To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

Yes, I have a DS with EOTAS. It being hard doesn’t mean it isn’t possible and people shouldn’t pursue it. Sadly DC whose parents know the system, advocate for them and enforce their rights get better support. It shouldn’t be that way but it is.

Many parents successfully appeal without lawyers. If there isn’t a suitable school there is EOTAS. And if there is a school the parents feel can meet needs but the school say they can’t they can appeal for it unless it is wholly independent, as the the school can be named even if they object.

Unless you have to appeal, which I appreciate many do, some more than once, the EHCP is governed by statutory timescales. If the LA fail to stick to them parents can force them to via judicial review. EHCPs being vague and woolly is a big issue but parents should appeal, which yes takes time, but that poster I was quoting sounded as though they had been in the situation a while and the OP obviously has. And whilst waiting for the appeal the LA still has a statutory duty to provide provision under s.19 of the Education Act that can be enforced via JR.

Our LA don't seem to give a toss about their "duty", purposefully drag everything out as long as possible and through the courts to put parents off. They'd rather spend £ on barristers than on appropriate provision for SEN children.

LAs will drag it out and delay providing provision whenever they are allowed to. Parents shouldn’t have to be, but they need to be on the ball to enforce their rights. It’s the only way to ensure DC get the provision they need and are entitled to. I agree about them spending £££ defending indefensible cases often against unrepresented parents whilst simultaneously claiming they are like they are because they lack funds.

I have 2 DC with EHCPs, 1 of whom has EOTAS. They only have the provision they do because we advocated for them and enforced their rights.

I imagine you're in a different LA to mine.

Here EHCPs are routinely taking 3 times the legal 20 weeks. Regardless of legal process. Judicial review waits are long too.

Funding for promised EOTAS taking 9-12 months - and that's after persuading the LA to actually agree to it AND making various legal threats / actions.

So yes it's quite feasible children will be out of education for a year or more, despite parents' best efforts, legal action, etc.

And of course these parents are most likely to have less time due to their children's demands, be more burnt out, have more difficult relationships with their partners and families due to the wide ranging impact of dealing with SEN bullshit, and quite possibly have less £ as they've either had to quit their job or spend it on what support they can afford.

Not even getting into the fact many of these parents will have SEN themselves or lack the confidence to take on legal action etc.

I agree with everything you have said, but there are processes to challenge the LA and enforce provision even if it takes time. I didn’t say JR didn’t take time, but it is quicker than SENDIST. Not informing parents of those routes and pretending provision can’t be secured isn’t helpful as then parents don’t know about what can be secured and how to go about it. For example, many parents don’t realise therapies can be in EHCPs unless another parent tells them. The OP’s DD has been struggling since Y7, there has been time to secure provision during that time - and no, that’s not a judgement on the OP.

My DS’s didn’t get their provision easily. We had to fight for it - SENDIST (although LA conceded the first time, we have another appeal pending with a hearing next year for more HLTA hours for the second adult the LA require to be present) JR and LGO.

Yes but you do realise staff are limited? They do not exist to provide even provision in current ehcp's. So it's all very well it being the law blah blah but there are nowhere near enough qualified SALTs, Ed psych and therapists to meet that law.
So LAs don't give them out easily, parents with the cognitive resources to challenge this and fight for years get what is available and those with low cognitive ability, mh struggles and possibly autism themselves do not and cannot, and will be left.

If the LA cannot provide the provision in house they must omission independent provision even if that means paying more than they would like. And, yes, independent provision is under pressure, but that’s not a reason not to pursue and enforce it.

So LAs don't give them out easily, parents with the cognitive resources to challenge this and fight for years get what is available and those with low cognitive ability, mh struggles and possibly autism themselves do not and cannot, and will be left.

I haven’t said otherwise. In fact more than once I have said those whose parents can advocate for them and enforce their rights get better provision and that it shouldn’t be that way.

The op does not mention her dd as having any special needs.she says she didn't want to go to school because she had anxiety after being bullied.she doesn't need a special school.

OP does say DD has SEN, MH difficulties are a form of SEN.

You can’t possible know OP’s DD doesn’t require SS or EOTAS. Some DC with anxiety and depression do require SS or EOTAS.

The fact OP’s DD is unable to attend school shows she need medical needs tuition.

Anxiety is a special Educational need if it stops you accessing your education.

I had similar issue with a family member who didn't understand what my son needed (low demand parenting) and kept undermining my parenting because they couldn't understand my approach and why would I not do the old school do as I say 1960s technique. My son hated this relative visiting and it would make him hugely anxious. In the end we went low Contact and thankfully covid helped. Stick to your guns, your sister has no empathy and although she may think she is being helpful is actually being anything but. I felt so sorry for your daughter reading your post. Perhaps once the dust has settled you could talk to your sister and explain that she is not helping and she needs to respect your parenting as they are your kids not hers and you know best.

That's no reason not to push for it. In fact there is likely to be rather less of a fight for a severely autistic child, because it tends to be beyond argument that a mainstream placement won't work.

There is no need for an EHCP to take over a year. The statutory deadline is 20 weeks from the date the local authority received the original request for an assessment, and the exceptions to that are very limited. If LAs don't meet the deadlines, they can be enforced quite easily via a threat of judicial review.

Here EHCPs are routinely taking 3 times the legal 20 weeks. Regardless of legal process. Judicial review waits are long too.

Funding for promised EOTAS taking 9-12 months - and that's after persuading the LA to actually agree to it AND making various legal threats / actions.

Again, judicial review waits don't take a long time, wherever you are, provided they are dealt with properly. When a local authority hasn't met a deadline, it will usually cave in on receipt of the official pre-action letter, because it won't have any defence and knows that if it doesn't sort matters out it will end up paying the claimant's costs as well as its own. Even if they don't, lawyers can arrange legal aid to start proceedings on an urgent basis and can ask for interim relief if the issue is urgent - and it is generally accepted that a child being out of education or not receiving special educational provision is urgent. Interim relief issues are normally dealt with within a couple of weeks.

One problem with JR is that really it can only be dealt with by lawyers offering legal aid as most actions are taken in the name of the child. That means that a lot of education solicitors never do it because they don't offer legal aid, and I'm afraid that some do spread misinformation, probably unintentionally, and put people off trying.

SOS SEN has some useful information about it - sossen.org.uk/admin/resources/JR-2020.pdf and www.sossen.org.uk/admin/resources/jr-faqs.pdf

And the Code of Practice specifically lists social, emotional and mental health difficulties as an element of special educational needs.

I completely agree. JR does take time in that it isn’t instant, but it is far quicker than the wait for SENDIST.

And even with the long wait for SENDIST that isn’t a reason not to appeal.