To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

You know what would've been easier for OP? To send them off to unsuitable schools ,insist they keep attending and let the chips fall where they may. Out of the house ,work in peace etc.

What she is doing is not taking the easy way out. It's giving her kids tome and space to recover from past trauma, try and get in a better place while waiting for better suited provision to start.

You are right to ban your sister, regardless of her reasons her behaviour is awful.

My friends daughter is non verbal and has ASD and she has similar struggles with her brother. He's a teacher in a mainstream school so will work with ND children who are not so limited they can attend a mainstream school. He truly has no concept of the needs of profoundly autistic children - he's full of opinions and ignorance. They are now LC.

It sounds incredibly tough for you all, hopefully going to college results in a massive improvement for your daughter. It might be worth investigating if the college has MH services your daughter can access there too.

I found with school refusing ND teen I almost had to let it all go for a while and now she’s at the point she is wanting to back to school, we are now being reintroduced slowly.
unless you’ve been through it you have been through it, you have no idea.
Pushing a ND child will usually have the opposite effect.

Getting into a good routine for college would be a good idea, but I find once child is on board they are good at doing these things anyway.

I'm surprised you've lasted this long without losing your shit with her

Don't let her in again, your dc need their home to be a safe space. Especially while you work towards them going to collage etc in a few months

So your kids don't get up, don't go to school and you're ok with that? Do they ever do anything like have a shower or change their bed linen? Good luck getting your DD into college with that attitude. How will she cope with coursework etc? Let alone turning up on time for lectures.

How long had this been going on before you sought proper support/medical/psychological intervention?

Your house, family and attitude all sound like a nightmare to be honest. The thermostat in your DD's room is broken? Well fix it then!

I was fuming as house was a tip well, tidy it up! Or ask your kids to help and set them chores. Might help them get out of bed if they have something to do, rather than, 'It's ok to skip school, we'll go for some cake instead'.

Are you expecting your children to live with you forever because you can't be bothered to teach them how to be independent? Being ND has nothing to do with this. Really lazy parenting. Sorry. Where is their Dad in all of this?

The thing that strikes me most, OP, is how huge the pressure on you must be. You have one profoundly autistic child, one with MH issues, you need to earn a living and also arrange/fight for every little thing your children need (and it's clear that they need a lot). That's huge when you have no partner and precious little other support, and the last thing you need is someone swanning in and essentially telling you that if you were just like her, everything would be fine.

Your sister didn't ask what you need, or offer to spend time with your kids, or even listen to how you feel. She berated you and your kids, and caused a lot of extra stress for you. It's easy to blame the one adult who has tried to support these children, is she as disparaging of their absent father?

Obviously, you know that your daughter needs to gradually move towards a sleep routine which is appropriate for college, but I'm sure you are working towards that. I hope that you get a bit of breathing space from January and that things start to look up for you. Nobody does their best when they are totally drained and unsupported, and I can't see any way that you wouldn't feel utterly washed out.

Oh do find something better to do than turn it around and blame the op for something that is not her fault.
there’s always one!

People are creating their own stories here.
The boy is severely autistic, non verbal and will never be independent whatever she does.
The girl has mh issues including attempted suicide due to bullying, the pressure of her brother and likelihood she will have to care for him in future, and it is quite likely she is also autistic given genetics and the late diagnosis of girls.
The ex husband is absent but his family eg sister is supportive.
Provision for both is being provided through the relevant authorities.
Yes an earlier routine phased in over 6 weeks would be useful for college readiness. The girl seems to be OK academically it was the school environment so this should be fine.

The dad can't be bothered with his kids and has a new family. How's that for lazy parenting?

Even if what some PP's are saying was true (it's not, it's just ignorant bullshit) I'd rather have a "failing" child than a dead child.

^ This.

@PontinsBeach - you sound like a great mum, and I just wish your sister was giving you and your children the support you need, in the same way your ex’s sister does.

You have done the right thing in standing up to your sister. She sounds very insensitive and rude, and her treatment of you and your kids was cruel.

I agree. Kids should not be living like this. What future are they going to have? The sisters delivery was wrong but shes obv concerned

You are right to ban her. Its overdue. Your children are startled and frightened by her intimidating them in their own home. In their own rooms. Even removing the cover ad exposing your daughter half naked while she was sleeping.
They are not her children. Its not her house, and you are managing a very difficult situation while holding down a job. Her strategy will make it worse.

As proved on this thread, lots of arseholes have opinions on how to deal with mentally unwell autistic children using tough love, but usually these are from people whove never actually had to live with it.
Fuck her. Shes crossed the line too many times now.

@Chailatteplease I'm entitled to my opinion

@UnshakenNeedsStirring I don't know.

What future do you think a non verbal, autistic kid with other significant needs is going to have?

What could OP actually do to make him into a fully functioning member of society, with a job and everything else?

@NotMyFinestMoment - very apt name!

You are failing your children by allowing them to live like this. I don’t mean, forcing them back to school but not doing anything at all is not good for them. I’m not surprised your sister is frustrated with you.

I'm honestly shocked by how nasty, smug, and ignorant a lot of the responses on here are. Maybe I shouldn't be.

YANBU OP, your sister is awful

I kind of agree. I am completely against bullying, but we have swung too far in the other direction. If you are too soft and soppy with people (not just children, but anyone who is struggling), it can backfire. Sometimes, people need kind, gentle but firm guidance. They need to be told to put their chin up and face the world (in a gentle and compassionate way, let me stress). If they lose, they lose, but at least they went down fighting. We are moving to a society in which everyone is a victim, and in which people seem almost proud to be weak or ill or anxious. They shouldn’t be. And we shouldn’t teach the young to look for excuses, or to exaggerate and focus on their weaknesses. Instead, we should be teaching them to fight their handicaps and to be proud of doing so. No matter what your problems, there is usually something you can do. And fiercely proud, determined people can achieve miracles. They learn to walk again when the doctors told them it was impossible, or they write a great novel after their teachers told them they were talentless, or whatever.

I’m not naive. I know that some kids have a massive advantage. A handsome, clever, insensitive extrovert has a massive head start in life. An anxious, introverted, socially awkward child (like me) is at a disadvantage. But life isn’t fair. Telling the weaker child that he’s a victim, and allowing him to hide under the duvet, seems kind. In reality, it’s cruel. Life is a challenge. And you can either face it or hide away. I would never say to a child “you’ve got to win,” but I would say “you’ve got to try.” Forget competing with others. I’m not talking about keeping up with the Joneses. I’m simply talking about how you approach life. Do you fight or do you wallow? Do you focus on your weaknesses or strengths?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read, I was full of a cold on Friday with the shivers so left the houswork for a day. What, shall I just teach myself how to fix my own central heating? The council are on it but taking a while, I can’t fucking afford to have it done privately. And no, my non-verbal son who has never uttered a word in his life and communicates through clapping and screeching isn’t ever going to be independent so get over it, I had to.

Also, she’s 15 for fucks sake and it’s a special course for kids who’ve had mental health problems where they learn an English and Maths qualification at their own place and then do animal care. Lectures? Jesus christ, there won’t be lectures. I’d hate to live in your simple, black and white world where everybody has to be a robot.

On the sleep thing.

At my worst that particular period of depression and anxiety was caused by a deeply (for me,other people might think it was ridiculous) traumatic event. I relieved that moment(and various scenarios of the aftermath) several times a night through very vivid dreams. When I woke I was right back in that place,with those feelings,the panic. It took ages to come back from it and fall asleep again. It was fucking pointless and I was exhausted. It made my anxiety even worse because I knew they were coming. Oh I got the tough love you must be in school,you must be awake,you can't laze about bullshit. All this did was add even more to my anxiety/depression and only ended up with me so exhausted I was unable to function. How much learning,socialising and healing do you think took place when walking was difficult, standing upright was difficult, motor skills were difficult, even talking was so difficult I developed a stutter? I was barely eating. Walks,chores,routines,being awake ,doing x,y,z was physically painful and exhausting.I self harmed in various ways ,took overdoses and had carious suicidal ideations. Luckily I was too exhausted to implement the ones that would've been successful.

Things only started to get better when I was actually allowed to sleep, yes even until 1 pm. It removed some of the pressure and anxiety around sleeping and the nightmares. I got enough rest that simple functioning was possible and I saw every single thing I was able to do as an achievement and a positive rather than yet another failure. I was functioning and aware enough that I could learn good coping mechanisms and actually put them in place. I could access and engage with the help on offer.It was a long slog but I came out of it and I'm a fully functional adult now with a job,a family,a home. Not particularly successful or a high flyer,but I'm doing ok.If I'd kept doing the awake for the sake of being awake thing so many posters seem to be fond of,I'd be dead.

@JoonT how the fuck do you fight /educate yourself from your brain working at the capacity of a 5 yo child?

Or being non verbal because once again your brain is lacking the capacity for speech?

This 100%