To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

For petes sake the hospital had to ring her and tell her the DC would be put in foster care, before she would even do anything about it!!

And yet there was a father in the picture who was seemingly dismissed as he was in a meeting-so they weren't exactly trying hard were they?

@KangarooKenny you mustn't have read all my posts then. He won't have him either, at least not other than once in a blue moon

Please read all my posts! He is awful around DS and belittles him. I wouldn't want him with him anyway

When you get up with your son, what do you/he do? Just curious. Sounds incredibly tough.

You said you won’t facilitate it.

Spin, play, run about, jump, get into a lot of mischief unless kept a close eye on. Can't be left unattended. Smears all the time etc But is okay if you watch him closely

But in this instance you contacted him before your mum(?)

@diddl I was desperate, close to death if I hadn't come to hospital within the day. As I've said previously, he always gets his sister involved so he doesn't have to look after him on his own

My mum was contacted first but she didn't say anything other than keep me updated (to the nurses)

So big and so right!😆

I'm basically in your mum's situation and I'm also one of those grandparents who doesn't want to do regular childcare during parent's working hours for example. But not a chance in hell was I going to let my daughter suffer the way you are. This isn't a normal situation, sleep deprivation is dangerous and incredibly lonely. I had my daughter & GC at mine for a night or two at least every fortnight to catch up on a little sleep. She had some solid nights and I caught a nap the next day. I'm not sure I could live with myself expending energy on other people while my -baby- grown girl was struggling.

“Spin, play, run about, jump, get into a lot of mischief unless kept a close eye on. Can't be left unattended. Smears all the time etc But is okay if you watch him closely“

I think this is the key to people not understanding the tiredness. I actually can’t imagine how much this would ruin me. Hats off to you OP

She didn't just take kids in emergency situation, she didn't even offer when her daughter called her from a hospital bed with sepsis. She only came and got them when nurses threatened to call SW to have kids put in a temporary placement. She wasn't even concerned about how her daughter would manage, I'd bet she only got them to save embaressment because the nursing staff called her.

I would never forgive my mum for that. OP is clearly deluded about her relationship with her mother if she could describe as a "good person", she is not a good person, she makes no effort for her daughter or her grand dc, OP has said that she has to make the 2 hour trip to her mums place weekly, if she didn't do that do you think her mum would come to her weekly?? Giving all OP has said I doubt her mum would walk to the end of the garden path for her. This relationship is all very one sided, if OP ended up like those mothers you hear about un-aliving themselves or worse taking their kids with them - you'd be rightly asking questions such as "where the fuck was this woman's support? Where was her family? Surely she had someone to turn to?" ... sadly OP can't even turn to her mum for respite and half of mm doesn't think she should expect help from her mother either, I feel sorry for most kids being raised today knowing their own mothers won't extend themselves past the obligated 18 years.

I hear you. I actually feel sorry for you. Its horrible to be sleep deprived. Its hurtful when someone loves you is able to help, but won't.Sending hugs.

@ToInfinityAgain wow. You are horrible. The OP didn’t know she’d have a child with special needs. Wow.

Reading your last posts just confirms for me that your mother feels she would be unable to cope with him.

And as hard as that is for you, I think she’s doing her best by having you visit (and she cooks for you)? every Saturday.

You need to address this with his father, and expect/demand involvement from him. He has a responsibility to his son

@ToInfinityAgain have you not read the thread?!?! He became an abuser after my daughter was born. i didnt know and if you told me 18 months ago my H was abusive, I'd laugh and wonder who on earth you were talking about!

It's not my fault.

Big hugs to you OP, that's really really tough. My son has special needs and we had a few horrendous years with sleep when he was between 4 and 7. I was very lucky that my parents (who were well in their 70s at that time) were always keen to help out, would gladly have taken DS overnight and were a huge support. I would be very upset to feel I couldn't rely on them. I have 3 children and in a heartbeat would help any of them in the way that you're hoping your mum would help you.

Being 53 is no excuse, I'm 51 and have a 10yo, I have a friend who had all her 3DC in her 40s and holds down a senior management job in an international company. I'm sure she finds a 6yo hard work (because they just are) but it would make such a massive difference to you if she looked after your DC for, e.g. 1 night a week. You sound like you are on your knees

How many times a night do you get up to your 10 year old? How many times a night does your friend with 3 DC get up?

As I said upthread,I am 52 but I have to get up at night to help my 13 year old with his condition. Some nights I get up more than 4 times. I work full time. It is harder and harder to manage and I am worried about being able to continue full time in work for at least another 5 years. I have no choice, however, because I am single and the pension implications of working less. It is a shit situation to be in. I love my children and would do whatever I could to help them and their children but overnights, except in a dire emergency, would not be something I would be willing to help with. It is too much for me. It is not unreasonable that I should be able to make a decision like that for the sake of both my own physical and mental health.

I hope I never see the day when I perceive offering hospitality to my daughters as doing them a favour.
If anything I see myself as the lucky one when they use their precious free time to come and visit me. I'd be thrilled if my daughters were prepared to do a four hour return journey to visit me every week and I'd love feeding them.

Having your adult offspring round for a meal is a privilege and pleasure, not 'help and support'.

OP have you seen the thread earlier this week about a grandmother being asked to look after her GC once a month or so so that her dd can get nursing experience to then train? It sounds very very similar from the GP point of view. She’s getting very similar responses, a mix of both sides.

I'm a similar age to your DM with similar aged dc at home and older dc who have left home. The dc at home are absolutely no trouble and could feed themselves etc and help out with an autistic child if needed.

I can never understand all the “I’ve done my bit raising my children I’m not helping with GC” people. My older dc may be adults but they’re still my dc and I’ll never ever stop loving them and caring for them, so why the hell would I not help them if I could see them struggling?

I went through similar, when I was a first time mum. I still half resent that my parents did very little to help me at the time, when I was really struggling, while they had all the time and money for everyone else.
Eg, they went on holiday to the Bahamas, while I stood in the council office, with a baby and suitcase, waiting for some emergency accommodation to become available and then gave an old school friend of mine enough money for a deposit on their own flat
Sometimes, life sucks. Sometimes, people suck. Sometimes we need to find other people who get it and are there for us, and know that we are there for them, family or not family.
It’s very hard to find the right words to say, but you’re certainly not being unreasonable to wish that your mum could/ would help you out more. But honestly, dwelling on it won’t help or change the situation. Vent on here, all you want to, but I really hope you find the help and support you need from somewhere.

I would be very hurt if my mother, not working and relatively young, had so little wish to help. When she will call you in hospital at 3am to complain but collect strangers from the airport then you know she will never have your back. She wants the praise from strangers but can’t feel the love she should. You need the stately homes thread. She does not sound like a healthy person at all.
Are you getting every benefit you are entitled to? Check with Fight Back for Justice and work with every charity you can find. Can you use a childminder or friend to take your two year old during h school time so you can catch up on sleep? Can you go back to the consultant and see if other meds might help? I wish you much success with finding some sleep and support. I wouldn’t waste any time expecting g your mum to help and I wouldn’t look to help her, if she needs support later.

It just sounds like your mum can't cope with him. I wonder if she's worried that if she offers any help it will then become a regular expectation. You live with this every day. Your mum doesn't, so she doesn't have any resilience for it. Every time she does have your son, it's a big shock for her and hits hard. Imo I don't think she deserves to be shamed for that.

Twenty-six years. She’s been bringing up children for twenty-six years, and for at least some of that time (including now), it sounds as though she’s been doing it alone.

It’s understandable that her daughter wants some help, but after twenty-six years of parenting, and after it sounds as though the daughter has moved far away, it’s also reasonable that she’s not doing so much.