"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

@BadGranny

I would say you have probably hit the nail on the head there.

Can you go back? Do you really uproot your lives though? This sounds like a cultural issue to me and some are more family oriented than others. I don't think anyone means it in a bad way but life in UK is very busy it's all work tbh it's just the way it works here! Unless your well off.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this post, @alfreddo82. If you really were, and still are, serious about wanting your children to grow up within a close extended family, then I think you need to pay heed to how much time and effort it took @LondonJax and her sister to get on to that footing. You may feel you've given it plenty of time, but two years isn't a huge amount taken in the context of their entire childhood to come. It would be a shame to look back when they're teenagers and realise that two years was nothing, and that things could be very different if you'd stuck with it. That is, if you were ever that close in the first place and genuinely have something to rebuild, which you haven't really said. I still find it odd tbh that you don't really seem to be talking to your parents about any of this.

I think it's really unhelpful that some posters are making this into some kind of moral issue btw, as though OP's parents are monsters instead of just normal people who happen not to be quite on the same page as their daughter (especially when she doesn't seem to have talked to them about it).

exactly
i cannot believe these posters are actual parents!

I always find it crazy that there is so much vitriol on MN for people who move abroad. That the OP 'deserves' her family to be uninterested because she moved abroad, and the assumption that anyone who moves abroad doesn't care about their family.

OP, I think more recent PPs have been most helpful in saying these things take a while. I've also seen advice that moving back home takes just as long to 'settle into' as moving somewhere new.

My two penny worth on this matter (as an expat myself) is that if your family were close when you were abroad then you can expect similar when you move home. But essentially the relationship will mirror what it did before.

DH and I are very close with our parents. Our parents visit twice a year, we go home once or twice too. We speak on the phone every day or nearly every day. The kids' relationship with their grandparents is different but they are still close (zoom and the extended visits). Our parents would obviously rather we lived in the U.K., but can see we can give our DC a much better life where we are. My dad often tells me we'd be mad to move back.

If that closeness wasn't present when you were abroad and you want it, then it will take time to build up

I always find it crazy that there is so much vitriol on MN for people who move abroad. That the OP 'deserves' her family to be uninterested because she moved abroad, and the assumption that anyone who moeyre just saingves abroad doesn't care about their family.

I haven't seen any vitriol here, just honesty.

Also, nobody has said that OP deserves an uninterested family - just that if you move abroad and choose to live your life thousands of miles away, you can't come home and expect things to just pick up where you left off.

Well it has been over two years, if it hasn't happened now it is not likely to.

Sometimes we build up this romantic idea of being back in the family bosom and how cosy and loving it will be when we live overseas, but if it didn't feel like that before, it is unlikely to feel like that now, or ever. Had you been very close to your family op I am not sure you could have left and moved so far away in the first place. Would it not have felt extremely difficult/impossible? That you would miss them so much, it wouldn't be viable.

I wonder if you were hoping to come home to the kind of family you would love to have, rather than the one in real life with the same issues. I imagine you hoped the children's arrival would shift the dial a little, and somehow you would get the family love and connection you are looking for, but it doesn't seem to be what you had hoped for.

I have been on both sides of the coin. I don't think it is possible to maintain a close relationship in the real sense living thousands of miles away. The detail of daily life, shared experience and being there in good and bad times regularly makes a relationship close, and phones/face time etc is just not the same, and nothing like a substitute for a hug and being in person ~ but it is hard to imagine a parent not welcoming the possibility of having all of their family back home and being so happy to have their young family back in the fold. To me this is just unfathomable, and I am sorry you feel so let down by them op.

No one is saying op should be cast out or posting vitriol to those who move abroad.

Its a fact of life that if you live far away for years, people form lives that don’t include you day to day.

The Ops family didn’t have a life that had slowly included grandkids. They had their own lives. They are seeing the Ops kids just not as often as op would like.

Families that are close and see their grandkids multiple times a week, have developed that over years. It’s not just a family Christmas here and there, it’s all the small things that happen while life is happening.

It is a consequence of living away from family. I live in a different country to the one I was born in, though I moved here when I was a child and I have family here. If I moved back I would expect it to take a long time before my family there became the close ‘see eachother all the time’ type family if ever. It wouldn’t be what I have built here with the friends and family I have here.

Moving abroad can be amazing. But there are natural consequences of doing it. One is that peoples lives move on and fill in the gap of your being there. That’s not as a punishment. It’s just how it happens.

Families that are close and see their grandkids multiple times a week, have developed that over years. It’s not just a family Christmas here and there, it’s all the small things that happen while life is happening.

Yes, this is a really good way of putting it.

As they say, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans".

There's a huge difference between expecting to pick up exactly where you left off immediately, and expecting to see your parents who now live just 20 minutes away for more than a brief visit every couple of months. Would you really not want to try and make more time for your own children and new grandchildren after they'd got back from living overseas, just because you'd got used to them not being around? Some of my best friends and family live or have lived abroad, my parents currently live in this country but six hours away so we only see each other a couple of times a year. Of course the relationships aren't exactly the same as they would be if we lived on the same street, but that doesn't mean I love them any less, or that we wouldn't make an effort to see much more of each other if we ever lived closer together again.

And people - on this thread, not the OP's family whose reasons we don't know - absolutely are acting like she deserves it for having moved away. People have described her as 'swanning off', 'abandoning' and 'hurting' her family, 'not giving a shit about family values' when she was making her own choices etc. I think it's pretty fucked up to think of your children as 'abandoning' you by moving abroad, actually.

There's a huge difference between expecting to pick up exactly where you left off immediately, and expecting to see your parents who now live just 20 minutes away for more than a brief visit every couple of months.

Well, my parents only live a half an hour away and I only see my mum once a month or so. I haven't seen my dad for about two years now. Different families have different ideas of normal. Seeing parents once a month is normal for many families - I don't think that, by itself, it's a sign of any issues.

Would you really not want to try and make more time for your own children and new grandchildren after they'd got back from living overseas, just because you'd got used to them not being around?

Well, it depends what else I had going on in my life? OP hasn't said, but many grandparents work full-time. They often have caring duties (either young children who still live at home, or elderly relatives). They have their hobbies and their own friends to see.

If I'd moved abroad and then came back after several years, I wouldn't expect my parents to change their lives and plans to accommodate me. I'd expect to see them when it suited all of us, whether that was weekly, fortnightly, monthly or even less than that.

People have described her as 'swanning off', 'abandoning' and 'hurting' her family, 'not giving a shit about family values' when she was making her own choices etc. I think it's pretty fucked up to think of your children as 'abandoning' you by moving abroad, actually.

I think people are trying to show the alternative viewpoint. If it was okay for OP to move abroad and not see her family for weeks/months on end, why isn't it equally okay for the parents to choose not to see her for weeks/months on end?

The OP has said that she did make an effort to get family together but it remained one sided.

I do think people have busy lives but one would have thought the only grandchildren might have merited a bit more interest.

But it appears not.

OP loved living abroad.
It is reasonable to rethink their plan as the move back has not worked out as they might have hoped.

They can continue to see family with visits home.

If they have been away from home for a long time and now have the only children in the family, it is not surprising that siblings have their own lives.

Some might make space, others may not.

Siblings that care for each other deeply may only see each other a couple of times a year, and yet be happy with that.

I think the OP is right to move back rather than live with this disappointment.

You say once or twice a month so that’s a quarter or a half of available weekends are spent with you

Seeing the OP and her DC for lunch, or a coffee and a walk in the park on a Saturday doesn't not mean spending the whole weekend with them. Surely the grandparents can do something different on Sunday or Saturday evening. Seeing your grandchildren doesn't have to take up your entire weekend.

People can meet for lunch at 1 and be free again to resume their weekend at 4 pm or so .

Well, it depends what else I had going on in my life? OP hasn't said, but many grandparents work full-time. They often have caring duties (either young children who still live at home, or elderly relatives). They have their hobbies and their own friends to see.

I think this is pretty relevant.

I also don't understand why, if the OP "moved back home....to spend time with extended family" she isn't calling in on everyone regularly, and arranging to go places together and inviting them round. After all, this is the OP's decision and reasoning.

This.

100% agree with this.

Not quite the same as not grandparents but I have a friend who I used to see nearly every weekend, our kids were best friends too and we were like sisters. We drifted apart for one reason and another, her more so than me, to the point where we barely spoke. She now many years later wants to be back in my life and I just don’t have the same time for it. That time I used to spend with them had been filled with something else that I’m not willing to drop. that doesn’t mean I don’t care or want to see them, I do, just not in the same way as it was before.

I don’t think you are wrong to want your family involved in your life and I can completely understand that it hurts that they are not, my dad isn’t interested in my kids at all, my in laws are and even though we only see them once maybe twice a month they’d do anything for us if we needed it, and us them.

Hopefully this thread has given you an understanding of where they may be coming from too.

Going through the same thing now... just wanna back to my previous home

I perhaps think the boat has sailed a bit. Most families are most involved when you have small kids so missing that window, I think it just means you family have missed o it on that time and so it’s not a priority for them. For example I would priories someone I had a close relationship over some family remember I haven’t really seen.

I think it’ll take time for your families to warm up

We moved away as a childless couple. Moved back when the DC were very young. We have been back for two years and lucky if we see GP or siblings once twice per month now. Extended family we have seen maybe two or three times in two years. Friends we don't see a lot but again they are busy with their own extended families.

that is a good amount to see then OP. That's more than we see family and I would say it's the norm for people we know.

Are you interested in their lives? Or are the many relatives only there for the benefit of your children?
Good relationships with relatives is still a two-way relationship. You need to be interested in them too. If you are not, they will not bother.

What am I reading?

'missed the window' did you actually read the children's age - 6 months and two years old. Babies. They were SMALL kids and no window was missed. It was the perfect moment to move back whilst the children were so tiny. No doubt her parents came out to see the babies when they were born, so barely missed anything before op moved back. Please read the facts before you just guess and post.

For example I would priories someone I had a close relationship over some family remember I haven’t really seen

So you would prioritise everything but your own children and grandchildren despite them moving back to be closer to you Lily?

I think it’ll take time for your families to warm up

Righto, how long?? They have been back for over TWO whole years. Are we talking ten or twenty years for this warm up to happen? Maybe never, after all the buggers moved miles away they deserve to suffer indefinitely. How dare they explore the world and have a life beyond mother's postcode.

I have found this thread, quite frankly, alarming to read. With a bunch of myopic inward looking people that can not imagine life beyond their own street and way behold anyone getting ideas about sniffing past the local town and god forbid actually moving somewhere else - you will be forever banished from the tribe.

I don't know and have never met anyone that seriously thinks like this. It is staggeringly narrow minded.

Your kids are your kids whatever they decide to do, wherever they decide to live and whoever they decide to be, there should not be a big 'warm up' of years if they decide to head home, and for it to take years for said parents to work up some interest in their baby grandchildren and decide if they have forgiven them or not. Do people seriously live and think like this? Clearly they do.

Almost like the bird that falls or flies out of the nest, and gains another scent and is thus rejected. Weird as hell given we are talking about conscious, supposedly intelligent human beings

Where did you move back to the U.K. from?
Sorry but more fool you for doing so: your DC’s quality of life was almost certainly better overseas. We have lived overseas since 2008 and would never move back to the U.K. on the frankly tenuous basis of more time with family. People do indeed have their own lives and presumably didn’t ask you to move back explicitly (and even then you would have been unreasonable, and so would they, because that’s blackmail…).

My mother pleaded with me for several years to come home angelil. Most family members can be extremely sad when someone, esp a child moves away and is no longer around. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling sad, but the rejection now op has returned must be very hard to cope with, especially if she was happy overseas.

We have a wonderful quality of life in the UK, and wouldn't change it for the world, but we will also at some point get a place overseas as it will save a fortune in the long run. There are advantages and disadvantages to living overseas in my experience, and this is especially important when dc get older. Our dd is going to a world leading university, she would never have had such an opportunity if we still lived overseas, nor the outstanding education, friendships and country life she has enjoyed. So I think it depends. We have had hordes of friends return to the UK after covid, as they hated being cut off for years.

Yes. I agree with this. It can come as a big shock when you realise you are as important as you thought you were. I think OP and family have to make the effort, not the rest of their family.

… when you realise you are NOT as important…
I should proof read!