To think some people come on Mumsnet solely to be the utter bitches they can't get away with being in real life.

[SynchOrSwim]

I just see so many posts where people seem to do everything they can to make others feel as small and stupid as possible.

I know there will be disagreement and debate on here but some people are so unnecessarily nasty they're like panto villains!

I didn't go on the 'engagement' thread because I could guess how it would turn out.. seems like it did..
I DO sometimes add 'xx' because the person looking for advice can't see me.. it's my way of saying I'm with you, I understand, I'm sending virtual hugs..

I've kind of beat myself up this weekend after getting a bit too invested in some threads & trying to help & be gentle & understanding, in the midst of nasty replies.. then the OP never responds & I fear the nasties will come after me.. :-0
Oh well, I'm trying to be the best person I can, but must stand back a little..

Ethelfromnumber73 · Today 11:10
AnApparitionQuipped · Yesterday 18:47
Undoubtedly some posters are the proverbial keyboard warriors. Others fall victim to goading. Some might overreact if a thread touches a particular nerve. Sometimes when you post something, it reads more harshly than you intended.
Absolutely this

Sure - but take time to read back the post and count or 10 or something. Be aware that you don't have tone of voice, intonation or facial expression or body language to soften what may come over in words as rude, harsh, sarcastic or spiteful.

()ff topic a bit, but I remember hearing someone say that the reason social media can be so harmful is the rapidity and ease of communication - as well as the impossibility of calling something back if you have second thoughts. In the past someone wanting to post a poison-pen letter (same types we get on here occasionally) would have to find a pen, paper, stamp, and envelope, write their horrible spite out and then walk to the post box to send it. All this would give time for consideration and second thoughts.

Now - you can hurt someone, wreck their self-esteem or just spoil their day very successfully while sitting on your backside in the back bedroom.)

I think another underlying thing is that some people spend a LOT more time on here than others. I tend to come and go a bit for example, at times I’ve been here every day for hours, other times not for months or longer. But some very frequent posters can forget that this is a “drop in” for others, and everyone hasn’t seen every thread they’ve seen. I got absolutely roasted for starting a thread in a particular section and was accused of being a troll, a man, some kind of agent etc when I was actually a lapsed user who hadn’t realised I was raising a topic often raised at that time. Tbh I didn’t mind as I could see it from their point of view but I don’t feel comfortable posting there any more in case I inadvertently put my foot in it again.

sooo many of the meaner toned threads follow this pattern I think - “have you posted this before OP?” “This is the 3rd thread about this I’ve read in the last fortnight” etc - well yes lots of people have the same thoughts and problems.

I agree too. Sometimes I get the distinct impression that there are people who are deliberately trying to sabotage the good and the support that Mumsnet provides. Derailing threads, bullying the Op, bullying pp who have been supportive or have given good advice or a helpful perspective, being goady, etc.

Slightly off topic but similar - something that does grate on me is that someone starts a thread and they get some shitty responses but then they are people who have really considered the issue. I often go away and make a coffee and really think about something and I might spend ages drafting what I hope is a thoughtful reply.

But then the OP just gets caught in the web of arguing with the vipers who probably took less than 3 seconds to write 'I couldn't get upset by this'. Rather than focusing on the people who wrote several paragraphs trying to empathise, but also provides solutions, alternative ways of thinking and provided a balanced view.

Sometimes it is a case of 'cut off the air supply to the toxic people' - stop giving them air time and they'll get bored and move on.

that is a really good point

Quite a few of the examples that are being given are actually posters trying to protect others from trolls. If there are suddenly a spate of threads on a subject that is emotive or causes arguments then yy posters will point it out. It's flagging to others that it may be an OP being deliberately contentious or is actually a TAAT because the OP didn't like the replies the first time round. There's also a trend from MRAs/TRAs to deliberately start nasty threads and post abusive comments so they can screenshot them and pretend they show what MN is like.
I don't think MN is for everyone. That's ok.
I do wonder how often posters who complain about MN go on Twitter, for example, and tweet to all the men posting death and rape threats, and tell them off for being abusive. Or go on Tattle, and start a thread saying stop being so mean to women whose only crime is using the internet to earn an income. Or go on the army forum and call posters keyboard warriors. Or pistonheads and call for kindness.
There are many more helpful posters on here than there are abusive ones. Even now with the attacks from MRAs, TRAs and incels - women being helpful are still in the majority. It's also a little hilarious that the MRAs/TRAs/incels think they can't be spotted.

I think this is the sort of comment OP meant. Condescending and superior.

Could I ask you if you've read my subsequent posts? I think you might have seen that comment and responded without looking at how the thread developed.

Apologies, just seen your update.

And the grownups keep taking the bait over and over and over and over

I agree. There's a huge amount of nastiness from some posters.

I also find the poster who responds to loads of threads with just '' very annoying. Normally they're in the first handful of replies. It's like they constantly refresh the active threads page looking for opportunities to do it.

I reckon there’s a lot of women-hating men on here just hanging around to be nasty.

Fair few women hating women too.

Thank you.

How ironic that people agreeing with the OP are calling posters, bitches, cunts and twats.

@PoundShopPrincess
It's also a little hilarious that the MRAs/TRAs/incels think they can't be spotted.

They objectively cannot be spotted. I’ve been called the above more times than I can count and I am none of the above. It’s just another form of troll hunting, and should be banned imho. Those insults are trotted out for any woman who doesn’t agree with the echo chamber.

This There's also a trend from MRAs/TRAs to deliberately start nasty threads and post abusive comments so they can screenshot them and pretend they show what MN is like. and this Even now with the attacks from MRAs, TRAs and incels are a bit conspiracy theory sounding and frankly do not excuse the attacks I’ve seen and occasionally been the target of on MN.

I have often though that building in an affirmative cooling off timer of even five minutes would dramatically increase the civility of most forums.

Something along the lines of a person typing in their reply and posting it, but it does not go live for five minutes, and then after a five-minute timer, they have to actually hit the post button again. So time to reflect on what they said, and then having to actively affirm what they said originally.

Unfortunately, I think any forums or platforms that did something like that would quickly dry up as users went to other platforms that did not have something like that in place, because for a lot of people, social media and forum warrioring is their hobby.

It is a hobby with basically zero cost of entry. It does not require any special equipment, does not require any special skill, is drop in drop out, can participate for however long or short, at any time of the day. Does not require travel, not weather dependent.

I do wonder how often posters who complain about MN go on Twitter, for example, and tweet to all the men posting death and rape threats, and tell them off for being abusive. Or go on Tattle, and start a thread saying stop being so mean to women whose only crime is using the internet to earn an income. Or go on the army forum and call posters keyboard warriors. Or pistonheads and call for kindness.

Well I don't because that would be silly and would be just like what we're complaining about people doing here - popping up on an unfamiliar forum to make trouble. That's not at all equivalent to talking about/hoping to improve a forum that you already frequent.

That's a bit like saying if you think your local town needs improvement and want to discuss it, you should also go five towns over and berate them over their litter.

I agree with PP though that the overwhelming quality of MN is helpfulness. And one reason I read this thread was to see what things make other people feel shit so I can endeavour not to do them!

There are certainly some who jump on any chance to show their superiority.

There's a poster who posts a lot and has the "oh that's just them, they say it how it is..." air from a lot of people, but I've always remembered them posting "I'm confused, where did you bring your house?" on a thread from a woman who had been assaulted by her partner the night before and was in a terrible state because they'd recently bought a house and everything was in his name. She said "We brought a house" but the rest of the post made it very, very, very clear what was meant.

Even MNHQ said that some posters are 'just' more robust than others when it was reported.

I’m not a keyboard warrior and I’m never out and out nasty but I’m defo more truthful on here because I feel the anonymity removes the judgment if someone grossly disagrees with me

Of course, they can be spotted easily. They always think they're the first group to troll women but they're just the latest in a long line. All similarly deluded about how difficult they are to spot.
As for the deliberate fake posts that are screenshotted in the two minutes between them being posted and MN deleting them, it has been clearly proven time and again. They're not the sharpest. You can check on Twitter. But then you'd have to be as interested in calling out MRAs as you are in complaining about MNers. Are you?

Of course they do. Welcome to the internet.

I don’t “call out MRAs” (or TRAs or incels) because I know for a fact that you & everyone else cannot spot them with any certainty. I know this because I’ve been wrongly called one a few dozen times on MN, when I am not an MRA.

And as for complaining about MNs, you’re on this thread complaining right along with me. You just seem to be unaware that you are not perfect and don’t seem to even want to acknowledge that your and others wrongful name calling of posters on MN hurt real women on MN. It’s just as toxic as calling someone a troll and should be banned as a type of troll hunting.

Ugh, that’s terrible. The worst of mumsnet.