"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

Yes, like thinking you would 100% keep calm and save lives in natural disaster as untrained person.
People always think of the best outcomes for them. Unfortunately, reality is usually different.

I think that the couple who moved away did so because their family relationships were not as important to them as other things. That's their choice. Maybe relationships were good maybe they weren't and that factored into their original decision to leave.

Their moving away would have communicated clearly to their family that they were not as important as other considerations. Emotionally families must adjust, deal with the grief, detach, and move on - they have to or otherwise it would hurt forever. Things can't be the same after that.

I say this both as someone whose parents moved us away and who had a close family member move away. It's a huge loss and changes the present and the future. This couple are so keen to blame their family but it was they who left, it was they who changed their family relationships. If they want them to improve they'll have to work hard for a long time with no guarantees.

Op as you can see from the thread, plenty of people totally happy with very distant relationships with their children, and clearly do not care very much if they see very little GC. It is good to have the different POV, as at least you can see where your parents might be coming from. Family means something different to everyone, depending on how close you are - and some people really don't care that much, and that is the sad reality.

I am very happy for you that you will return to a place that has made you happy, and now you can do so knowing that you are not missing out on anything.

Some of the strongest bonds in the world are the ones you choose yourself op. Life friends that share the same values, have your back, are there for you when needed and you have great fun together is priceless.
Reduce your contact with your family - you have no reason to rush back and visit and can do so on your own terms, they have let you know what is important to them - enjoy your time with people that love you overseas and want to spend time with you Sunnier times await - best of luck

Exactly.

My parents are the ones who moved abroad before I was born, they then had bought a house, had me, and never went back home.

I had a great childhood and obviously never knew any different, but my mum has said she regrets it in some ways as the move meant I never knew her parents, and never had a relationship with my cousins beyond seeing each other on visits every year or two, whereas the ones who "stayed behind" all grew up together and remain very close as adults.

They moved abroad to travel, then got offered work, stayed and settled - it wasn't planned, it just happened organically. They did what was right for them at thee time, but it obviously had long-term consequences - both good and bad.

But when they were in their twenties, they just didn't think long-term, which I think is very normal. It's not that my grandparents didn't love me or that they didn't want a relationship, but they just didn't have the chance to know me properly - through no fault of their own.

Yes, there are letters and phone calls and now there's FaceTime, but none of that replaces the closeness that comes from living nearby and seeing each other on a more regular basis.

Stop with this "people don't care that much" @Venetiaparties . It's fucking insulting pretending how you would drop everything and everyone else is a monster for not doing exactly that🙄

Personally, I think you should give your family more time to adjust before moving back OP - it's still early days, especially given covid.

The early years with children, lack of sleep, the drudgery etc. are very difficult and family issues can sometimes seem bigger than what they are.

If you do consider moving back, I think you need to ask yourself what you are hoping to find there.

Wow. Raw nerve?

You can do you bosa and justify it to yourself. I am not interested in your issues. We are here to talk to op. Don't derail, and make this all about you. It is not about you, or your set up or your issues around your kids. Okay.

This is about op feeling very hurt, and I for one am glad she will have a future overseas that sounds much happier than the life she currently has here with her so called family. My best advice op is to tell them if you can, give them a chance to change, but if they don't - well it is most definitely their loss

Oh, and to add, my grandparents did make an effort - but in the nicest way, I didn't know them because I never had the chance to get to know them.

As an example - I vividly remember not wanting to talk to them on the phone, because my grandma would get emotional and upset and I never understood why. I know OP's DC are only young but their grandparents are still virtual strangers to them. It's difficult.

What about her parents feelings, though?

I imagine it really bloody hurt to see their daughter settle down and have children abroad. Unfortunately that decision had consequences.

I know OP's DC are only young but their grandparents are still virtual strangers to them

Are you reading a different thread?

It's not about me, and I am not making it about me. You talk way more about your family on here than op proba di so who is doing who.

If you have no experience of families moving far from each other your opinion has same weight like if I were to talk to builder about how I would totally build the house better... Yet people with that experience are being called cold and uncaring by someone who is doing romantic hypotheticals in their head 🤷🏻

Op had too big expectations for her family to change their life. It stings, but it is very common occurrence because things change.

I am out of this thread, you can't even follow what has happened lobster. The children were BABIES! She didn't go off and have kids elsewhere and bring back teenagers, they came back when the baby was just a few months old!!!!!!!!

JH Christ. You are literally making up stuff.

Most parents would be over the moon to have their children and baby grandchildren home. It is not normal to be indifferent to your own grandchildren when they are so tiny. I think the problems with op's parents are far deeper than she has said on here. They sound like cold fish to me. Luckily she doesn't need to rely on them any longer to be happy. I wish her the best.

Err I have lived experience yes, I lived overseas for six years. My over dramatic mother called it a bereavement! Ridiculous. I am very close to my kids, and support whatever direction they wish to take now they are reaching adulthood. This is not about me, my love for my dc are unconditional, I will always be here for mine. Clearly not everyone feels the same, and that is a matter for them.

Ha. Who is projecting eh

Thanks @Venetiaparties.

They sound like cold fish to me. Luckily she doesn't need to rely on them any longer to be happy. I wish her the best

Perhaps you could offer to be surrogate nan to OP's children - as you're so much more warm and caring than her parents.

I'm not a grandparent yet but I do have a sibling who moved away for a time (over five years) and then came back so I can speak from that perspective.

My DSis moved back five years ago and couldn't understand why I didn't drop meeting up with my friends in favour of being there, on tap, for her. The reason was because, by that time, I was involved in play dates, coffee with other mums, setting up a new business etc. The friends were part of a circle that had formed in the time she was away. My DSis wasn't, to be blunt. I was pleased to see her back but she had to fit into my world - just like you said you had a wide circle of friends you saw frequently in the country you moved from OP. My life hadn't been on hold and it was different (by five years) compared to what it had been when she left. Five years later and we meet up regularly as our lives have begun to merge more. Now I appreciate that's not grandparents/grandchildren and I'd have made more effort if it had been but it's just for a bit of perspective. You said a lot of your friends in your old town see their family more. But they've been there...all the time. So no 'gaps in the week' have occurred with them not being around that then get filled with friends, work, volunteering or whatever. It's habit.

You mentioned @alfreddo82 that one of the grandparents dropped into see you for a quick cuppa a while ago but that's the last you've seen of anyone for almost a year. Which is sad. Yet you say they live 20 minutes away. What's wrong with you dropping into theirs once a month during that time? Or is it that having two children and, as you say, a demanding job, makes that commitment hard? But you expect them to make a commitment to come to you. As my DH says about his family who live a few hundred miles away 'the motorway runs in both directions'.

It's fine inviting them to you, that's lovely. But what about inviting yourself to them? Just for a 30 minute sit down with them? Inviting them over for Christmas or a BBQ is great. But how can you say they haven't made the effort this year when you've not made an effort to drive 20 minutes for a quick cup of tea? Or do they say they're busy all the time? Seeing family doesn't mean spending a whole day together, especially if you live close. It's the 'just dropped by for a quick coffee - oh and I brought that cake you like' or 'I'm taking the kids to the park around the corner from you, OK if I drop by for half an hour afterwards?' that makes family or friends bond.

I'm well aware of that But the grandparents still missed out on the early months and years of their lives, through no fault of their own. They also missed out on several years of their daughters' life. Like it or not, that has an impact.

Also - OP never said her parents are indifferent to the children, just that they don't see each other as much as they wanted/expected.

Lots of people only see their grandparents/in-laws every few weeks, that's a very normal level of contact for me. That doesn't say "cold fish" - it says "normal grandparents who have other things going on in their lives too".

I only see my mum every few weeks - we still have an excellent relationship. But we both have lives outside each other - I work, I have animals and hobbies - she volunteers and has her own hobbies and friends to spend time with. I don't expect to see her all the time, and vice versa.

I can well understand your disappointment if you see your father for 30 minutes a month.

Your siblings don't have children and wont have, so the dynamic may indeed be different as their lives would be different to yours, and always will be.

I think the decision to return where you were happy and felt you had community is very wise.

That they are the only grandchildren on both sides with so little involvement is surprising, but you can at least move back with a clear mind.

Moving back before primary starts is best and hopefully you will assimilate back in easily .

Ironic that it is the 'warm hearted' posters advising OP reduced contact with her family.

Do you know I would be delighted to be anyone's adopted granny if anyone needs one, I love babies and kiddies and I can't understand the cold indifference.

I think there’s a risk that when one moves away from family for a long-ish time, one expects the world at home to freeze-frame, and then to pick up where one left off on your return. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.

In fact, people at home have reconfigured their lives without you in them. They have routines and interests and commitments that you have not been part of for years because of your absence. It’s not reasonable to expect people to rearrange their lives just because you have decided that you want them to be part of your life again. If you want to build relationships, you have to start from scratch, and you can’t expect others to make the running. You chose to move away, and so they weren’t involved with your children from birth. No doubt you and your husband are also a very different people from the childless couple who set off to live overseas. They don’t know you now - the continuity of your family relationships has been broken.

if you want to have cosy family relationships, you’ll need to invest time, effort and patience to build them, and you will need to make it worth while for your family to reciprocate. All I can see in your posts is resentment that they don’t fit into your idea of how a family ought to operate.

You moved overseas, people got on with their lives without you.
You now expect them to make you a priority.
YABU