To think some people come on Mumsnet solely to be the utter bitches they can't get away with being in real life.

[SynchOrSwim]

I just see so many posts where people seem to do everything they can to make others feel as small and stupid as possible.

I know there will be disagreement and debate on here but some people are so unnecessarily nasty they're like panto villains!

That’s very snobby. You’re basically saying if I imagine it’s someone less “important” than me then I don’t care about their opinion

eh? no, she's saying try to empathise with why people feel differently... like on grandparents threads, parents with babies vs grandparents

I wonder if the problem is that people seem to conflate being kind with being helpful?

If a poster wants people to agree with her that eg. her MIL is being a nasty vindictive bitch who clearly wants to steal her DC away and show her up because omg MIL dared to buy her DC an outfit from a shop that OP hates, but instead gets posts telling her to grow the fuck up - in some cases yes, using those exact words, and in others the verbal equivalent of an eyeroll or two, then I suppose pp have been unkind. I wouldn't say that they have been unhelpful though? Or is the only correct response to agree that yes hun, MIL is totally a narcissist and OP would be quite correct to not let her near DC ever again?

Support is not always agreeing with an OP. Support is not suggesting that an OP go to 'counselling' with her partner when he refuses point blank to help at all with his DC or with the cleaning.

That’s very snobby. You’re basically saying if I imagine it’s someone less “important” than me then I don’t care about their opinion

That is almost the exact opposite of what she is saying. This is really interesting in the context of this thread- I wonder how many other people who find comments unkind also do not understand what they are saying?

Grow the fuck up is never helpful. It just hurts a hurt person more. There are ways of making people think without insulting them.

@Haffiana @creepie oh thank goodness you came along. I was literally sat at my computer like WHATTTT??!

What you say is exactly what I meant. If you read a mean comment and you imagine the person saying it is exactly the same as you - you might think it reads 'bitchy'. But if you imagine the person is 17yrs old or 75yrs old it can often change the entire tone of it. Because truthfully, I do make exceptions IRL. I might give more or less leniency towards a view-point based on a number of factors of which I know about the person.

We, or at least I, adapt in life to different audiences, the thing with a forum is you don't know exactly who that 'audience is' - which gives room for the benefit of the doubt.

That's all I meant.

I'm just about to switch off after reading a couple of threads tonight where people were being deliberately nasty. They can try to dress it up in nice words, but you can't hide nasty.

YANBU, OP.

I posted on here about 5-6 years ago asking for support/advice and I was reading through the replies the other night. My god what a difference people were so kind, understanding and supportive in my time of need. It’s really not the same place anymore.

Yes, I'm very wary on here.

I think I've only ever started two threads in a decade or longer and one was about recipes!

I agree. I’ve run into a few of those. The nature of their replies indicate they are male.

Great thread OP.

I don't think it's jealousy as such because we don't know people from Adam. But certain threads bring out the privilege or it's either the opposite end of the spectrum and people can't fathom how people cut their cloth differently to be able to afford things.

Yeah I think there are definitely some angry men on the sahm v woh threads. Relentless they are.

There are a lot of people very jealous about SAHMs on MN, but there is one particular poster who comes in every SAHM thread and they are so utterly inane, it drives everyone else off the thread. I've seen it about ten times now - no point even commenting on those threads I feel like going on and warning people not to get sucked into this poster's game..It is bizarre to watch and you wonder what has happened to this person in real life that they are so bitter and twisted.

Don’t disagree, this is a parenting site so there will be angry women and angry men on here. But all I ask is please don’t try and guess sex & accuse a poster of being a man on a thread. I’ve been accused of being a man on MN at least a few dozen times and it’s really upsetting.

I am staying well away from anything SAHM from now on , I've never seen anything like it .

No, I’ve not questioned them because, of course, I could be wrong. I’ve learned not to respond because they’ll just come back nastier. I just stay away from them.

Im sorry that’s happened to you.

Nor will I accuse people of being sock puppets just because 2 or 3 people have the same controversial thought. I’ve seen the sock puppet accusation on quite a few occasions.

The third thing I’ve seen is a group gang up on someone -make vague jokes about them and use a lot of the laughing emojis in each post as though amused at their own cleverness. Can’t really explain it, it’s a weird sort of passive aggression.

Other than that mn is pretty cool. Lots of topics for discussion and I read heaps of interesting things. It’s members are also really good value in regards to information sharing.

You get difficult/angry/ mentally ill people on every forum unfortunately. The worst and most unkind bullying I ever received was from a bunch of regular posters on gransnet of all places!!

Yes! I wonder if we’re thinking about the same person! They have been called out by posters before because every time there is a SAHM thread they go on and make unrelating comments about how they can’t stand SAHP and would never allow it and derail the thread until it’s working parents vs SAHP.

Absolutely. Some love to kick someone when they are already feeling anxious and down.

I also think a lot of posters use it as a proxy to take out their anger at someone in real life where they feel unable to do so, like ‘other women’ or people whose kids bite other kids etc.

Absolutely this

I was on that thread. I challenge that behaviour where I see it happening.

But I have to say don't think starting threads referring to other women using misogynistic pejoratives like 'bitches' is doing much to improve the ambience of the site.

There are also lots of brilliant posters on here. Intelligent, wise, funny. Experienced professionals who share their field specific knowledge. It is still the best place on the internet for women looking for female-centred support, advice or just a chat.

I think another reason the MRAs hate it is because it proves how often women lift up other women. It illustrates every day how capable women are. And it shines a light on the real issues that matter to women. There are some absolutely amazing women on here who are working hard in RL to make other women's lives better every single day.

I agree.

They always defend their position by claiming to be robust, tell it like it is etc etc.

There is a difference between a discussion/disagreeing with a poster and a slanging match. Yes, bitchery is not too strong a word. I imagine some bitter, miserable, angry, frustrated person sitting there like a trap-door spider, just waiting for an unsuspecting OP to come along and - wham - they pounce with usually one of the following pearls of wisdom:

• Why do you care?
• You sound vile/snobbish
• It's none of your business

Very 'primary school playground'.

I think they must be really inarticulate and terrible at English comprehension. An OP raises a point for discussion and immediately gets asked why they care when they've usually explained in their OP why they care.

I agree completely. And I also suspect that a great many of the nastier responses, particularly when it comes to threads about women facing domestic and sexual abuse, are emanating from precisely that direction.

Yes, some people do behave badly. But on the whole, I see the good - and there's a great deal of it - that still exists on this site.