To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

DD got referred to CAHM’s after an overdose. Got an appointment 3 months later and was told “I see kids with much worse off problems than you, you have a family that loves you. When you feel anxiety maybe watch Netflix or have a bath.” Ex husband’s sister went in with her as we thought maybe she’d be a good ‘neutral’ party. Then her next appointment was all up in the air because of people’s annual leave etc and she got forgotten about. I certainly can’t afford private.

I’m surprised you lasted this long with your sister to be honest OP. She sounds horrendous. I’d have battered her if she had upset my children the way she has upset yours so to me, you’ve been quite restrained!

I know her type. You can't and never will get through to her, please do stick to your decision to never let her near your kids and home again.

You're doing brilliant. Both of my children (and me, too) are autistic, we all have ADHD. Eldest is inattentive and youngest and I have combined.

Both my kids have had vaeious issues in school and youngest has pnly this September gone bCk but is experiencing awful bullying. Luckily we are moving, but it's her autistic behaviours she's bullied for.

Doing home ed opened my eyes to all the other routes tewnagers can take and your sister is a cunt. Am uninformed cunt.

Your sister sounds horrible. Feel for you there.

I think your family set up sounds concerning. Why/how do you say your son will never work? Can you already assess that from his mental health needs? That seems a very difficult position for a young person to be in and finding ways to motivate him.

I think you did the right thing. Regardless of if you should or shouldn’t be doing something differently with the kids (and it sounds like you have reasonable transition plans in place), her attitude and behaviour is disgraceful. It’s completely unacceptable to go into your daughters bedroom and pull the covers from her, i’d have been furious too. Her attitude is unhelpful to say the least and is bullying.

You will have people saying you need to do x and y but trust yourself and your kids - you sound like a very caring thoughtful mother who is doing her best to navigate a very difficult situation. Your daughter attempted to take her life, you are quite rightly taking a gentle and encouraging approach to her recovery and moving forward with her new course. Don’t let anyone tell you that’s wrong.

I think you need to ask for a referral for an ASD diagnosis for your daughter, her breakdown is text book for an autistic girl. Same happened with my daughter and me.

Your sister sounds very overpowering and I'm glad you've put your foot down, you should have done it years ago! There are a couple of people like her in my family. Always right, can't see things from other's points of view, act like they're perfect, the only correct way is their way, don't respect boundaries... Some autistic people are total arseholes! I could have slipped into a similar mindset if I didn't have much self-awareness and hadn't really worked to counter it.

I just want to say well done for doing the very best you can for your children and telling your ignorant bullying sister to fuck right off.

Your sister is an absolute bully, but she's also right. It's one thing for your kids not to go to school if they don't like it there, and it's great that they have alternative options planned in a few months. However, whatever they are struggling with doesn't make it ok for them to be living the teenage dream: sleeping until noon, playing videogames and having cake.

If they are not going to a school, they need to be homeschooled. This can mean different things to different people, but what they are doing right now is definitely not homeschooling - it's lazing around. Homeschooling is going to be hard, and you might not have the resources to do it by yourself, I get that, but you have to acknowledge that instead of claiming the current situation is ok due to their particular struggles; it really, really isn't, and it's not teaching them how real life works. Depressed, anxious people still have to get things done (as hard as that might be). And people with special needs still need to do things that are of value to them as well as others in order to feel good about themselves (and yes, I'm familiar with SN people) and take pride in what they do.

FWIW, depression and anxiety improve with routine, structure, and positive experiences (such as learning new things about something we're passionate about, acquiring new skills or completing projects).

Also, what's this bullshit about people moving abroad only to be as far away from their horrific parents as possible? I live abroad and get on well with my parents, enjoy spending time with them and think they did a fantastic job, so does my husband. If anything, children moving abroad could be seen as a sign of successful parenting as it means you've given them the tools and the confidence to be courageous and independent and sort things out for themselves.

So what happened when her 2nd CAMHS was cancelled? Did you get it rearranged?
When she was being bullied at school, did you look at other schools?

I wanted to add, though, that well done for setting hard boundaries with your sister and protecting your kids from someone who upsets them this much. What she did was absolutely wrong (I don't think that would have been ok behaviour even with 'healthy' children, what you described is abusive in any circumstances).

Do you have experience of ASD? ... it doesn't sound like it!

Maybe because he's 15 and non verbal with other additional needs?

I think she has decided that her DS will never work because as it clearly says in her opening post that he is non verbal ASD how can he work if he can’t speak.

Your DD is very similar to mine, she tried suicide 3 times this year, it's a cry for help, and thankfully I've had CAMHS and another self harm charity help us.
My DD sleeps late, it's a product of ASD and she's on melatonin which has sone help but isn't amazing. Bad nights I also give her a piriton which works.
Keep your ignorant sister away from your children, you're sorting something out for them and it's just want they need
Ignore dicks with ridiculously Ill informed and frankly dangerous 'advice' - of course it can't remain like this, but you've got things underway and it'll just take a bit of time.
My DD psychiatrist and other professionals said it's better she has a period of time to get into a better place and get a solution to schooling (my DD can't tolerate noise or visual triggers that massively overwhelm her) and slowly we're getting her back to teaching and she's loving doing school work at home with private tutors and will try a few sessions in school, a classroom on her own this week - fingers crossed for you all

A neurotypical world isn't set up for neurodiverse people at all. And if you're not ND, you will never understand that.

You can't fix ND and you certainly can't plaster over it with NT ways of how to do things.

I wish when I was at school, I had the option of going to a smaller class. I've heard of some academies that offer small classes to ND people or people with anxiety Etc. It's a different way of learning.

I think rather than one size fits all, there should be these two options and then we could all thrive.

I wish I had the option* my apologies. Why can't we edit posts?

I think that in her own way, she is trying to help. And you are focusing solely on the negative things she says and does because it suits your narrative, and she is telling you what you don't want to hear.
It must be incredibly tough for you, and I'm sorry. But I do agree that things with your children have been allowed to slide for too long.

But the thing she says and does are negative!

The things she does are specific triggers for the children. She's making their anxiety worse by barging into their rooms,pulling covers off them when they're asleep. She's bullying them and uses derogatory language about them. She compares them negatively to her own children and husband. She's making their safe space unsafe and anxiety inducing. She's not trying to help, she just expects them to behave in the way she wants them to. She expects them to just snap out of it. She thinks and says a non verbal autistic 15 yo is that way because of his mum's failures.

That is not help, that's being an ignorant, controlling, bullying arsehole.

Op you are right to ban your sister. She is a disgrace.

Abd ignore posters who tell you you are not trying hnard enough. Getting any kind of support takes dedication and resoluteness and it is all too easy for people who have additional needs to get fobbed off time and time again. The measures you have put in place already are quite remarkable and would have taken never ending committment on your part. People who do not get how hard that is are fortunate that they are not in a situation where they have to find out. But they should not be berating you for your clear and committed advocacy for your children.

But keep your sister out. She and her behaviour has no place in your life.

@redbigbananafeet How many years have you been coping with ND kids? How much have you struggled to get CAMHS support, appointments, battling wait lists and SEN dept's at school? How many months or years have you spent watching your suicidal kid deteriorate within a system where you have to reach rock bottom before deemed bad enough to get some support?

I await your answer before I bow to your greater judgement.

I have anxiety and depression.

getting out for a walk like you do is very good - it raises the endorphins.
does your DD like dogs? Find my dogs are very helpful with making me get out and giving me lots of love. Not sure if this would be possible for you?

I find audiobooks are a great way of stopping intrusive thoughts. You can go to bed and set on a timer, so you fell asleep listening. This might be something your DD might want to consider.

best wishes.

About 14 years in a professional setting. Yourself?

Yep @iloveorange is on the right track. Your sisters behaviour is awful no matter how well intentioned but your daughter particularly does need so much more routine. At the very least she should be getting up at a reasonable time on week days. Home-schooling would be the best option but even tidying up, reading, helping make lunch etc is better than what is happening now. She needs some structure in her life.

@redbigbananafeet - very clearly not with ND /ASD people .... if you are, do them all a favour and change career!