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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Rude text from holiday let .. how to control children’s mess.

274 replies

Nogg · 14/11/2022 12:46

I feel a bit upset. I got this really rude shaming message from a short ( 2 month) rental owner I was staying in. Saying I left it a mess/ unclean with small damages. That it didn’t smell nice etc
I feel a bit mortified as the lady was nice. I thought I’d cleaned it ok but she disagreed. So embarrassing.
There was no dining table do had to eat on sofa . No hoover so I bought my own albeit cheap one.
So now I’m thinking maybe I am not making enough effort. I try to control kids 4 and 7. I wfh full tube plus extra. There is so little time with work, school and basics to cover. I try to stop youngest kid from making a mess but he (and actually both seem really messy eating ) and youngest is generally destructive. I’m always telling off, nagging and cleaning but maybe I don’t do enough or maybe I’m not very good at it.
how can I get kids not to make a mess. Feel really upset at myself! I am always nagging but kids don’t change or listen.

OP posts:
DuesToTheDirt · 15/11/2022 15:01

"There was no dining table do had to eat on sofa . No hoover so I bought my own albeit cheap one."

In a holiday rental (as opposed to a long-term let) I would expect those things to be provided, and I'd point it out to the moany owner.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 15/11/2022 16:06

I'm in two minds about this, obviously we only have your word about how clean you left it...two different people have mentioned the mess your children have made whilst eating so they are possibly 'off the scale' messy.
I think the lady that owns the property is VERY clean and likes things immaculate and you sound more relaxed, not the best combination of people!

Caiti19 · 15/11/2022 16:12

Now that you are in your new house, implement a new rule of only ever eating at the kitchen table.

Madamum18 · 15/11/2022 17:45

Look, you cleaned it. You know you cleaned it. You know you did it to a standard that you think is fine

The fact that she doesn't think it was, is her opinion!! Don't immediately assume that she is right, and you are wrong! Have some faith in YOUR OWN judgement! And make judgements on your kids in terms of the behaviour standards you want for them based on YOUR beliefs and standards not some random landlady who is moaning!!

JT12 · 15/11/2022 18:06

I would always get a house professionally cleaned after I move out if you can’t clean it yourself. A rental agreement states that you should leave the house in the condition you found it. Basically you are staying in someone else’s home. Would you allow your children to eat like that if they were at a friend’s house? It is your house whilst you are there but when you move out and it is returned it should be immaculate- I would be very upset and angry if someone made the excuse that their children are messy eaters for the mess. It is 100% the parent’s responsibility. I think it was totally unreasonable

Thurst · 15/11/2022 18:22

If it was clean but needed a deeper clean, eg beds pulled out, cupboards cleaned etc then I would expect that to be done as part of the expensive fees. Air b&b places charge a fortune for exactly this reason.
some people are just arseholes.
I think people are mistaking your low self esteem and propensity for bashing yourself as an admission that it was badly damaged. Also some of MN love to feel superior because they are anal about cleaning standards.

TheSweetestPea · 15/11/2022 18:53

@Nogg
"His eating is really messy. I’ve asked him to try harder. He is not good with pen control and fine motor skills compared to his sister.
he is very strong. Even as a 6 month baby he managed to smash a toy to pieces and try to eat the batteries ! "

I'd really think about having him assessed for dyspraxia. It sounds like it to me and a diagnosis (together with therapy) will hopefully help him a lot, especially when it comes to school as he will need support. Good luck x

oosha · 15/11/2022 19:00

Owner sounds like a nasty cow on the make, tell her to pi55 off!

KelvingrovesBest · 15/11/2022 19:24

Teach the children good table manners and this initially can be a game and fun. Yes you need a table.
Good table manners will last them a lifetime.
How to set the table / where the knife, fork and spoon ‘live’ when laying the table. It works in my home. Start off with the children copying your manners. Hopefully you sit with them at meal times?
If your table manners are questionable, look on You Tube. Honestly it can be fun with much less mess.
Good wishes.

queensonia · 15/11/2022 19:38

If it was an Airbnb type let it should have had a dining table and chairs so it was her fault for not providing the basics.

Saltywalruss · 15/11/2022 19:42

queensonia · 15/11/2022 19:38

If it was an Airbnb type let it should have had a dining table and chairs so it was her fault for not providing the basics.

No they don't need to provide a table! If the OP wanted a table she should have made sure there was one. It's not the owner 's fault that the children made a mess.

Saltywalruss · 15/11/2022 19:46

Madamum18 · 15/11/2022 17:45

Look, you cleaned it. You know you cleaned it. You know you did it to a standard that you think is fine

The fact that she doesn't think it was, is her opinion!! Don't immediately assume that she is right, and you are wrong! Have some faith in YOUR OWN judgement! And make judgements on your kids in terms of the behaviour standards you want for them based on YOUR beliefs and standards not some random landlady who is moaning!!

Not a "random" landlady at all. In fact, we're talking about a specific landlady! The OP rented her house, of course she's got the right to make a complaint about the state the OP left it in.

Madamum18 · 15/11/2022 19:54

Saltywalruss · 15/11/2022 19:46

Not a "random" landlady at all. In fact, we're talking about a specific landlady! The OP rented her house, of course she's got the right to make a complaint about the state the OP left it in.

Yes she has a right...it doesn't mean that she is being reasonable though! Who knows apart from the OP ....so the OP needs to judge for herself whether what she did was reasonable cleaning and not beat herself upon an assumption that the landlady's comments are reasonable. They may be, who knows, but the OP has to have some confidence in herself in order to make a reasonable judgement on that

mathanxiety · 15/11/2022 19:57

Do you eat with the children, OP?
Do youbeat while the TV is on and distracting the DCs?
Does the 4 yo sit on a chair at the table?
Does he have a booster of some sort?
Small, child size cutlery?
Does he eat with his hands?
Does he stay seated for the full meal?
Do you serve foods that can be dropped easily? Peas, corn, etc.

Does a lot of drink get spilled? Maybe consider a water bottle with built in straw and a spout instead of a glass or cup.
Are hands and faces wiped after eating?

Runnerduck34 · 15/11/2022 20:05

Wouldn't worry about it OP.
You did your best, no one here can say if house was left dirty or not but sounds like you did your best, its possible you missed some things because thats life but also possible landlady could be trying it on to keep back some of the deposit.
Eating on sofas isn't ideal but I wouldn't buy a table and chairs for somewhere I was living in short term. Like you I'd wait you i was in my permanent home.
You never have to see how again , ignore, enjoy your new home!

Daffi · 15/11/2022 20:14

Nogg · 14/11/2022 13:17

I did clean everything: dishes etc toilets bathroom, bins. Hoover ( cheapest Asda hoover) wipe all coaches etc, maybe I’m not great at cleaning. I do rush things sometimes.

People that are renting property are making a fat profit, and inflating the property market. If you rent your property out you have you make allowances for small maintenance and deep cleaning. If you allow kids or pets, much the same thing, then you should expect more mess/damage. Tell the capatalist bitch to FO

mathanxiety · 15/11/2022 20:16

You can establish some basic house rules, but you have to keep at them all the time and be consistent. Don't let them get away with breaking the house rules.

No running indoors.
No jumping on furniture.
No throwing.
No horseplay.
No drenching the bathroom during bathtime.
Crayons and markers, etc, stay in one room.
Indoor voices always - no shouting.
This teaches awareness of behaviour and volume and that different behaviour is appropriate in different places.

Kids must say please and thank you if they want something from you.
No helping themselves from the fridge or cupboards or fruit bowl.
The reason to ask is to establish who is in charge. They can progress to helping themselves when they're older.

Beds should be made each morning.
Clothes for school should be laid out each night.
Before bedtime, they can help you pick up their toys and books, etc for half an hour.
All of this can be done cheerfully, with hugs and high fives when the job is done. They will gain a sense of appreciation for order, neatness, and working together, and will start to take pride in their home.

Your children need you to step up and take charge. It seems from your posts that you're leaving an abusive situation (well done!) and it's natural for children to be affected by that. They've probably lived with a person who made them frightened and anxious. Now you need to establish a home life for them that is ordered and calm and secure, and home will be somewhere they will feel safe.

Yes, it's a big ask, and you yourself are dealing with the after effects of trauma - the feelings of being useless and incompetent and the stress are all responses to trauma - so make sure you develop little rituals for yourself that help you feel less stressed.

When they've gone to bed, finish cleaning up and light a candle, rub moisturiser onto your hands or feet, or listen to a meditation app. Don't get sucked into having a glass of wine to unwind. That's a slippery slope for many women. Remind yourself how far you've come, and give yourself credit.

CountessWindyBottom · 15/11/2022 20:49

Sounds to me like you're just not very good at cleaning. And if that's the case, and you can afford it, then get a cleaner. It's the best money you will ever spend. I also have small kids and between them and my own chronic untidiness the place often looks like a bombsite but I have a regular cleaning lady (who is simply wonderful) which means that I have to try and keep our home semi tidy (at least before she comes round 😉). If we didn't have her I know I'd just get overwhelmed so having the extra pair of hands to keep on top of things is just marvellous. If you don't think you're that clean then a third party should be able to show you standards of cleanliness which you can then maintain between visits.

Moosefish81 · 15/11/2022 21:49

Nogg · 14/11/2022 13:49

His eating is really messy. I’ve asked him to try harder. He is not good with pen control and fine motor skills compared to his sister.
he is very strong. Even as a 6 month baby he managed to smash a toy to pieces and try to eat the batteries ! R

This sounds a lot like my son at this age. He was subsequently diagnosed with dyspraxia at age 11. Obviously it’s impossible to say without a professional assessment that your son has this but as others have advised, it would definitely be worth getting an assessment with an OT. In the meantime, lots of practice of fine motor skills by cutting things out with scissors, playing with play dough may help. This website may also be helpful to see if any of the symptoms listed seem to fit your son: dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/what_is_dyspraxia/dyspraxia-at-a-glance/

pinkpantherpink · 15/11/2022 22:04

Give yourself a break. You don't need to deal with letting person again, do you?

Now you have your own place and a table and chairs I'm sure you will observe how they eat and teach them accordingly. How cleanly can children eat sitting on floor or sofa?

They'll socialise at school too won't they? We adapt to the people around us

Daffi · 15/11/2022 23:25

CountessWindyBottom · 15/11/2022 20:49

Sounds to me like you're just not very good at cleaning. And if that's the case, and you can afford it, then get a cleaner. It's the best money you will ever spend. I also have small kids and between them and my own chronic untidiness the place often looks like a bombsite but I have a regular cleaning lady (who is simply wonderful) which means that I have to try and keep our home semi tidy (at least before she comes round 😉). If we didn't have her I know I'd just get overwhelmed so having the extra pair of hands to keep on top of things is just marvellous. If you don't think you're that clean then a third party should be able to show you standards of cleanliness which you can then maintain between visits.

Jesus, leave her alone, I bet you have a cleaner that you pay cash as it's cheaper

Stewball01 · 16/11/2022 00:31

The trouble today is that children aren't disciplined. I've noticed they shout at parents, do what they want and are hardly told a thing about it. Maybe you don't discipline your kids enough so they carry on doing what they're told not to.

Gumreduction · 16/11/2022 06:19

Stewball01 · 16/11/2022 00:31

The trouble today is that children aren't disciplined. I've noticed they shout at parents, do what they want and are hardly told a thing about it. Maybe you don't discipline your kids enough so they carry on doing what they're told not to.

Let me guess…. Retired? No grandchildren? Or indeed children?

Gumreduction · 16/11/2022 06:20

Of course there’s shit parents. Today, last year, last decade, last century, last millennium.

BosaNova · 16/11/2022 07:12

Gumreduction · 16/11/2022 06:19

Let me guess…. Retired? No grandchildren? Or indeed children?

You don't have to be retired to think that discipline here is lacking😂
I came to uk at 19, saw 10+child tell his mum to fuck off with mum just doing "that's naughty", got "shs do you want to get stabbed, leave them be" on a bus when teenagers bullied some ADULT, saw kids set bins on fire.... And more. All that within first 6 months in uk😂