To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

If they lose, they lose, but at least they went down fighting.

And if that means death? Just collateral damage? Great comfort to the bereaved parents, "at least they went down fighting ".

Fuck me.

@ldontWanna.

Thank you! I can’t believe what people are expecting of my son. 2 minutes with him and they’d know how ridiculous they sound expecting him to attend school and even get a job. I let him play children games and the Animal Crossing games on his computer because it keeps him settled and prevents outbursts and screeching. Then my sister triggers outbursts during visits. He doesn’t benefit from school, it is unnecessary stress for all of us and he was having toiletry accidents at school from the stress of it.

Well done! You did the right thing to protect your kids. Your sister needs telling to back off.

It's not generally called school refusal nowadays, it's called emotionally based school avoidance. It might be helpful to use that term because it's a much more accurate description of what is going on with your children.

Ex doesn’t give a shit. He openly admitted he finds DS ‘unloveable’. He also couldn’t be arsed with DD. 5 years ago when me and DD saw him in public (after a lack of communication from him) he had the nerve to tell my 9yo DD “The phone works both ways” and we haven’t seen him since.

Wow. Some judgy mners. There is NO magic support for families dealing with children with ASD. What support do you actually think there is?

I am a mother of school refusing DC on the spectrum and I think you're making things far to easy for them.

If they're not going school so they're not playing video games.

How will they function as adults.

If anything they need stricter boundaries than the average teenager.

My DS doesn’t have a concept of ‘easy or hard’ or boundaries.

@User135792468 - reading the OP’s posts, I don’t think she is doing nothing to help her kids. It sounds as if it is not going to be a quick process, but if that is what these children need, there’s nothing wrong with it.

It may not look like big improvements, but it is relative, and the progress may well be good for the OP’s children, and that is all that matters. Her sister is measuring the OP’s children against hers, and is judging them harshly as a result, when it would be better is she looked for the little steps forward they are making, and applauded them for it.

And absolutely. Your sister is a disgrace waltzing into a house uninvited and invading the personal space of children, including whisking of blankets she's either abusive (maybe that's why her kids left the country) or dumb as fuck. Either way, definitely don't open the door to her again.

Honestly the life your kids have now is setting them up for failure in the future. Your sister does not sound kind either. But it's a shit situation for them and I would be concerned for the children in your sister's position

This. The scenario that you have allowed to happen is literally a teenagers dream. School refusers should be home educated using the vast resources available not be allowed to sleep half the day away and then play video games all day, before being rewarded with cake and coke.

They're BOTH refusing to go to school and you're allowing them to sleep all day and rewarding them with cake everyday? I'm sorry but whilst your sister has been rude in how she's said things, she's absolutely not wrong. You'll be facing massive fines if you're not careful

A severely disabled autistic child is never going to become a paragon of success is he? Probably the hardest thing OP had to get her head around and eventually accept. No amount of teaching or effort on OP's part will make his brain function in an age related way if it isn't wired that way.

ChristmasisRuined I won’t be facing fucking fines because the council know and are supporting me. Don’t attempt to lecture me on something you don’t know about

OP i know you're getting some support here but maybe you should leave the thread or start another one in the SEN section. The amount of ignorant and vicious posters ,changing the narrative, blaming you and setting up unrealistic goal posts for your children,while reminding you constantly what they'll never be able to do (particularly you DS) can't be good for your own mental health.

Some cake for you too, and a big hug.(screw it)

OP's DS will never be a functional adult because he doesn't function at his chronological age. His brain doesn't function at his chronological age. Do you have a magic wand, because other than that wtf else do you think OP can do about that?

Jesus fucking wept! It was the hand clapping that really clinched it for me @PontinsBeach but you are 1000000% NOT being unreasonable to kick that unbearable twat out of your house.

Throughout your post you give tons of explanation about how your trying and working with school etc to get stuff in place for your kids and it feels like you’re used to having to defend yourself and prove you’re not a bad mum. You’re clearly a fucking great mum and anyone who thinks that banging doors and shaming and intruding is going to snap an autistic kid out of “it” is ignorant at BEST.

You sound so worn down I want to cry for you - I’m sure your sister isn’t a monster but that behaviour is monstrous and you losing it was totally justified.

I hope you get a resolution where you get peace in your head and heart but whatever happens, hold that boundary and keep her away until it’s safe to engage with her.

You need all your mental energy for you, and your kids - not fighting for her approval and understanding. Fuck her off for as long as you need. Sending so much solidarity 💜💜💜

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽@CFLandlordStory

Saw this on FB and needed to come and say ignore all the naysayers- your kids will thank you for being a lovely responsive mum and meeting their needs. I think you sound lovely 😊

Do not let this woman back into your house. And also don't listen to those saying your DC need pushing etc. Anyone who has been in your position as a parent (I have) knows that you are doing exactly what your DC need, fighting for support for them, getting the right educational stuff in place etc, so keep going and don't doubt yourself

I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away.

So you tell her no-you are ill.

Even if not ill you would have been working so again-you tell her no you are working.

That doesn't mean that I agree with what she did btw.

I hope you get the support that you need.

That’s really decides it for me, keep her away from them.

I sometimes think that it is very, very unhelpful to lump all kids diagnosed with ASD into the same spectrum.
My child is in mainstream, verbal and most importantly enjoys school. Another child I know is also verbal and thriving in a special school. I know of an adult living in residential care for over 20 years and he will never work. I could go on. They all have very, very different needs and strengths. Some will go on to work and some won’t.
I personally have no direct experience with any non verbal kids. So apologies if I sound ignorant, but I imagine you have to be extra cautious starting them into a new routine or with new people as they can’t tell you if it’s the change or the person upsetting them.
Some kids on spectrum are never ever going to be independent and some are.

OP you seem to have attracted a hoard of judgemental and ableist wankers who also seem to be deficient in reading comprehension.
What you are putting in place, with the knowledge and support of professionals, is what your children need. It will not look like the life of a NT child or teen as that is not appropriate for them.
Keeping your sister as far away as possible from them is absolutely the way to go. You are doing an amazing job that will, in time, pay dividends.