To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

That's not what it is, I am ND as is one of my children, he has SEND provision in place. It's very different looking after him (and his sibling) for more than a day than it is to visiting or taking them out for the day. I wouldn't be upset if my parents found longer term stays too challenging, goodness knows I struggle, and I have DP to parent with me.
I would struggle a lot with the lack of sleep OP describes, I would help when I could, but I suppose that's easy to say from the outside. Realistically, with my own condition, I'd likely just become very unwell and unable to function.

She was MARRIED then. Are you really blaming a married woman for having a child with her husband?

Use critical thinking. OF COURSE she NOT blaming her mother. She is WANTING her mother to help out more, not 'blaming' her, like you're blaming the OP for her husband leaving her.

This 'poor mother' has time to hang around at fucking airports for attention, so don't give us this 'other two children' crap. If she had time to hang around airports for complete strangers, she sure as shit should be able to find a lousy, meagre 2 hours for her grandson.

I'm not the one being unpleasant, that's you with your hateful, judgemental posts blaming the OP for things she couldn't help. And 'gets off' as in enjoys the smug and superior praise and attention-seeking she gets for helping strangers to look good. But you knew what I meant.

That’s no better, and it’s incredibly judgemental.

And yes, I think that everyone knows exactly what you meant. I see you.

As a dm of two SEN children plus two other kids I resent the fact that it is just expected that dgm should help! I have a dgc and I will often offer to help but only because I choose to not because i am expected to! I raised my dc and I will not be stepping in to do so with dgc! I have to admit i find looking afterwards dgc tiring and dare i say it boring and stressful!

You OK hun? Anything you think that you need to share? That’s not a rational response to this thread or any replies to it.

You're the one who is incredibly judgemental.

And every one of us can see it.

The gaslighting with you is real.

You're the one blaming the OP for her husband leaving her, and for her son having a disability. Only someone completely unhinged would blame someone for that. Your posts are completely batshit and hypocritical, as well as hypercritical.

Your mum can't cope with your son. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you or doesn't want the best for you. She just cannot cope with the demands of a severely disabled non-verbal doubly incontinent 6 year old.

Instead of being hurt or disappointed in the help she cannot offer, can you talk to her about ways that she can support you? (without that being childcare)

With regards to the hospital stay when she took them once the nurse mentioned foster care - wouldn't she assume their father ought to be the one stepping up? I wouldn't expect to be the only option as grandmother living 2 hours away when their own father is right there. There is absolutely no reason for him not to do so in an emergency. "He was in a meeting" is a pretty flimsy excuse.

OP is only asking for 2 or 3 hours respite! Not for her to be his permanent nanny. Strange how her mum can go to airports and the like at all hours, but can't give her grandson a lousy 2 hours.

As OP has said, their father is abusive. And I'm sure OP's mother is aware of this too.

But that’s not exactly how it happened, OP says there were only two calls to her mum.

1. The very first call was to OP’s mum, not her ex. Presumably saying she was in the hospital & they were trying to contact her ex to get the kids. OP’s mum said to keep her updated.
2. Next calls were to the ex but he wasn’t picking up because he was in a meeting.
3. Second call to OP’s mum was saying they can’t contact the ex so the kids would have to go into foster care if no one got them, OP’s mum drops everything & goes straight there.

If the OP’s ex couldn’t be contacted due to a meeting then there can’t have been a massive time difference between the first & second call to her mum & OP even admits it happened quickly.

I don’t think her mum expecting her ex, THE CHILDREN’S FATHER, to be the first option is unreasonable.

@Tinkity nope, in the first call, she was told to come get them and there was no other option

Bloody hell Op.

Some people have got no idea.

The no sleep is a killer. No one has an idea what its like looking after a child with SN's .

If his Dad is abusive he is just going to make things worse.

I think your mum probably feels out of her depth. However yes you desperately need some help..

There are so many people on this thread have got no idea ..

Agree with @Tinkity Also, although I think @ToInfinityAgain 's posts are a little 'brusque' I do agree with some of their points. WHY aren't the OP's father, and the parents of the childrens father being called into question here? WHY is it the OP's MOTHER who is getting all the shit here?

She is 53, and has 2 teenagers at home still. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not want to offer regular help. Occasional/in an emergency yes, but not regularly. (And let's be honest here, I suspect that is what the OP wants deep down.)

And the 'well she's only 53 not 83' and 'why doesn't she go out to work' brigade can just jog on to be honest. Not EVERYbody of 53 is fit and healthy and able to look after multiple children all at once.

How lovely for you if YOU are that age and you are super fit and have school age children, and a massively successful executive level career. Bully for you. Judging people who are NOT like that says a lot more about YOU to be honest. Also it's got NAFF-ALL to with ANYONE why she does not go out to work.

Could it be that has 2 school age children still?! The people decrying her for not going out to work sound jealous and judgemental tbh.

OP,
pls pls don’t waste a single second on these fucking bitches who are hell bent on belittling what you’re going through.
I really get it and so do many others

How many times do the OP and others, have to say? Obviously people don't bother to RTFT. The child's father is abusive. Of course the hospital and ss will not look at getting him to look after him.

Use a little logic and critical thinking. The boy's father is not a safe option. The OP's mum, who doesn't work, and who spends her time hanging around airports greeting strangers (so much for her being their for her 2 teenagers!) for attention, is the best option.

Totally agree with this.

caudwell children often fund therapy or resources for children with ASD and complex needs. Aside from the sleep issues it might be worth exploring for the smearing etc. if a professional can work out the function of the behaviour then it can be replaced (with some hard work) and communication could be intensively taught also. I am not sure if cerebra still find SLT…maybe worth a look if you haven’t already. I’ve worked a lot with smearing and other complex behaviours over the years and if it’s possible to get in there and replace the behaviour whilst a child is young it will be easier when they are older then. It depends though on the ‘why’ and if it is sensory seeking- what are the attributes that would be appropriate to replicate and work. Definitely not easy to do any of this by yourself though, normally a family would have more family support, therapists or school on board for any ‘therapy’ to work.

best of luck. He’s a very lucky boy to have you as his Mum. X

In your post at 12:05 you say:

My mum was contacted first but she didn't say anything other than keep me updated (to the nurses)

If she was contacted first, how did you know there was no other option? That means you told her to come get them without even trying your ex.

I think she was right to expect your ex to be contacted first before she stepped in.

how did you know there was no other option?

RTFT. The ex is abusive and not safe for the son. Of course the hospital would have said there is no other option, same with social services. RTFT. No one would expect the ex to be contacted, no one. Because no one would allow someone who abuses a child to pick them up. So why would he be called.

@Shiningsilverargent Op doesn't ask dm to take him overnight for goodness sake! Shes asking to go for walk/pampering for few hours during the day! Once a month! In dm's town.
All of you defending your selfish views, i hope you never need help from others, let alone family members!

Im becoming over-invested in this thread and very upset on your behalf op. I have friends who would have more compassion towards me than your own mother does for you.

I also have a crap parent, but there's no way extended family/friends wouldnt jump in to help if i called from hospital. They wouldnt even think twice to come get my dc. You sound very stable and strong. I hope you can cultivate an alternative support network for yourself ❤

Because no one would allow someone who abuses a child to pick them up. So why would he be called.

Except he was called?

I don’t understand the majority of the messages on here that are saying YABU. I can only assume the vast majority haven’t read your updates.

I don’t think you’re asking a lot of your mum. You are asking for a few hours a month. You said you would drive the kids to her. You don’t expect your mum to have them overnight.

Yes it would better if their dad wasn’t such an abusive shit and he could have them… but you can’t change that.

Im sorry OP 💐

I honestly don’t think you are asking a lot of your mum. Especially when she’s always helping other people. I can’t believe she would have a neighbours child for two hours a week for quite a while… but won’t even have yours for two hours a month! Of course you’ll feel hurt! Most people would!

But OP has a lot of inconsistencies in this thread….in her opening thread…..she says both that her mum refuses …..and then her mum says …..’yes that should be ok’ …… I mean it’s one or the other isn’t it ??🙄….I say to my DD ….’yes that should be ok’ when she asks me to mind my GC