To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Apply to family fund to create a safe space bedroom or enclosed bed?

I didn't realise she was also still looking after 2 teenagers too which would make it more difficult to support her daughter.

Welcome to the club and being disappointed with our parents. My mum is also “I’ve done my time raising kids” and doesn’t like to offer any help.

My jealously is made worse when friends have support networks they feel they can rely on. Its hard when you have little to no village.

The best advice I can give it’s to accept it, she’s not going to change so you have two options 1) be annoyed she’s not the parent / GP you would like and it winds you up or 2) accept that’s they way they are and be calmer. It’s sucks but you cant change them.

Then remember all the ways you would love to be supported so you can be the best grandparent if you get the chance

No, your mum doesn't need to help, especially as it sounds like your son has SN.

As the Mum of a child with SEND I am very thankful my own DP's don't take this attitude. They love and accept my DD for who she is and would never see her additional needs as a reason not to spend time with her.

YANBU, OP.

First child at twenty, with a flaky man. For some reason, despite the first having complex needs she’s chosen to have a second, and now finds things hard.

I mean, really.

As the Mum of a child with SEND I am very thankful my own DP's don't take this attitude. They love and accept my DD for who she is and would never see her additional needs as a reason not to spend time with her

Not feeling able to take a child that doesn’t sleep overnight does not mean that the grandmother doesn’t love the child, or accept him for who he is. Not wanting to be up at all hours is not unreasonable, at any age. It is sad that it happens to some of us but there is no obligation to provide respite just because you are closely related. It’s also not unreasonable that a person looks after themselves, particularly as the grandmother in question still has children at home. I mean, how are those two teenagers going to cope in school if they have been disturbed at night on a regular basis? Is that fair or reasonable?

The best advice I can give it’s to accept it, she’s not going to change so you have two options 1) be annoyed she’s not the parent / GP you would like and it winds you up or 2) accept that’s they way they are and be calmer. It’s sucks but you cant change them.

And if there becomes a time later in life when she needs help day to day you can't/won't/ unable to because.

OP I am really sorry you have been given such a rotten time in this thread. People aren’t reading properly and are projecting. I am glad you can brush them off.

I think the best advice is on the lines of accepting what your mum is able to give and accepting what she isn’t. You sound incredibly strong and you are going to need to be to piece together what support is available and get through this day by day, month by month. I really hope you can find a good support network over time but maybe this post was about you realising that you have come to the end of the road with expecting family support. It must feel really lonely. But there is a strength that comes from looking at a situation with eyes wide open instead of wasting energy wishing things were different. I have no advice but I wanted just to wish you well.

I feel for you, you've been through alot xxx
I think your mum should definitely be helping you out, because that's what family is for, even if your son was a "handfuls don't matter
But unfortunately some people just won't step up, no one in my family gives a fck, my "mum" doesn't even talk to me
So Its just me and I have trust issues so I don't hire babysitters or friends sitters

I would help any of my children in OP's situation. We, as a couple, made a lot of sacrifices to help single parent daughter, and would do the same again.

But as a young mother myself, I didn't expect anyone to help (just as well ..) and I wouldn't judge anyone (although we're usually talking about women) who chose not to offer to help. Their choice.

@saraclara Yes but don't you know chucking a few extra potatoes and sausages in with the dinner she's presumably already making for herself and OP's siblings is the height of supportive parenting?

Which one of her children do you suggest she sends back?

Or which decision do you think she should travel back in time to change?

It's pointless sniping at her for something done and dusted and many of us have no idea how the future pans out.

She would be able to, anyway. Because OP will have to care for her son as an adult (which will be even harder) for her entire life.
Any support her mum needs in old age will need to come from OP's siblings.

That's no need for spiteful tit for tat, because there's no way OP will be able to do elder care.

I'm a nana OP and I could never watch my DD struggle like you are 😕

I haven't RTFT but is it possible to move closer to your mum? Do you have any support at all where you live now? If your mum doesn't feel confident looking after your son maybe she could help with your youngest for a few hours (or even overnight once a month) so you can grab some sleep whilst your son is at school?

What about your dad, could he help?

It would piss me off if my own mum was watching me struggle but offering help to randoms - maybe you should ask for help on FB to see if she picks that up? 😉

She shouldn’t send any away, and you should be ashamed for even suggesting it.

She should, however, understand that it’s very unfair to blame her mother, who has two children of her own, when she’s a single mother aged twenty-six with two children.

I would help any of my children in OP's situation. We, as a couple, made a lot of sacrifices to help single parent daughter, and would do the same again

OP’s mother is single, she is not part of a couple. She has children at home she is responsible for. Children who are at a crucial point in their education at 14 and 16. They also matter. Getting a good nights sleep is important for them to thrive and succeed in school. Presumably, a 6 year old up at 2am would interfere with that. If the OP’s mums did a post along the lines of ‘I really want to support my eldest who is a single mum and needs to get some rest but my younger children’s sleep is disturbed as a result. Today the school called me to day my 16 year old fell asleep in science and they are concerned, what would your advice be? Because I think in those circumstances, we wouldn’t be suggesting providing respite care was reasonable.

OP, is your dad around at all? Could he be of any support for you?

I’d hardly call getting to the point of being threatened with her grandkids going into temp foster care as ‘support’.

It was shit and she should of stepped up long before it got to that point!

Why are you creating narratives that don't exist? Where is the OP 'blaming' her mother? For anything? Wishing your own mum would help you, even occasionally, like when you are near death, is not 'blaming' them, what the hell are you talking about? Especially when you are the one blaming the OP for things that are not even her fault, and that she can't help.

I’d help in the day, but I wouldn’t be able to cope with the lack of sleep either. I’m a grandma and do loads of granny daycare.

Children who are at a crucial point in their education at 14 and 16. They also matter. Getting a good nights sleep is important for them to thrive and succeed in school. Presumably, a 6 year old up at 2am would interfere with that.

@Shiningsilverargent at least please read OP's posts. She had said over and over again that she's not asking her mum to do anything other than have the six year old for two or three hours, and that an overnight doesn't remotely come into the picture. Her mum could have the six year old while the teens are out at school.

I am really sorry OP yes she isn’t obliged to help but there is no way I would see my grown up DC struggle like this and not offer to help. I can’t believe that any parent would. Sending you a big hug and I hope you manage to get some respite help x

Yet OP's mum gets off on helping complete strangers for attention, even with a 14 year old and 16 year old, so why can't she help out, even occasionally, with her own grandson? That's why the 14 and 16 year olds are an irrelevant red herring. They don't stop her grandstanding and attention-seeking with complete strangers, even going to an airport. Therefore the 14/16 teens argument is null and void.

You can’t help choosing to have a child aged twenty? How so?

And of course she’s blaming her mother for not helping more. Strangely she’s not asking any of her son’s other three grandparents to help, only her poor mother who has two children of her own that she’s also bringing up as a single mother.

It’s sad that your mum can’t (or won’t) help out occasionally. What does she say when you ask her to have the dc for a couple of hours? You say you don’t expect her to come to you and that you will drive the two hours to your mums. How does that work? I mean are you looking at getting a few hours sleep in at your mothers? Or driving two hours there, two hours back, having a couple of hours sleep to drive there again to pick the dc up and then driving home? The latter sounds exhausting!

It sounds hard OP. So if your mum can’t (or won’t) have dc and you have nobody else to rely on can I suggest you put your youngest into nursery, say, two days (or half days) a week so you have some time for yourself?

You can expect your DM to help out but if she’s not able or willing you have to look at alternatives. You can’t force your DM to provide childcare.

She “gets off” on it? You are being very, very unpleasant here.