To think some people come on Mumsnet solely to be the utter bitches they can't get away with being in real life.

[SynchOrSwim]

I just see so many posts where people seem to do everything they can to make others feel as small and stupid as possible.

I know there will be disagreement and debate on here but some people are so unnecessarily nasty they're like panto villains!

This was the reason I have deleted mumsnet twice already. I have just rejoined for a third time.

People are so mean and I now go out my way to try and make people feel good.

I think if enough of us are the opposites of trolls it will bring people up.

I apologise for that. It was snarky.

That’s lovely @lightaa that will help to shift the balance the right way

@ilovesooty
Thankyou I really appreciate that. I think I just remembered how I felt a few years ago when I first posted on here having big problems with my then teenage son. I was literally sobbing with some of the replies they were just so cruel and unnecessary.
It was another poster who DM'd me she was a police officer who helped me through that time and I will never forget her kindness as it really helped me cope. That is why I have stayed on MN as I find it informative, funny and at times a great source of comfort in the advice given.

I think most people have probably been guilty of saying a twatish comment at some time. The reasons for this are:

• this poster has asked the same things in a lot of different posts and they are looking for a different answer. When advice is given in good faith and the poster doesn’t listen, it’s infuriating.
• tone doesn’t convey in a post
• some people would say these things in person but the tone would be decipherable or you would know that person is usually quite blunt
• people carry grievances from one post to another post - as seen on here
• some people just enjoy being mean
• I think the big thing is that MN is an echo chamber. Whatever the prevailing view can generate a hive mind and it can lead to a chorus of nasty post because they all feel they are within the realms of reasonableness because it is the view of the site. In reality, the view of the site isn’t something that is shared by most in real life E.g. toilet brushes

Sometimes I find MN too much and I need to leave for a while. I try to stay around because if I’m in a good space, I will comment on threads where OP is being dragged over the coals for something unfairly or having horrible comments made about them.

I think sometimes it’s best to just leave things. I’ve had a number of posters respond to me with shitty comments and sometimes you feel the need to defend yourself but sometimes you just need to walk away. In real life, if someone was outright aggressive to you for some grievance only they can work out, you would distance yourself from them, you wouldn’t respond to them or if you had to you would say whatever you needed to leave there without it getting violent.

The 99% sure getting engaged thread was mentioned thought I take a quick scan of it . OMG it is brutal . The OP is deleting her account .Some terrible comments !

I'd hate to be the cause of someone feeling like that. I really am sorry - and sorry you went through that.

YANBU some of the vitriol that comes out is incredible. It puts me off posting about things tbh, and I only comment on things every so often because the vile things that people say here.

Back in the day the phrase "Don't Feed the Troll" was used frequently on forums as the people who deliberately posted shitty or deliberately provocative responses were classed as trolls. Unfortunately the definition seems to have adapted to mean someone who posts a fake thread.

The problem is with these trolls is that they do it for attention-to get a rise out of people. They will be delighted when they engage someone or even better, several people, in an argument!

I have posted in AIBU and started a couple of threads (under another username) and had the inevitable trolls responding and I just ignore and refuse to engage. I really wish everyone would do the same. If they don't get the attention they crave hopefully they'll crawl back under the stones they came from!

I think there are a fair few TRAs and probably some seriously pissed off men who walk the boards. Also the tone of a thread is often set by the first couple of replies to the OP. If these are unpleasant then whoosh the thread becomes a pile on. I've been on here for many years, but I've noticed over the last year the relationships board has become really quite unpleasant (AIBU has always been akin to circus maximus!) but relationships was generally a safe place.
I have a very varied work life, and a do some volunteer work with vulnerable young people, the thread which really got to me was the poster asking if it was weird that a stranger, on the bus, asked her for coffee. People gave the Op a right bashing and told her she was a bitch for being unfriendly etc so unnecessarily unpleasant, but what posters don't realise is the people I work with, would read this and think it would be okay to go for coffee with a stranger because that's what lots of people do to make friends. It puts my client group at a greater risk because they don't have the skills needed to determine if that would be 'safe' or 'risk', when they are already struggling to navigate the complexities of social interaction.

My experience of MN would be so much better if I could hide or block posters. When I've hidden a thread because it's got unpleasant and still get the bloody @ so people can tell me how wrong I am - it's horrible. I don't remove the function because sometimes people are relying kindly on other threads with advice about uni or something.
There's several posters that I see and just exit a thread because of their style.

How lovely to see this response. Hurrah for civility all around.

(not intended to be patronising)

Being able to block or hide posters would be grrrreat.

Thank you.

i hate it when this happens too - just ends up with unnecessary pile ons. I tend to read pages one and two and then read the rest of the thread backwards to avoid doing just this!

Its great when people come together I think I'm going cry 😭 ( am I being too emotional? ) This is a good thread .

onefrenchegg

That would be an absolute treat. ☑️

Same here. I spend most my time lurking and resurface every now and then. I feel really sad when OPs are asking for help and they get shamed and trolled. Just why? What does it achieve?

I did the same (looked at that thread off the back of this one) & I didn't really think the comments were unmerited, overall. Some were harsh; some were making a valid point tho. Again, I don't think I'd post on a thread like that either way tho, as there's no point in adding to any upset for an OP at the same time.

Agree! I actually think some people are on here purposely disagreeing with the OP regardless of their actual opinion just to be horrible.

Yes definitely. It’s why I left. I’ve only rejoined recently because I have covid so need to waste time distracting myself, I’ll be leaving again when I’m better.

It's part and parcel of any online forum or media platform, especially when people are using an alias.

Lots of people have unfulfilling lives, feel lacking in some way, are bored or lacking in self esteem. Lashing out online is a way to alleviate those things for a lot of people.

Yeah I agree . some people are oblivious that they are speaking to real people and prob would never do this in real life.
Excellent username btw I have that song in my head now 😂

I think when you imagine people to be like you - same education, same age, same marital status, same financial situation - you can't help but think 'what a bitch, I would never behave like that' but if you imagine someone neurodivergent, someone much older, or someone much younger, someone very lonely etc etc it can take the sting out of a comment.

That’s very snobby. You’re basically saying if I imagine it’s someone less “important” than me then I don’t care about their opinion