrawing from me, friends etc. so they want to refer him to services that will help him learn how to recognise unhealthy relationship dynamics and establish healthier boundaries. They also want to put something in place to help us maintain our relationship, keep him at college and keep him from getting isolated. She is seeing DS on Monday for a final chat because he’s told her he won’t be attending the meeting and thinks the whole thing is stupid. Sw is hopeful that he can be persuaded to attend and engage with services. Deep down I know he won’t attend or engage in any counselling or therapy or whatever it is they want him to do, but I’m trying to hope I’m wrong. I’m hoping maybe something from when he was 15 might come up and maybe trigger something that can be done but I know that’s unlikely. I probably need to start preparing myself that nothing is going to be done and this situation will just continue like it is.

I’ve tried to have a conversation with him about money. He says he needs more money so he can contribute to bills etc. without having to leave college to get a job.

Why on earth would you give him more money??

If he thinks he's grown enough to move out and into a house with his gf, then he should be grown enough to support himself.

Much higher chance of things falling apart if he doesn't have money.

[7catsisnotenough]

Just keep going @PurpleLampShades , you are being so strong and showing him that you still want him in your life. It's horrible, it's like you're being turned inside out 😞Just keep your chin up, plaster a smile on your face, make inconsequential small talk and know that it will get better, he will come back to you, it will take time but I promise you it will happen eventually 💐My daughter is now a completely different person, she's grown up, moved on and matured. Our relationship is so different, I honestly never thought that we would ever be reconciled but we are...here if you want to DM me anytime 💐
Keep going, you're stronger than you realise and your son's bond with you is stronger than his bond with her, he's just got to realise that x

[MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled]

I have followed this for so long and not sure if what I will say is useful but I really want to acknowledge your pain and hurt.
Hold your ground.
You are his stability. You are his safe space. You always have been and you always will be. Don’t try and bend to what ever mood he is in/mood she has manipulated him
into before he visits. This will make you feel and look weak (you’re not - you’re the absolute antithesis of weak)
Try and be the same as you have always been. Be his Mum. He WILL come back to you and your relationship will be even stronger when he does. I can’t imagine how utterly would destroying this is but honestly - he really will come back.

[PurpleLampShades]

Why on earth would you give him more money??

Because I absolutely don’t want him to end up financially reliant on her, nor damage our relationship further.

@7catsisnotenough Thank you. It’s really nice to read you managed to get your relationship with your daughter back on an even keel. Gives me a bit of hope, tiny as it may be right now.

@MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled That’s it. Yes, she manipulates his mood before he gets here. God knows what she said or did this evening to him but it worked. His mind was on her the entire time.

[7catsisnotenough]

@PurpleLampShades it took a long time but we're really doing well now.
You will get there, I promise you, just stay strong, appear to be supportive (beat your pillows to death in the background!) and look after yourself.
Honestly looking after yourself is key to this, you can't be there for your son if you're falling apart so chin up, chest out and treat yourself as you would treat your bestie if she was going through this ok??
Rest up when you can, eat properly when you can, and try to breathe...
You've got this ok?! You are an amazing mum and he's so lucky to have you, he just needs to realise that 😘x

[UneFoisAuChalet]

This breaks my heart for you OP.
He should be enjoying his sixteen year old life, not dealing with an adult woman’s insecurities. She’s clearly projecting all her shit on him and he’s too young to see or understand what’s happening😔.

[lbnblbnb]

I am sorry to read about his visit - but he did come. That is so important. Despite all the pressure she is putting him under, he came to see you.

Agree with PP, look after yourself as I you would your best friend going through this.

My son is nearly sixteen. I really feel for you.

[kateandme]

We are all still here op.with you.keep talking.we got you.
He came.
Be his safe place.
Let him show that side of himself.
Your allowed to be his mum.dont nambi to it.uour allowed to ask him What s wrong with a bit of strength.
Keep letting him no your there.
Even when your going out a room to make a cup of tea.drop it. So he can sit with it without needing to bite back. " I love you you know and I'm always here for you.always going to be.tell me amything" leave him to sit with that.
I no it's hard.
Your being his constant though he will no that.

If he becomes more reliant on her could she get pissed off quicker and let him go?

Keep yourself going.do all the self care bits this weekend.
Eat.nourish.sleep.care for yourself.every week you shouldn't end it feeling rung out yourself!don't get ill over this.

[7eleven]

This reads to me like the relationship with her isn’t going well. Ultimately that’s probably a good thing. Stay calm OP. You’ve got this. When she goes low, you go high. You be the safe, loving, calm adult with secure boundaries. That’s going to be incredibly attractive to him.

[Jaxinthebox]

oh im sorry last night wasn't great - but he came to you. I thought there were boundaries in place - that no phone/texting etc when he is with you. That is your protected time with him.
Id keep a note and speak with SW re this again, reiterate that she is constantly harassing him when he is at yours for dinner.

[Thedoglovesmemore]

I’m sorry OP it must be terribly hard to look forward to seeing him all week for it to then go like that. She’s clearly very unhappy about him seeing you and that in itself is a huge red flag and another marker of her wanting control over him.
I wonder if next time you might feel you could ask him if she is unhappy he is visiting and if so why?
do you have any opportunity to raise this with the social worker?

was there any joy with seeing if his friends were still trying to be in touch with him? I can’t help feeling all the Xmas parties and get togethers will make him long for that freedom again.

hang in there. I can only imagine your desperation and frustration and misery. But keep going keep loving him and he will come home.

[Badger1970]

She's very clearly rattled by him coming home. You did really well staying calm, I think I'd have ripped the phone out of his hands and smashed it!

Keep on keeping on. You're doing great, even if you don't feel it today.

[PurpleLampShades]

This reads to me like the relationship with her isn’t going well.

Thats the thing. He doesn’t think this. She is horrible to him when he’s done something “wrong” (i.e. not what she wants), but then love bombs him when he does something “right” (i.e. what she wants) and he forgets being treated badly or blames himself for having done the wrong thing. He seems to really believe that any problems or arguments they have are because of him.

I was planning on trying to instill some boundaries re the phone when he’s here last night but i couldn’t bring it up when he was in that kind of mood. It just wouldn’t have gone well. I’m going to phone the sw on Monday. Maybe they can have a word with him. I don’t know if they’ve referred him to these workshop things yet either.

I don’t know about his friends yet. That was another thing I was going to try asking about last night.

[7eleven]

Hopefully, purple, it will slowly dawn on him that this isn’t a normal relationship. With a bit of luck, her head will be turned by someone older with more money.

[longleggitybeastie]

So hard Purple, but as always you're doing the right thing. Frustrating but this is probably just a step back before a step forward again, and to be expected (so don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for things you feel you ought to have done - it seems you did all that was possible - just to have created the space and to have been there). Yy to speaking with the sw on Monday, if only to get support and validation for your concerns. You have a justifiable need to debrief following the contacts. Important too as you say, to find out the progress on any interventions they have planned. Keep going

[notapizzaeater]

I hope he sees what sort of relationships his friends are having and begins to realise his is wrong

[Badger1970]

It's a good shout to talk to the SW.

[MardyHa]

I know this might sound counter productive, but when he’s at yours, instead of sitting opposite each other and trying to talk, could you make it super low key, like watch a bit of TV together or just let him be at home with no expectation but that he’s there? Maybe make him a sandwich or whatever and just co exist in the same space. Like ‘do you want to chat or shall we have lunch and watch some TV etc.’ I’m thinking something that makes it easier for him to be with you, makes his home the place where someone isn’t trying to get him to do something?

[Jaxinthebox]

good plan to speak to SW on Monday. You are doing great, you really are. I KNOW it doesn't feel like that, but you are.

[keepcalm11]

OP did you ever find out if the woman has history of this behaviour with younger boys or is DS the first. Surely someone will know or be able to find out about her past and if there is a pattern. Did SS do a background check they must have ?

She is manipulating and so blatant , I'd want to punch her lights out 😡

OP you are doing amazing

[kateandme]

Also op try and flip what she's doing back into him.repeat in your voice kind of thing.he is hearing her love bombing in her voice.he is hearing her berating and his wrong doing in her voice.how would it be if he heard you say it. And or if you said " if my partner said I did such and such wrong what would you say son?"
Or if he says I was wrong to... You could say would I be in the wrong if I'd have done that.make him think.
You don't ha e to stop being his mum.an authority of sorts.
He also wouldn't hurt to see your strength too.
What are you doing this week op?how's you keeping your head up?

[PurpleLampShades]

My aim was to keep it as low key as possible but as it’s the only time I get to see or speak to him I also need to broach subjects that need talking about. It’s trying to find that balance and the best way to do it. If he comes next week I’m going to put trying to talk about anything on the back burner and just see what happens. If he doesn’t come then I don’t really know what I’ll do about that. I’m trying not to think about it.

I have no info about whether she’s done this before. I don’t know if ss looked into her background. If they did they haven’t told me anything.

I’m working all this week. I thought I might try and do some Christmas shopping one evening. I’ve got DS a few bits already but there’s a couple of other things and stocking fillers I was planning on getting. This week is his last week of college before the Christmas break. I don’t know what he’s going to be doing with his time after that. Usually he’d be hanging around with his friends, cinema, parties, playing football, that sort of thing, but I doubt he’ll be doing that this year.

[savoycabbage]

I think you are handling this brilliantly. You are like a bomb disposal expert, just slowly and calmly working at one issue at a time whilst making sure that a big upset doesn't set the whole thing off.

I wouldn't' change things up' or try a different tactic as has been suggested. I'd keep doing exactly what you are doing.

Supporting him, being relatively positive about her whilst quietly highlighting things that happen in healthy relationships.
Talking about his friends.
Being calm and bit critical.
Telling him he always has a home there with you.
Treating him as an adult (even though he's behaving like a child).

I wouldn't tell him he can't use his phone whilst he is at your house, he'll just stop coming.

And I would transfer his CB to him.

Although because I'm not calm like you I'd be calling it Child benefit every moment of the day.

'I'll transfer your child benefit tomorrow' 'hope the child benefit got into your account' 'are you going to use the child benefit for a present for girlfriend?'

[RobinStrike]

I think you are doing brilliantly so far-and I know it won't feel like that. When he is on holiday from college if it's something he normally would do in his holidays, maybe suggest he meets up with his friends to play video games etc at your house? I know you will be at work but it might give him a bit of space and normal friendship time. Suggest if she is working at her home maybe using 'his and your home' for socialising would be a good space. Anything really to make home seem more attractive than her place. It's such a shame his mood was so bad you couldn't offer to drive him home. It does sound like he isn't as happy there as he envisaged. Maybe offer to have them both for Christmas at his next visit? Sending you lots of good thoughts. I really hope this turns around soon.