To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

@Faultymain5 - well said. I'm appalled by the number of people on here are weighing in with their opinions and having a go at OP when they haven't even read the OPs first post, never mind her other posts 🙄

I would invite Gran to yours tbh. Then whoever would ordinarily be driving over to visit her in the day could collect her from yours and drive her back and spend some time with her in her house.
If I were your Gran, I would really appreciate the time spent in company on Christmas Day (I’m not trying to guilt trip you into this btw). There’s a danger that this becomes an annual precedent though and also people need to understand that they’re driving her back from yours to hers. This might work out best all round. Just my suggestion

@newtoallthisshizzle the gran can’t get up the stairs to the toilet at OP’s house x

Following on from my suggestion, why can’t one of the family take her out on Xmas day too?
You could either
a) state clearly that you won’t be doing this this year so someone else has to
b) invite gran over for Xmas day meal on the basis that someone else collects and takes her home (that way you can enjoy a glass at lunch)
c) say you’ve booked Xmas day out this year (if that’s feasible)

Separately, getting thanks just isn’t gonna happen so you’ll need to park that one and not give any more thought or rent space in your head to it. That way lies madness…..

Ah, thanks!

Ah thanks, I hadn’t read that post x

The OP has helped over the years and even has to leave her own family dinner to deliver her gran’s meal (that she has bought ingredients for, cooked, fuel costs and family emotional cost), whilst the gran’s own children and other family are eating out having xmas lunch at a restaurant. Could the restaurant plate up a Christmas dinner that the family, who go to the restaurant, could pay for and then take round. The family could provide the food containers and insulated bag if the restaurant doesn’t have these.

could youre gran not go with them

So your partner is doing the cooking....anyone thank him? and you deliver....but you dont wish to....tell Gran the truth...its too much trouble.

@Lobelia123 I agrée half the issue is the suffering in silence causing the build up of resentment.

OP I sympathise and I think you are getting a hard time on here.

I've only read the first 7 pages so I'm sorry if I've lost the drift of the discussion.

People (yesterday anyway) seemed to be missing the point; you are being leaned on to facilitate everyone else having the perfect Christmas Day, not just once, but every year. Your gran is your (dad's/mum's) first responsibility. You've got your own family and children to prioritise. What if you announced you were all going out to a restaurant?

PPs are picking on you because plating up a meal and driving it to someone doesn't sound too much - but it's Christmas Day (I know how much that would put me out if we were all trying to get Christmas Dinner co-ordinated). I'd rather have an extra guest than have to get into the car and drive an hour round-trip - and let's face it, you couldn't just throw it at your gran and run - it would work out being much more than an hour. I appreciate, from reading your post, that inviting her over isn't an option due to her mobility issues.

The baddies here, it seems to me, are your parents first and then your siblings for not taking turns. But I really think your parents should have arranged their meal out either to include your gran, or to give them time to drop her meal off first (old people often prefer to eat earlier in my experience).

It's really unfair, but my advice would be: grin and bear it this year (or you'll feel awful) but put your foot down big-time for next year AND TELL THEM NOW. I think your parents need telling that their mum (sorry - don't know whose) is THEIR reponsibility - you've got your own family. They need to take this on board from the afternoon of Christmas Day...plenty of warning.

Yes, I feel sorry for you gran - but I'm not blaming you, OP - you're the only one who's actually doing anything for her!

Where do you get ‘immediately after eating’ from? OP says she goes before eating, while her DH is finishing cooking.

Doesn’t sound like it’s the practicalities, which don’t sound too bad, as much as being taken for granted. I’d be very tempted to say your family aren’t cooking this year, and to see what ideas people come up with.

This

You're right to feel pissed off OP. Anyone else can do it this year.
Give them warning now so there are no excuses!

I think you need to be direct and honest. I can provide the food (assuming DH is happy to do so. However this year I really can’t take the couple of hours to deliver it. I need one of you to step up and do the delivery or take her out or do the whole thing. Please let me know asap what you want to f
do.

Tell your DF to order a Xmas dinner from the restaurant he is going to and then drop it off at his mother’s house, maybe he could spend some time with her too.
You need to protect your own mental health.

I would tell your family that they must take turns to provide a christmas dinner for Gran, you must be allowed to have one day of the year for yourself and your family, perhaps if your parents don't want to cook a Christmas dinner then they could take Gran on their special dinner. Please ignore the silly comments from others that are trying to make you feel guilty, in my family we all take turns to to look after our shared grandparents.

Nothing in my post suggested what you describe. I was simply saying that if she WANTS to give her a nice meal (whoever cooked it|) then the parents lack of help is irrelevant! BUT if she actually doesn't want to do it, then the whole thing needs discussing openly with all the family to sort out a solution that everyone can manage rather than it is landing on the OPs shoulders alone.

Other posters may or may not have suggested what you say, I did not!!

Why do you think it’s OP’s job to leave her house on Christmas Day every year to deliver the food rather than her gran’s own son delivering food to his own mum?

Is it because the dad has a dick? I think it might be.

I honestly feel for your Gran not one of you seem to care that she is literally getting a plate of dinner delivered Christmas day. I mean why don't you bring her over to spend Christmas with the family never mind worrying about who can be and can't be bothered to cook for her or tell us where you live if she is close by I'll happily come and collect her for Christmas dinner and let her experience a real family meal. If you aren't close then I'm sure another Mumsnetter on here wouldn't see someone spend Christmas alone. As for mam and dad thanking you. I agree they are shit for not considering her themselves as well as her other daughter but you don't need their thanks she is YOUR GRANDMOTHER your love and care should come naturally. What has this world come too when all that bothers someone at Christmas is who is going to make a meal and deliver it to an elderly woman who frankly shouldn't be home alone at Christmas as it is.

can't be bothered to cook for her or tell us where you live if she is close by I'll happily come and collect her
talking of bothering why didn’t you bother to read the thread?

I'm not sure if that is directed at me as Arm-wrestling was commenting on my previous post.

If it was directed at me then all I can say is that nothing I have said suggests that I think it is the OPs job etc etc. My suggestion was simply for her to think about the reasons the system is in place ...because she wants to do it/used to want to do it or because she is strong armed into it. Maybe originally, she wanted to do it, but the selfishness and being taken for granted by her family have changed her feelings. I don't know!! If it was me, I would be getting the family members together, telling them how I feel and getting agreement on a way forward that ensured Gran was OK but also ensured that I did not feel put upon etc etc

Wow, I feel sorry for your poor Gran. Why doesn’t she get invited out with her children for Christmas dinner? And wouldn’t it be easier for her to come to yours for Christmas rather than sit and eat a plate of dinner begrudgingly made for her, on her own?

@Madamum18 it was directed at @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

I agree with you

The nesting quotes can get confusing

Thanks *HuggsBosom (love the name BTW), I wasn't sure. :)
😊

I feel so sorry for the Gran, she seems like an after thought for everyone. Imagine everyone going out and having their "just us" Christmas Dinner and no one wants her there.
OP it's not unreasonable for you to want someone else to carry some of the responsibility.