To not offer to do it this year

[Zygon]

Hi. So for the last few years at Christmas I’ve cooked extra food and plated up a meal for my Gran (dad’s mum) It’s not been a big issue and I’ve been happy to do it but I don’t even get as so much as a thank you off my parents. Just to emphasise my parents never make Christmas lunch and instead go out for a big fancy meal every year. My Gran’s other daughter doesn’t offer to cook so if I don’t cook for my Gran who will. Bearing in mind I have 2dc one of whom
has SEN. I have to leave them with my husband, whilst he’s finishing off our dinner, to drive over to my Gran’s. Like I said in previous years it hasn’t been a problem but this year I’ve struggled with my mental health and due to peri menopause i feel mentally and physically drained. I don’t want to have to go out out on Christmas day. My parents usually drop hints about cooking for my Gran and then I end up caving saying I’ll do it but this last year I’ve had a lot to cope with and I’m of the mindset of I just don’t see why they can’t cook for my her. AIBU to feel that they shouldn’t be off swanning out for a meal whilst expecting me to cook for their mum/mother in law?

As Op mentioned earlier in the thread, OP is the go to person for those tasks.

The Op has stated upthread, that she can’t. She gave various reasons that weren’t good enough for many on mn. But there it is. Also no one seems to ask Gran what she wants to do. That’s the most hateful part about getting older. Maybe she doesn’t want to see people on Christmas Day. Who knows

It’s not your responsibility. It’s not your parents either tbh. If your gran lives independently she could get a good Christmas dinner from meals on wheels or get a fresh ready meal. She has company that’s the main thing

Meals on Wheels bit the dust 20 odd years ago. Yes, she’s got company so why could she possibly want a Christmas dinner. How greedy.

Poor Gran :( Have her at yours maybe?

@OverTheRubicon
Spot on. This whole thread is utterly depressing. The cult of the self centered. Poor bloody Gran.

Wiltshire farm foods or one of the other many suppliers then 🙄Loads of extra places provide Christmas meals for the elderly too. It’s not up to a relative to cook and hand deliver to her every year, especially not when struggling with their health.

I just wanted to step in and say how awful I feel some of the comments here are. I completely understand where you are coming from and am in a similar situation with parents/grandparents and having to do more share than their three children. I suck it up and get on with it because of my love for my grandparent, but you're entitled to put yourself first for once if you are struggling. I would say to them you're happy to cook it but they will have to arrange to have a family member drop it this year. Say its a non-negotiable.. people carrying on letting you as they know you will.... I hope you feel better soon xx

@Blossomtoes the gov.uk has a postcode finder to find your local ‘meals on wheels’ provider?

You say that granny has a stream of family visitors throughout the day. But none of them are eating with her (otherwise why would you be providing food), so they must be having food at home. And a lot of Christmas Day is usually taken up by food. So Granny spends the vast majority of Christmas Day alone, doesn't she? And eats her meals on Christmas Day alone - do you stay to microwave the plated food, or do you leave it on her doorstep like a Tesco delivery?

It's so strange that everyone in your family (including you) just seem to be OK with this, especially for a granny you claim to love to spend time with. I can't think of any other families I know that would be OK with leaving her like this.

If you can get someone else in the family to do it, then yes, it would be fair to give you a break from the going out. However, you say everyone visits gran in staggered visits, so would you still visit? If someone else won’t do it then yes YABU because the person who would suffer from that decision would be a fragile old women. Is it possible for you all to have lunch, then visit her as a family and reheat her lunch?

Jesus christ I'm aghast at this thread. It's hardly a biggie is it. To your Gran it probably means the world.

Let's break this down & see it in context.

Gran has a married son & daughter - how old are both couples?

How many grandchildren does she have? How old are they?

How far away from Gran does each other household live?

It sounds like every other member of the family is happy for you to continue doing the Xmas day cooking & meal delivery to gran - why wouldn't they be!

What do all the other households do on xmas day (besides your mum & dad who go out for a meal ?every year)?

How old are your children?

OP I am absolutely gobsmacked at the backlash you’ve received. Over the years you have gone out of your way to ensure your Gran has been catered for on Xmas day whilst the rest of her family are free to do as they choose. This year you are feeling not great, have kids to think of and also have to leave your home & kids on Xmas day to deliver food to your gran yet for some nutters on here you are not doing enough while the rest of your family can do as they please. I have been in this situation and I can tell you now the more you let others take advantage the more they will. Why is your gran more your responsibility than her own child? Why do they get to swan off out while you are expected to clean up the mess. No is a full sentence. Explain you are not able to step in this year so someone else needs to and for all the people giving you grief ignore them. If your health is suffering you can care for no one…. Your gran, your kids etc. I hope you have a fabulous stress free Christmas xx

Isn't there just🙄

As someone who has recently lost her last grandparent in the last few months this is a hard post to read. I would give anything to be able to drop my grandad Xmas dinner off 1 last time. You never know when it will be the last Xmas with them.

As someone single with no children I often worry about what my old age will be like when I’m left alone at Xmas and have no family around. But based on this, having a family wouldn’t guarantee it would be any different!
My Grandma died in May so we're in need of a spare Granny to look after at Xmas, send her our way and we’ll make sure she’s fed and has company.

I think most people aren’t getting the point here. It’s not really about you cooking dinner for gran it’s more about you being put upon for all these years. I’m sure you love your gran, but it’s not really fair for you to have to do it every year, disrupting your family Christmas. Why haven’t the other members of the family taken it in turns? Why can’t your parents take her to the restaurant with them ? I think that you should speak to her other children or grandchildren and just say that your not going to be able to do it this year and ask them to arrange something else. Maybe set up a rota for future years. But I do think that you should talk to your gran too and explain that you’re not going to be able to do it this year. Look after yourself and have a lovely Christmas.

I’d love to know how far OPs mental health has to decline before she gets a pass. Some of the messages on this post are disgraceful.

OP give yourself a pass.

It's your parents that are the problem - don't they know how you're struggling? Just tell them you want Xmas Day to yourselves for once.

If you didn't cook Gran's dinner on xmas day this year would you & your family visit her or would you not see her at all?

Honestly, do people not read the OP properly? She's been doing this for the last few years, she says. So over that period of time, however long it is, OP is the ONLY person who has been looking after her gran on Christmas Day. No one else has. So this year she doesn't feel up to it and would like another member of the family to step up – and for this she gets insulted and told she's awful.

Way to go ladies, let's all pile in on the person who has been doing the actual caring and give a free pass to the gran's children, who have been doing Jack. No wonder women so often get lumbered with the caring responsibilities.

@Zygon ignore the unreasonable comments on the thread and look at the voting instead.

This. ⬆️

I’d just do it. For my Gran. Because at least it would mean I got to see her on Christmas Day.

Had assumed she was housebound.. but no she’s fit and well… but not a single one of these “staggered visiting relatives” can be arsed to invite her to dinner.

I used to take my dad’s Christmas dinner to his nursing home when he became housebound. I’m not saint.. but it seriously never occurred to me to mind.. not did it occur to me that it was a problem to leave my children (including hyperactive son with complex needs) with my husband because ..well.. he’s their other parent?! I actually most often took one or more of the kids with me so they could see each Grandad and see him open his presents.

Would then drive my mum home later in the evening. Still do that part actually. It’s just part of Christmas. Sadly not for my dad who we lost in 2011.

With respect, maybe suck it up out of love and respect for your Gran. She won’t be around forever. Then you won’t have to deliver her dinner. 😳

I'm confused about who does the cooking on xmas day - DH or OP. It seems like OP just delivers it? I am really struggling to understand why that is such a hardship.

Why don't you have a chat with your gran and say you're not up to doing her Christmas lunch this year as you're a bit under the weather and the journey is a bit much. You could offer to take her out after Christmas for lunch/tea/cake, if your circumstances allow. I'm a gran and I would hate to be the cause of so much angst. Not that it's likely in my case, as despite getting on a bit, we invariably cook for some of our children and grandchildren on Christmas day and Boxing day!

Every year we offered my mum to come to one of our houses (3 siblings) and she flatly refused to come . We also had to take her a dinner because we couldn't see her having the microwave to turkey dinner she bought herself. She did not want to go to anyone's house.