"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

Sorry that both your families have been disappointing, but at least you can move forward now without any regret and feel justified in prioritising your life with your kids without feeling guilty about not factoring in family.

It sounds like you had a very nice life when you lived away, so it's nice that you have that to go back to.

The kids can always stay in touch with their grandparents over facetime. May be they will be better grandparents to older children. X

Yes because wishing my parents or siblings would take my DC out for McDonalds or to a park twice per month is the same as expecting them "to make us the centre of their universe

This is completely different than you all spending time as a family. You want them to actually TAKE your kids out for you.

I think if you've been away for years and only just moved back, it's really inevitable that family members will have orgainsed lives, connections, friendships etc that don't include you. Are there any family members you kept in close contact with while you were away? Or maybe had out to stay with you? Did you come back really regularly to spend time with any of them?

If not they may have felt you just couldn't be arsed, don't you think? If you did do all those things to try maintain connections, speak to whoever you feel closest to (out of the ones showing no interest) and explain it's really important to you, to establish those connections now. Sadly, there's not much more I think you can do.

I’ve read your updates but not all the other comments so apologies if I’m duplicating.
I’m on the other side of your situation. My sibling moved overseas and then some years later decided to move back for family reasons. Before they moved away I considered them to be my best friend.
When they left, unlike you, my sibling already had one very young baby, the only grandchild/nephew. We all outwardly showed support for the sibling’s choice to move away, but we were all devastated. It’s like a grief process. My parents had imagined life as being hands-on grandparents, I was going to be the favourite doting aunty. We were left with video calls and over time we had less to chat about. The baby/child had no interest in sitting in front of the screen to chat at all.
As time moved on, that grieving process also moves on. I honestly felt no strong connection to my sibling, although I put on the expected show of sending gifts, commenting on social media, saying I missed them - the reality I didn’t miss them anymore, there was no bond there anymore because of the physical distance gap.
When I visited them it felt awkward and uncomfortable. We knew everything about each other’s lives but had no recent shared experiences to connect over. Not helped by the complete lack of bond between me and my nephew, to him I was a stranger with a familiar face - my offer to babysit one evening refused by my sibling because the child “didn’t know me”.
My sibling chose to move back home for the same reasons as you, they wanted the kids (now there was a second baby) to grow up as part of a wider family group.
My parents didn’t really know how to be actively involved grandparents because they never had that chance before. I had filled the need for a close sibling-type relationship with a couple of close best friends.
Sibling very quickly became offended that we didn’t spend regular weekends together and didn’t want to take the kids out, but we all had our own lives and I certainly wasn’t about to rearrange my own lifestyle around someone I just didn’t feel that close to and kids I hadn’t bonded with yet. To add to that, I was also wary of really starting to love the kids because I always feared I would get attached and then sibling would move away again, which they did, and which it seems you are doing!
They stayed near us for five years and it probably took 4-5 years for us all to become genuinely close again as a family. They left after 5 years and we were all devastated again.
Its only been two years for you. If you’re committed, give it more time. But continue with the invitations - you are the one who left, you are the one who needs to reconnect the relationships.

Oh dear. Do you think they knew that was the reason you came back? That is really hard. Are you still happy that you see them more? It will take time to rebuild your lives op.

Great post

Great post by Venetiaparties

YANBU as aren't half the ppl on these threads the last week lol. I keep saying threads like this time and time again lol.

@Venetiaparties For me the issue is about whether OP is actually interested in her relatives lives, or of she just wants them to relate to her kids?

You can’t leave your families to live abroad for years and then be upset that they can’t just slot back in perfectly when you turn up later wanting family for your children.

This is a strange concept to me. If I was away for 30 years when I came back my family would want to see me and especially my DC. Because my DC are their DGC. We lived abroad for a while and GP all came out to visit and we’re desperate to see DC and have updates on DC’s lives. They were all overjoyed when we moved back. The idea that they’re Luke be too busy to make some space for their own DGC is very alien to me.

OP have you asked them why? Just asked what’s going on?

Notice how that starts with 'if' and then goes to talk about how other people would feel... its an utter non sense statement because there ZERO way you could possibly know thats how THEY would feel in 30 year time if that happened.

You can't predict the future, you can't speak for other and the entire thing didn't happen so is entirely hypothetical.

Its entirely different visiting an abroad relative and having a kid expect you to drop everything to take their kids (who you have never previously had a relationship with) out every weekend.

They have made space, they see their grandkids OP has just deemed it 'not enough'.

I have never moved away and my family (who I get on perfectly fine with, all live in the same county and we are a small family and I would say perfectly close knit without living in each others pockets) see my DC less than her family see hers.

Why? because they are busy as are we or have life circumstaces that effect their ability too.

I know my family. They would want to see my DC no matter how long we were apart.

And it’s not entirely hypothetical because as I said, we did it. We lived abroad. Nothing changed, they still wanted to see us, they still wanted to see my DC.

I would expect them to make some space, but they will have to give up things to have space to do this.

It’s difficult to find time if you work full time though. At the weekend, once you’ve done the cleaning, the washing and shopping, the weekend has gone!

I guess this is a bit of people just saying what they think is the right thing, we have a teenager and a pre teen, moved abroad ( not far) when the teenager was 2. Grandparents come to visit more than once a year (barring COVID) extended family less often but they have been and are always available when we go back, every year or two, so I am sure if we lived there they would see a lot more of their family.

Do you have to use the F word? Particularlarly in relation to children, very offensive in my book.

I am expecting some abusive replies, however, I don't care, I just wish to express that making a point can be done without the expletives.

Totally agree with you.
I realised during covid that I was always the one rushing around and arranging everything. I definitely don't make the same effort now. I used to get so frustrated. I think I expect too much from people (thinking they are the same as me but obviously not!!)

But presumably you didn't value family all that much as you left them behind to live abroad!

Or is this another case where care and interest is only expected from the top generation down? It's okay for adult kids to move away without a thought for family connection, but it's not okay for their own parents to 'have their own life'?

Not unreasonable but mostly unrealistic. You said these are the only GC, so you are upset that people who have never had your children or any children in their lives aren’t clamoring to fill their day with you kids.

This will probably sound harsh and I don’t mean it to be, but your kids aren’t as important to others as they are to you. I think you were unrealistic In expectations with regard to your families and your part in their lives. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you but it does mean that while you were gone they built friends and activities that don’t include you and your family.

I’ve been that person who moved away and I had to accept that meant I wasn’t part of the day to day lives of the friends and family as I once was. In your mind your picking up where you left off but in reality you now have to integrate into the established.

hate to break this to you, but you might face the same thing relocating back to your previous life.

My advice is to be realistic with the next move or you might be chasing that same same unrealistic expectation.

I am really sorry it turned out this way. You must be so sad.
Also there are a lot of snotty vipers on this thread who don't seem to have actually read what you are writing.

lucky if we see GP or siblings once twice per month now. Extended family we have seen maybe two or three times in two years.

How much were you expecting to see them?!

Were you expecting to spend every weekend with them? Don't you have anything else on? Most people have various different things on at weekends - kids activities, hobbies, errands to run but also down time at home. They then fit in a rotation of seeing family, friends etc, but tbh you can't fit in seeing the same people every weekend/every other.

I’m sorry things haven’t worked out how you hoped OP. I was going to post about persevering and accepting being the one to keep working on building relationships. I see you’ve decided to go back to where your established friendship groups are.
It’s really hard trying to reintegrate, I don’t think friends and relatives fully understand how emotionally hard it is if they’ve always lived in one area. That said, when we move others carry on with their ‘new’ lives without us, and rightly so.

How much would you see them when you lived abroad Vs now? When my sister lived abroad I saw them once a year for two weeks at most. Now they are back it's a couple of weeks a year plus the odd weekend. It would be more but "I have my own life" (mainly work).

How often do you go to them/take annual leave to fit their schedule?

I posted before I read it was just a 30 minute visit. That's odd. If you're local I'd have thought you'd see them more regularly for shorter periods. If they have to travel, less often but for longer

As someone who lived in Asia for years, I think I know what you feel like you’re missing. Friends out there became family, and our lives were intertwined, seeing each other all the time. Ex-pat communities can often be like this.

It just isn’t like that here though. You’ve mentioned family being not around as much as you’d like, but have you made friends? Maybe join some groups etc, you can’t just rely on family.