To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

You've set a precedent by doing it several times so it's hard to break. Just say you're not available this year and you don't want to drive anywhere and your mum and the other children will have to think of a solution. Your mum could always get a M&S ready Xmas dinner and leave it for Gran to heat up or take her mum to join their meal out. Your parents sound very selfish, tbh. I bet alot of the ones here who are making remarks don't even cook Xmas dinner and go to their parents every year...so don't really understand. I knew a woman of 57 who never cooked and expected her elderly mother to do it all!! It's difficult if you're naturally very kind and people will always take advantage of that x

Thats a point. If she's near me I'll also collect her and cook for her. Or deliver a meal and spend a bit of time with her. I understand the OP is struggling and that's hard for her. But the question was regarding lunch for gran. I don't personally do Xmas Dinner as I live alone. But would if needed. I also looked after my mother who had dementia 24/7 for 4 years as my brother worked full time.

I also have a disability and medical issues. So I do understand how hard things can get.

Just tell your parents you're happy to cook gran's meal but need someone to deliver it. They can either do it, get someone else to or pay for a taxi. Or agree to do it alternate years with parents doing other year.

Madamum18 no, not directed at you. I answered your question then talked about the thread in general.

What care responsibilities do your parents have for gran throughout the year? You say she hasn’t turned her oven on in years so how is that facilitated? Do your parents usually cook for her most days? Is Christmas Day the only day of the year you do it for her or do you have care responsibilities for her throughout the year that your parents also shirk?
I feel like you’re missing out a lot of detail and dismissive of any suggestion other than the obvious “don’t bother then”

OK thanks Armwrestling I was a bit confused by it when I read it but cleay misunderstood.

When I first read your post I thought YABU. Having read all your comments, that it’s half an hour each way when your family are ready to have lunch, no one else ever offers, etc I definitely think YANBU. It’s selfish that no one asks you if it’s still okay or offers to do it. It sounds like they want to have their ideal Christmas but are not bothered whether you or your gran do. I think I’d ask if someone else can help her this year. If they refuse I’d say you’ll do it because you couldn’t see your gran go without, then why not plate up her portion once it’s cooked, have your lunch slightly earlier and then all 4 of you visit her, heat it up for her while you’re there and spend some time with her. I’m sure she’d love that and her appreciation would mean more to you than your parents. Maybe if you’ve raised it this year they will think more carefully about it next year.

Yes, because nothing says Christmas like spending the day with a stranger off the internet. Why on earth would she want to do that, just because she’s old?

And she doesn’t spend the day alone anyway; the family staggers visits throughout the day.

It wouldn’t be easier, because she can’t get up the stairs to the OP’s toilet.

Either stop doing it or stop complaining.

Can she not vent? She’ll probably end up doing it again. But her family are selfish, why can’t she get it off her chest.

The love of her gran isn’t the issue. It’s the fact she’s mentally struggling has a sen child and not room or toilet to accommodate gran . This role has fell to her and she’s done it willingly before. This year she needs some self care . Gran has lots of other family that need to step up . All year she takes her to appointments so she is a carer to gran . She needs support on here not slating .carers need care as well.

@Cactusmad Totally agree with you there!! As a full time carer myself I know how exhausting it is both mentally, emotionally and physically! It's about time other members of the OP step up!
I can't believe the amount of people on here who have, like you say, slated her. They don't see the bigger picture that's it's nothing to do with loving her Gran, but her own mental health. No wonder we have such a MH crisis!

@Cactusmad *family

It’s an hour out of her day to make her gran feel loved.
It’s either worth it or not to her. This back and forth is silly because all it boils down to is, is gran worth a hour out of her day on Christmas Day?

Maybe OPs gran should feel loved by OP because she already does all these other tasks for her ?
It's not just an hour is it ? It's an hour's return drive and then whatever time OP spends there.
If there was nobody else who could do it, then sure tell her to pull her big girl pants on. But there seem to be loads of other people who could easily do a bit more this year.

Let the other family members take that hour out of their day . She’s having family visiting . Bigger picture is she’s done in .

Isn't how many women end up doing everything? Oh this only takes an hour, oh that only takes an hour.

Meanwhile the gran's actual son has to do fuck all.

But that’s irrelevant really isn’t it?
It’s irrelevant what other people are or aren’t doing.
All it boils down to is, does OP value her gran enough to take an hour out of her day to drop off her Christmas dinner and have a bit of time with her? If not, and you’re just going to resent it, then don’t do it (just like the son has decided to do). Op is entitled to make the same decision as her dad has.

Oh come on, calling the OP a carer for her gran is absolutely ridiculous. She's taken her for a few appointments over "years." She spends an hour on Christmas Day taking a meal over. Everybody else in the family also visits during the day. She isn't some put-upon Cindarella who never gets a moment's break from keeping her gran alive.

Id6 say no, you don't have to make her dinner, if your not up to it and you have always done one every year, then it wouldn't hurt for someone else to do it this year. If you had broken your leg they wouldn't expect you to do it, just because your mental health can be seen doesn't make it any less valid.

If they are really that concerned about her having a dinner they can arrange for one to be delivered, cook one themselves or better yet that her with them when they go out for one. There are lots of options.

Quite. If all I’d had to do for my folks was drive them about a bit it would have been a walk in the park.

Why is it irrelevant? What is about the concept of turns that people dislike so much?

OP’s dad does hint to OP about the meal, so it’s very likely that when OP tells him she can’t this year then her dad will make other arrangements.

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime It will be more than an hour out of her day plus it is not what it boils down to. The comment about whether doing it is 'worth it or not to her,' doesn't help people who are struggling mentally as that can come across as emotional blackmail.

Surely you could all go and deliver the dinner so Gran gets to see the kids too?

I can see your point but honestly I'd give a lot to have a Christmas dinner with either one of my Grans again.

Is Gran grateful and does she say thanks?