"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

Moving away changes relationships. There's no getting around it. FaceTime and phone calls and visits only help so much.

It's simply not realistic to move abroad for (in OP's words) "many years" and expect things to be the same when you come back. Life just doesn't work like that. People aren't going to sit around and wait for you to slot back in again.

Maybe the grandparents were really hurt to see their child go off abroad to have children? Maybe they feel scared to get too close in case the same thing happens again?

No one said that at all. People are saying that the grandparent-grandchildren relationship was decided by the OP and husband when they moved away then started their family. The grandparents just had to accept that this was that relationship. Visiting once a month now is still more than they had before.

Twice a month is every two weeks. That's quite frequent imo.

Do you invite them over?
Ask if they want to do stuff with you like go out for the day, come to the school xmas concert etc?
How pro active are you about meeting up op?

MN is insane.

On other threads you get posters lamenting that they don't want to see PIL every 2 weeks!!

Everyone is different.

Not looking forward to being MIL myself especially as I have 2 boys. I'm sure that I will get it all wrong.

Have you or your close family members move abroad for extended period of time?
I am guessing not?

Lots of people have this Hollywood movie like idea of return. That's really not reality in most cases. Sadly, but logically

I agree with how you are feeling. I think it’s a bit weird people saying YABU as families are supposed to meet up! Unless there’s something else going on that hasn’t been mentioned then it’s not unreasonable to expect family to visit your DC especially the grandparents who should be more involved. But my advice to you is to stop expecting things from them, accept things are the way they are and accept that not everyone values family connections like you do. Start reaching out to friends and make your own extended family. P.s. I know it’s hard and I should take my own advice on terms of reaching out to friends more. If you’re like me then i automatically feel at ease with family rather than friends so that’s where I think your hurt is coming from.

What kind of parent prevents their children from having adventures, trying new things - new countries and becomes so embittered by the audacity of said child to explore new things that they get cast out of the family nest never able to return?! Issuing 'consequences' to children that wish to try out different things is sounds obscene to me. If my dc want to go and travel, live overseas and stretch themselves I would be happy for them! If they came back with little children in tow because they wanted to be closer to us I would be pretty overwhelmed and delighted with that decision. I am incredulous at the attitude on here.

It is like no one is allowed a life!!!

We moved abroad for work with no kids and came back with three when my eldest was about 9, in time for secondary school.

She’s now 18 and couldn’t be closer to my mum, they have a lovely relationship. So the missing out on the early years thing is utter MN bollocks.

Your parents are making an active choice to not be involved in their gc. Also my in-laws were great too when we came back, despite not being in the best of health.

It is strange I agree

But this works both ways. Every one is allowed to live their own life.

My parents have a busy social life and I am really happy for them. I don't demand their time.

Every 2 weeks is more than enough involvement. I wouldn't want my parents lives to revolve around my children. And this mutual respect means that we have a really great relationship.

I think you're missing the point somewhat. OP's parents didn't stop her leaving. They didn't cast her out of the family or stop speaking to her. But they did carry on their lives without her and that's what's causing upset.

It's not that people aren't allowed to move abroad, or have children abroad, or travel, or go and live in the dessert for six months of the year - it's about recognising that doing those things will also change things for the people you've left behind.

It might not be nice to hear, but if you choose to leave and be absent from people's lives for years at a time, things will inevitably be different when you return. It's not about "issuing consequences" - it's what happens when people move abroad and don't see you for years at a time. It changes the relationship. It can't be helped.

I'm sure OP's parents are happy she's back, but equally their lives have changed in her absence - they filled the time with work, hobbies, friends, other family members. They don't necessarily have the free time they did before.

Well said.

If they came back with little children in tow because they wanted to be closer to us I would be pretty overwhelmed and delighted with that decision. I am incredulous at the attitude on here.

Course you would. If the came back with a pair of children you didn't get to see, you'd be delighted.

I'm not knocking op here, just speaking in general, but who would be delighted at that, I mean really?

Your children starting a family abroad (and then returning years later) is something you have to accept, it's not something many people would be thrilled about.

Your children starting a family abroad (and then returning years later) is something you have to accept, it's not something many people would be thrilled about

The children were babies - six months and 2 years. It was not exactly years later! The children were extremely young at the time.

Weird to describe seeing your little grandchildren more than once a month for a cup of tea as 'demanding' ??!! You clearly haven't read the posts properly.

And this is where we are different Lobster.

I am very close to my now almost adult children. I could not imagine 'filling' up my life with other stuff and not making time to be with them and my beautiful grand children!

Of course I would still have my hobbies, work, friends and interests but it would be a cold day in hell before I decided I didn't have time for my nearest and dearest! Nothing is more important to me than my children. We have the most extraordinary relationship - they come first, every time.

People can fill up their lives with anything they like, that is a choice, and the choice op's parents are currently making is that they do not have the time to see op or their grandchildren and show no interest whatsoever in a deep and meaningful relationship. Of course that is going to be very hurtful if you have given up a happy life elsewhere to be closer to them.

There are plenty of cold fish on this thread, and I am very glad I am not one! We have real love and commitment in our family, and I am very glad for it. It is not dependent on everyone living under the same postcode either!

It's all fine and dandy as long as it's just hypothetical situation...
These often differ from final reality. If you live for example 7 years in certain way, it's not as easy, happy and automatic to suddenly switch and drop things for someone else.
Relationships change, people change

Yes of course relationships changed, but fundamentally your love and support for your kids should never change. They are your kids, not some random that doesn't matter.

@Venetiaparties I would love to have parents this involved. The way you describe yourself is exactly how I would like to be as a parent.

What are you talking about? OP is still seeing her parents! Just not as often she wanted/expected to.

You can love support each other but still not see each other all the time.

People here are being realistic. Many from experience, not cold

There are plenty of cold fish on this thread, and I am very glad I am not one.

I think that's harsh. People are taking their own time to give the OP a different view point before she makes a major life decision of moving her children back away from her family, which could add further hurt on both sides.

The only person who knows the real situation is the OP. We aren't getting both sides. We don't know the family dynamic.

Maybe the decision to move 'home' shouldn't have been solely based on family, but the decision to move away again shouldn't be either.

Exactly. It's easy to say you'd do X or Y when you've never been in that situation.

Who says the love and support has changed?

OP has said sees her family once or twice a month - that seems very normal to me.