To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

This.
If this is all true you’re seriously letting them down and your sister is the only responsible adult they have.

I'm assuming you believe staying in bed until 1pm is good for a child suffering from depression?

Delete texts unread, use the lock on your door. Don't open it to her. Get some outside support, if you can. Your children do need a more structured routine.

This sounds really positive. You have a medium term plan for your daughter. I wonder if you could arrange a little work experience at a vet or something or that sort before she starts at college. If you can help your son find a similar special area of interest it might spur him on. If however, the commitment of animal care college or whatever else that they have chosen turns out to be too much, you will need to lay down some rules that say very clearly that you are wiling to help them help themselves, but you are not going to support them lying around the house for the rest of their lives. They need to get the skills to become employable and earn their own keep.

Your sister is not being helpful because she doesn't understand. I don't think cutting her out will help, but nor do I think she will change massively. It isn't really terribly surprising that she doesn't understand, as there is a grey area between real mental barriers and laziness. You just need to be really front-footed with her. You tell her that she isn't being helpful; she is being rude and she needs to bite her tongue.

The only mistake that you've made is not standing up for your kids earlier and telling your sister what's going on.
She doesn't understand and will never understand so stop wasting your time explaining everything to her. As you say, even her kids moved far away from her.
Nobody should be barging into other people's home.

I haven't read the full thread but as a SEN parent myself, I suggest you don't post on AIBU - people who aren't in a similar situation don't get it. Secondly, your sister is a horrible bully and even if her heart's in the right place, her methods are awful.

And I say that as someone with a DDis who really struggled hugely with life and I was too involved and bossy. I regret it. It damaged our relationship. I never did anything like your sister though!

Do not see her for a few months and see how you feel and if you get an apology.

Personally I think its a difficult situation. Both children seem mentally unwell. Your sister handled it badly, but her intentions were good. It would be a shame to fall out over this, talk to her about boundaries. If she accepts to leave the children alone, then she can come over.

That must be so hard OP. You are obviously doing your best. Thats all you can do. ASD is such a huge spectrum no 2 ASD people are the same. They used to diognose Aspergers but don't anymore it is just Autism Spectrum Disorder. My son was only diognosed a year or so ago and they said in the past he would be diognosed as having Apspergers which they described as high functioning autism but explained how they don't use the term anymore. My son will get up and go to school but will absolutely refuse to leave the house at weekends as he needs that break away from people and just sits in his room gaming or sleeping. Just tried persuading him to leave the house to see his grandmother for bowling and he refused, which I knew he would but I feel i have to atleast ask. So my weekends are very boring as I sit in on my own. His mental health is OK though so that's all that matters. Wishing you all the best OP.

@redbigbananafeet - if you do truly work with ASD children you'll know they have sleep issues. You'll know there are some solutions, you'll know some schools offer children starting later to help.
So, stop berating people who have real problems, and offer some solutions. If you just want to berate and bully, chose someone who isn't in such a vulnerable position

Apologies for my spelling!

Please don't listen to @redbigbananafeet and listen to @custardbear -

not once have you said what time your children go to bed, so actually getting up at 1pm may well be a sensible time to get up.

I have a ND child and sometimes when he hasn't got to sleep until 7am, 1pm is the only time we can get up!

I think you're doing a great job, being a parent to 2 child with additional needs must be exhausting. Let's try and be kind.

@redbigbananafeet

Since you ask - a degree in Child and Adolescent Mental Health and 3 ND children - ADHD, ADD, comorbidities - anxiety, depression.

So, what do you do in a professional capacity as you're quoting years of career experience? Surely that makes you well placed to know about how 1000's of kids are overlooked, under diagnosed, sent away without help until at rock bottom? Or as a professional you just turn a blind eye to that?

@redbigbananafeet
Or is it easier to just blame the parents?

I dontbsee anything about the daughter being ND? Are the education authorities happy with the current situation? I can't believe they are just ignoring the fact that a 14 year old will be out of education for 6 months

Maybe she should look to her own house and parenting… seems like her kids were so desperate to get away that they actually fled the country! From the sounds of it, I can’t say I blame them.

Also, why is you sister only working part time - “lazy madam” indeed.

Well done for protecting your kids!

Here here @custardbear - @redbigbananafeet has to be one of the least empathetic clinicians I've come across. Assuming they're a clinician. Glad they're not involved in my children's care, I'd be requesting they didn't come within a mile of my kids.

It usually is easier to blame the parents IME as a mother of a child with asd, adhd, tourettes, dyspraxia and very low functioning IQ.

Certainly I have been called a fantasist and a person whose crap parenting has created these issues.

Actually, they are. There are parents who have been able to access EHCP’s because they are medical conditions. Maybe do some research before making ignorant comments.

YANBU, but AIBU is not the place for this thread. I haven't read all the replies as I found many of them too annoying. Lots of people with a similar attitude to your sister. The only thing you've done wrong is allowing her access to your home and your children for so long. You definitely shouldn't let her in.

It seems to be the sad reality of parenting SEND children that so many others - from your own family to strangers on mumsnet - judge you and think they know better than you how to parent your own children. It's bullshit.

Please don't feel you have to justify yourself or defend your children to anyone on here. You and they are doing great.

Do you claim DLA for them? If not maybe look into whether they'd be eligible.

Then you're not paying attention. If they can get away with it and can wash their hands of such children that is their go to.

@redbigbananafeet

I'm assuming you believe staying in bed until 1pm is good for a child suffering from depression?

It depends on the child and the circumstances doesn't it? And if not necessarily good,then a reasonable adjustment.

You seem to think in general and blanket terms about struggling children and trying to fit them into neat little boxes. Life doesn't work that way. I wonder how many children have been failed or lost because of your attitude of "kids with x must do y".

You’ve clearly never had a child who’s suffered so badly from bullying that they’ve self-harmed. Lucky you. I can assure you, when it affects them that badly mentally, you no longer priorities education.

I don't think anyone means the OP has created the situation, just that leaving them in bed gaming or doing a bit of drawing during the day is not preparing them for the future.
If you are honest with yourself OP, is it easier to let them keep unsociable hours so you can work from home uninterrupted? It strikes me that they seem to be getting up just as you finish work.
Also, I would be gradually getting your daughter up earlier as she won't cope with the early starts at college if her body clock is so distorted.
Your sister went about it the wrong way but I can you see what worried her? Your kids are asleep at lunchtime and your house was a mess by your own admission, wouldn't you worry if you saw someone's kids living like that?
As for people saying no wonder the sisters kids live abroad and insinuating it's to get away from her.....give your heads a wobble! They are maybe just successful and had good opportunities in life!

Your children do need to get up and out of bed - they also need to be off screens. If they don’t go to school you need to home school then but you don’t seem able to do that.
i can see why your sister wants to intervene but she does need to get you on board too. I can’t see much future for children that are supported by an inadequate parent to stay in bed. You talk about safeguarding but you’re not doing them any favours by having no discipline or routine.

Pure ignorance