To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

@PontinsBeach I would seriously get off AIBU right now. You're getting an absolute kicking on top of what you're already going through.
You are not obliged to defend yourself to anyone. Not your sister. And certainly not anyone on here.
Post where people with actual knowledge and experience can respond to you.
You've had some lovely solidarity here but the crowing ignoramuses are just going to make you even more upset.
Get off here. Give your DC and yourself some quiet time to calm down then post for support on the SEN board.

You cannot allow your kids to lie in bed all day and maybe venture out for a walk (rewarded for this with a lovely cake and coffee) or more likely play computer games. Your sis may have been cack handed but she is right, this is no way to live. You maybe very critical of her parenting but I think you sound jealous- her kids seem to be out in the world doing ok.

There’s some middle ground in this. Your sister clearly doesn’t understand your kids needs but equally they need better routines in place. I suspect you find it easier to sleep in and be on their games whilst you work but it’s doing them no favours.
One of the biggest things for mental health is routine and exercise. Get your children up at a set time each day, exercise even in the home, then do some school work from books or online so they’re not missing out. Obviously I don’t know what level your son is at with what he can do. Then after work you go on a dog walk, don’t reward their lack of education with cake and a coffee and go home to teach them something. Even cooking together is teaching them something.
As for the house being a mess, if I’m unwell I expect my 8 & 10 year olds to pick up the slack for a day or 2. They can both dust, wash up, Hoover, tidy up and the 10 year old can cook under supervision.
I suspect you’re worn down by doing it all on your own, I mean who wouldn’t be. But limiting your support network even more isn’t the answer.

despair? You have absolutely no idea of despair until you have a child with mental health issues/SEN and have to deal with an education and health system that isn’t fit for purpose. Educate yourself a bit before you start gaslighting someone that has come on here for support.

I agree. Look up Not Fine In School for a truly supportive network of parents and carers all going through this very same situation. What your doing is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and you need support not a hammering from ignorant people that know nothing.

ODFOD

What the fuck do you think this thread is - the Spanish Inquisition?
Your ignorance would be laughable if you weren't so callous.

@kettrickensmiled
Please can you enlighten me as to why you think I am ignorant (genuine question) I seriously can't believe the education authority do not care that the girl is months out of education? It is destroying her life chances, and her aunt seems to be the only on who cares

No thanks @fUNNYfACE36 - it's not my job to educate you.

You carry on thinking that you - a stranger behind a keyboard - knows better than the educational authorities, CAHMS, DD's school, their caseworkers, MH professionals & diagnostic teams.
It obviously makes you happy.

If you believe for one minute they are happy with the status quo then you are deluded
The girl is receiving no education, you think her school and the education authorities are happy with that?
The mum says the girl went to one camhs appointment and when the second was cancelled, does not appear to have rearranged that.You think the authorities are happy with a parent's failure to seek medical help for their child?
I have a bridge to sell you!

Apart from one Doctor who went on the sick at CAHMS (I believe because he really did care and it made him ill trying to look after everyone), a lot of the others were awful, especially when it comes to autism, they haven’t got a clue! When my daughter got really distressed one day the nurse just laughed at her, and would accuse her of manipulating me. My daughter feels very failed by the education system and Mental Health. We tried so hard to keep her in school, but tbh they really aren’t that bothered. As long as they can tick their little boxes to say they tried they couldn’t give a stuff. All this help people advise you to get help. Most of the time it really isn’t there. Just lots of gaslighting the parents!

All this help people advise you to get help. Most of the time it really isn’t there.

It can be, via an EHCP. An EHCP can open the door to provision, therapies and support not otherwise available, or at a greater frequency than would otherwise typically be available, or for a longer time period, and without the need to sit on normal waiting lists.

If you believe for one minute they are happy with the status quo then you are deluded
The girl is receiving no education, you think her school and the education authorities are happy with that?
The mum says the girl went to one camhs appointment and when the second was cancelled, does not appear to have rearranged that.You think the authorities are happy with a parent's failure to seek medical help for their child?
I have a bridge to sell you!

You have absolutely no idea about what the school is saying @fUNNYfACE36, & given so many PP's have posted with their direct experiences of how schools will happily drop the rope so long as their arses are covered, I'm not sure why you think you know better. You also seem to have forgotten that this child has attempted suicide. But all you are concerned about is acting like an insufferable judgemental knowitall who does not have a single word of empathy or support to offer.

If you had even an inkling of what parents of severely SN kids have to go through to obtain a modicum of support. It is like having another job on top of your career job. If you has any understanding of that, you'd pipe down & piss off.

Not sure what your game is in working SO very hard to pretend that OP isn't seeking help, but you owe her an apology.

The girl is receiving no education, you think her school and the education authorities are happy with that?

They should certainly be unhappy about it, to the extent that they take steps to fulfil their legal duty to provide education otherwise than at school as required for children unable to attend school due to illness, exclusion or otherwise. Unfortunately it looks as if it suits them to look the other way.

First of all, dealing with the actual AIBU question itself, the answer is an emphatic no. However noble her intentions might have been, your sister has gone about things in a terrible way. Reading between the lines, this situation has clearly been boiling up for a while now and possibly you could have prevented it from getting this far by trying to set some boundaries with her beforehand - no dropping in without previous arrangement, no going into the kids' bedrooms unless asked etc. But you are where you are, it's escalated to thepoint where she stresses your kids out and you frankly had no choice at this stage to throw her out really.

Bigger picture- I must confess at first I thought the sane as others that you cannot continue letting your kids live like this, staying in bed until lunchtime, etc. But then I read about how severe your son's autism is. Frankly I don't know what you can actually do with a child that is non verbal. Clearly no form of conventional home schooling is realistic. Probably he should be in a special school with trained teachers who can work on his communication skills through Makaton etc but I'm aware that the availability of special schools varies drastically throughout the country and I have no idea what your local provision is like. So I have no idea what the solution is with him, but I wanted to offer my sympathies to you on that one.

I do agree with the poster who said re your daughter that you are viewing te animal care course as some kind of magical silver bullet, and are treating her too much like her brother. Her needs are clearly very different to his but assuming she is NT, she does realistically need more structure in her life and its going to be too much of a culture shock to go from staying in bed until lunchtime and then going out for cake to being in any kind of formal education setting. Speaking as someone who previously spent three months signed off work with anxiety and depression (so I do get it!), the absolute worst thing for me was isolation and sitting around doing nothing and thus having nothing to distract me from how shit I felt. I also think she could benefit from some space from her brother. You have referred to him screaming and I think also being physical. I feel desperately sorry for both you and your daughter having to deal with that. Are you able to get any assistance from anyone at all to look after your son whilst you do some stuff with just your daughter, ideally with some educational benefits, such as taking her to museums etc. At very least try some low pressure maths and English activities with her at home. Sorry to say it but I think its naive to just pin all your hopes on this new course and sit around waiting for it to happen and expecting it to fix everything....

I think this is a wise post.

There’s plenty of provision that can be provided to non-verbal autistic DC unable to attend school. Provision via EOTAS, at home or otherwise, doesn’t have to be conventional academic tuition. It can be in whatever form meets the pupil’s needs and also include therapies such as SALT and OT.

Haven't read all the replies because some make me furious for you

She sounds a nightmare and yanbu.

And it usually requires a lengthy tribunal to get. Current appeal times are a year!

You and your sister lead completely different lifes and it sends she struggles to understand that you're world's apart.

You should have stopped her from bothering your kids before it got to this stage though.

She can have her opinion, but she needs to keep it to herself, or at least not be going to their rooms and intruding in their private space.

OP haven't RTFT but please ignore those who clearly have never dealt with severe adolescent MH, burnout, and school avoidance issues before... They won't understand.

Your sister won't understand either hence her behaviour.

@fUNNYfACE36 I can assure you many local authorities couldn't care less about kids not receiving any education. Take a look at the local government and social care ombudsman website and the send complaints. Many are about where LAs have failed to fulfil their statutory obligations to provide suitable full time education.

I was replying to the pp posting ”Frankly I don't know what you can actually do with a child that is non verbal. Clearly no form of conventional home schooling is realistic. Probably he should be in a special school with trained teachers”. It not being easy to secure EOTAS via an EHCP is a separate point to not knowing “what you can actually do with a child that is non-verbal”.

While a full EOTAS package via an EHCP often requires a tribunal which takes time the LA still have a duty to provide a suitable, full time education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and anything specified and quantified in section F of the EHCP under s.42 of the CAFA 2014. If they don’t you can force them to via judicial review, which is quicker than waiting for a Tribunal hearing and often the threat or a pre-action letter is enough.

Here it's currently taking over a year to get an EHCP and even after that, they're shit and schools often can't meet the needs.

Not much help really. Sounds like OP however has found somewhere that might actually work and managed to get her DD a place there. Brilliant. Well done OP.

I agree with pp about all this magical support and help the OP should be seeking. What bloody help?! I know of high needs autistic children refused by EVERY school they've applied for, ended up waiting actual years for appropriate support despite chasing it and starting legal action. Only those with £ who can afford lawyers longer term seem to get anywhere.

Do you know how hard it can be to get EOTAS or appropriate Alternative Provision?

They do indeed. That's as rare as hens teeth too. Sorry, I didn't read the full thread, too many irritating answers! We're probably on the same age.

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