To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

If everyone eise in your family is genuinely this selfish and would rather let Gran starve, then you have no choice but to deliver her dinner.

But i’d first try sending a group message to the family and be assertive and crystal clear its someone else's turn, someone will have to budge.

or you cook dinner so your husband can drop it off. There are plenty of options, you don’t need to be resentful about this. Your poor Gran is the one i feel sorry for.

@amispeakingintongues OP’s dad needs to sort this, not OP. Her dad does hint to her about his mum so it is on his radar.

I think once OP tells him she can’t do it, her dad will be forced to step up.

I think you need to be the bigger person here OP so that Gran feels loved. It’s her you will hurt not your parents. I can see why you feel aggrieved though and half an hour each way plus a chat with Gran is not insignificant time wise.

It seems a bit odd that all your family live in small properties, with small rooms - even Gran herself - can nobody accommodate Gran for a couple of hours for xmas dinner, just squeeze 1 extra person at their table for 4, or in your parent's case table for 2?

They could but as Op’s posts have said, they’re not eating at home and haven’t considered it. Cause she always does it.

Is ONE extra portion so much to ask? Hardly worth sweating over. Why not ask your parents to pay for a Christmas ready meal from M&S which your gran could put in the microwave. She can surely do that. There are microwavable puddings too so no excuse.
You could send your husband to deliver to grans house while you finish cooking at home with the children. I can't see how having a child with special educational needs has anything to do with you catering for one extra portion of Christmas dinner.

@LoisLane66 wouldn’t it make sense for the gran’s actual son to sort his mum’s meal out?

Why would OP get money from her dad for an M&S meal and take it to her gran, when gran’s actual son could buy the meal and take it to his mum?

Poor gran. She's on her own and you can't be arsed to feed her once a year. Why not have her to your house? It's not forever and when she's gone. You will be sorry. Feed the poor lady with a smile on your face once a year...

Is it really that hard to read Ops posts before replying? I don’t mind that you’ve repeated other suggestions that have been addressed, it’s more the guilt trip you decided to pour all over it without any due diligence.

Maybe she won’t be sorry, maybe the stress of her life causes her to die earlier than dear poor old gran, maybe she would like one year, (just one) where it’s just her and her family no ducking out and Maybe gran’s actual children who appear to be alive and well would be able to cater to her. Can she not have one?

Entitled to my opinion, which was asked. I didn't ask for yours so please butt out and mind your own. The whats, ifs, and maybes you mention are glaringly obvious. However that wasn't the question the OP asked.

@Dotcomma not everyone lives in naice 4 bed semi suburbia! Lots of families live in flats especially in inner cities, or terraced houses. I live in a decent size terrace but it has small rooms and we don’t have a dining table, just a breakfast bar. We don’t have a bath either ! It was built in 1700s , most houses round here were, and aren’t set up for big open plan family dining. Not hard to imagine really. And maybe OP’s family members could accommodate gran - I think that’s the whole point of the OP; they’re not offering to do it’s falling to her !

If u read all the thread she on her knees with her own life . It’s not so much grans meal but the fact that all the rest of her family have decided that the meal is her responsibility. If the Granddaughter hadn’t done it all these years what would they have done. As a grandparent I’d ask all the others for a meal and recognise my granddaughter has enough going on . It’s always the nice , helpful ones that get slated. Gran won’t be on her own all day like thousands are. She has family around her.

A lot of areas have a bulk frozen ready meal delivery now.

Oops this was in reply to the meals on wheels reply!

Giving your opinion when you haven’t read OPs posts are meaningless. Getting a dig in with faux concern for dear gran is just shite. I do not need your permission to tell you that.

I get that this is a shot in the dark, given that we dont actually have much info, but maybe the parents feel, well they look after and cook for Gran every other day of the year....this is their one chance to get away and do something nice - the posh dinner OP is so sneery of - together? Hence the stream of relatives in to visit Gran and OP to cook and deliver Christmas dinner?? Maybe if we heard from the parents, the story would go something like....we do everything for Gran and we love her to bits....we only ask for the extended family to step in and help once a year, and already theyre moaning and saying its too much effrt.....??

You still banging on and trying to make an irrelevant post... won't reply to you anymore. Go troll someone else.

@Lobelia123 that might be so although OP has stated she does the running around for her gran with dr appointments etc. But you could be right. The whole family may feel they do enough in some way and don’t know what Op is going through now. Op hasn’t said she doesn’t ever want to do it again. She only spoke about this year because of her load.

Why not show ur parents this thread , say hopefully papers won’t pick story up as a Xmas edition.

@Faultymain5 I actually do have some sympathy for the OP - its been a long year and everyone feels stretched very thin. Theres no point in moaning and feeling put upon - hints just dont work and its no use bottling everything up until the simmering resentment boils over and theres a raging argument and Grans feelings get hurt - you cant take that back. Maybe its time for everyone to be grown ups, get together and say right - whats happening with Christmas this year - this is what I can do - what are you going to do? And do it sooner rather than later. We have the same dance of resentment and people feeling taken advantage of and stressed out over christmas in our family - its exhausting. Best thing is to speak up, but its amazing how many otherwise rational family members actively avoid the conversation....its like, if we leave it for logn enough, it will end up being too late and X and Y will just manage it all like they do every year...!

You’re assuming she’s able to source and heat a chilled meal. And who wants a bloody ready meal on Christmas Day? If she lived near me I’d take her a dinner with pleasure. Bloody hell it’s not much to ask to have a Christmas dinner.

I can’t get over how unkind some people are on here. Op has said she is feeling low this year. A little bit of sympathy for her wouldn’t go amiss. She clearly cares about Gran and sounds like the only one in her family who does make an effort. I don’t think an hours round trip is nothing, nor is having to leave your own family and being unable to relax, so no need to make her feel mean and guilty. If the meal was cooked earlier it would cut into present opening etc time and her family would have a warmed up meal for their efforts. The whole family need to find a solution and take the pressure off you, Zygon. Supposing you were incapacitated ( God forbid), what would they do then? They are taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. As for saying ‘thank you’, yes they jolly well should. It is no small thing that you do, absolving them of all responsibility. I personally think the parents ought to be taking her out with them. Much nicer than her eating on her own and she would probably love a change of scene. Other than that, say you are happy to still cook the meal but someone else needs to sort out the delivery.

Wow I'm surprised at these reactions of , why can't you keep slaving away for other people with no regard for the effort you make!
No, the OP has specifically said she needs help now with her own life. She wants to turn her attention onto her for once. Perimenoupause is not a bloody joke. I'm fed up with this old timey Women's attitude to other women to buckle up and keep on slaving for ungrateful people without being acknowledged. She only wants a little tiny bit of appreciation and thanked and maybe god forbid, her parents for once, said to her, hey love you've cooked for her every year. Why don't you take time off this year. We've got uou.
Or! Hey thanks love for all you do. Are you happy to do it again this year or do you want us to have a go!?
For all those who say, what's the big deal, why can't you do it? Stop trying to make everyone a martyr. Go deal with your own martyred life.

Agree @Faultymain5 its not hard to keep up by reading all Op’s posts 🙈

Well said @Faultymain5