To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Is it possible that the OP's mother knows what she is capable of handling and what she is not capable of handling? If she feels that she is incapable of handling her grandson alone, how is that being unfair to her daughter? I would imagine that she has assisted her daughter in many ways since the dissolution of the marriage. It is just possible that she feels that she cannot handle this particular situation.

The OP is in an unfortunate situation but In this instance she may need to look for a solution that does not involve her mother. Maybe she can look to friends, paternal grand parents, etc.

Pretty sure she also said that her ex mother in law used to babysit, and was very hands on but that she has unfortunately passed away.

Is it possible that the OP's mother knows what she is capable of handling and what she is not capable of handling?

Well yes-Op puts in her 2nd post that her mum has told her that she can't manage her GS.

I don't know why she is getting such a kicking tbh.

Mothers are constantly told on here that they shouldn't expect mum/family to help & it's a bonus if they do.

But this GM is getting a kicking for helping even though she finds it difficult & has said so!

Yes but I imagine it’s quite a bitter pill to swallow when your own mother will agree to babysit someone else’s grandchild for several hours a week on an ongoing basis… but won’t have their own grandchild for a few hours a month.

But yes I agree OP will have to look in other places for support.

Could it be that your mum wants to 'force' you to look into other options such as government funded respite or getting the useless father to pay for some respite. I know it's difficult but from your mums POV this isn't her solution to fix. You and your Ex made these children, you BOTH have a responsibility to look after them. It may be that you don't trust your DC dad to not be an ablelist prick around your son but you are playing right into his hands to absolve him of all responsibility. GET HIM TO PAY. Pay for your daughter to go to nursery during school hours, pay for respite, pay for a nanny or a cleaner. Honestly you will be like a new woman with a good chunk of sleep. There are solutions to this that don't involve your mum. Get your ex to understand that if he doesn't help then your DC's may not have a mum for much longer. Humans cannot function without sleep and working in psychosis, it's a perfect storm of feeling stressed, overwhelmed, tired and lonely which will break you, mentally.
I am sending you all the thoughts, hope and good luck in the world.

Yeah, that was another mega drip feed.

Yes but I imagine it’s quite a bitter pill to swallow when your own mother will agree to babysit someone else’s grandchild for several hours a week on an ongoing basis… but won’t have their own grandchild for a few hours a month.

I can see how it would hurt, but also it's immaterial if Op's mum wouldn't be doing anything for/with her at that time anyway.

pass judgement on young mums I was 15 when I had my first, no judgement from me.

call it "sexist" to rely on your mum past the age of adulthood It is extremely sexist that any of this should fall on a Woman, The children have 2 sets of parents and grandparents, why should it automatically fall to Ops Mum?

In the end all I'm hearing is how you would abandon your adult kids. That is utterly disgusting All my adult kids still live at home and can do for as long as they want/need there is no abandonment and I still cook/wash and do what they need in terms of being their Mum, but that does not mean I am prepared to pick up childcare on a regular basis if they decide to have kids.

I understand how hard this must be for op but rather than expecting her Mum to take over when she lives 2 hours away and is still raising 2 children herself she needs to look at other workable options.

You didn't say before about why you live 2 hours away from your family?

Would it be easier to find support where she lives?

I don't know if there is a difference in the size of the towns or availability of resources.

I have ADHD and ASD as well as other things myself. Obviously not as severe.
As much as I would want to, there is no way I could care for a severely disabled doubly incontinent child. I don't think it's fair to compare that to watching some neighbors NT grandchild.

Is the exH family a possibility? Do they ever want to see their DGC? You mentioned a sister and someone else?

Are there any other medications available.
I am up at all hours and melatonin is a joke! It sort of worked the first week I took it but then nothing.

I do know that being unmedicated feels terrible. It's like a live wire that never shuts off. There are many different antipsychotics available. I know quetiapine definitely makes me sleep even at a low dose. I've read a few things about can oil but never tried any. I think it's cruel of doctors not to offer medication. If it doesn't work out fine but at least let people try!

Theres alot of shitty responces on here with 0 empathy for you. To those people I say get back on your broomsticks 🤣YRNBU. Your DM is someone who is suppost to love you, watching you struggle and couldn’t give a dam about it. Offers to help others to keep up appearences to the outside world. However will not help when it really counts. It took nurse telling her SS would get involved if she wouldn’t to help you when you when you were really unwell. If I were you I’d drop her like a hot stone, Shes no support to you. And lets face it as parents life happens and we all need a support network sometimes. Life can be really shitty without support. Another thing I suggest is you seek out mental health support through your GP. You cannot continue to be sleep deprived with no support or respite. Your mental health will suffer. i wish you well.

Do you a community paediatrician? Ask for a different medication. We have used Chloral Hydrate in the past and we now use Clonadine alongside melatonin. Sleep has improved but not dramatically. Also does he have a safe space bed? If he does then give him activities he like in bed. We use an ioad with films on it. Then have a video monitor.
Do you have a socal worker from the disabled children's team? If not request one ..... they can help support respite and also they can get funding to put your daughter into a nursery.
I'm a mum of a severely disabled child..... if you'd like to pm me I can help with suggesting and support. My boy is 13 now and we've bern through a lot !!!

No it’s you that needs to RTFT.

1. They did try to contact the ex, didn’t they? The reason given for why he didn’t take the children was that he wasn’t picking up because he was in a meeting & NOT that he wasn’t contacted because of abuse / safeguarding so obviously OP did consider him an option & a preferable one to foster care at that.
2. OP also said that while she doesn’t necessarily encourage contact because of belittling comments / possible emotional abuse, she also doesn’t stop it either & it’s actually him that refuses contact because he can’t cope. She also says when he has them he ropes in SIL / his dad & doesn’t have them alone either. So whatever is going on, it’s not at the level where OP feels contact needs to stop / it’s unsafe.

Considering the above & that OP is not stopping contacting, I stand by the fact it was entirely reasonable for her mother to expect the children’s father to be the first option & herself then second. At the very least he could have taken his daughter - who he has a good relationship with - to help lighten the load on her mother.

If I were you I’d drop her like a hot stone,

So then if Op is ill again her kids end up in foster care if god forbid her ex is in a meeting!

Sounds like her ex dosn’t give a toss anyway. Only to be abusive to the child. As for the DM read the whole thread.

As for the DM read the whole thread.

Having a different opinion to you doesn't mean that I haven't read the thread.🙄

Good good

Totally ready for people to disagree with my but yes YABU ... grandparent are not free childcare.
I work nights (husband works alternate hours to me ) so I sleep maybe 2/3 hours and get up have do school runs etc and then have kids after school until he's home at 6pm and then I go work finishing at 2am...I might get one hour nap if I'm lucky, before ds gets out of nursery.
It's bloody hard but what can I do🤷‍♀️
Noone owes me childcare, and I wouldn't ever expect it.

The OP has a child with special needs with no support from anyone. Your situation is hardly the seme.

This. Yes YABU.

Geez that seems way too much on way too little sleep.

How much sleep is your DH getting and why doesn't he do the morning school runs so you can sleep?

Of course your mother should help. She should be there some nights every week when your ds gets up. As you have no help from her do reach out others who could help. Your GP who might be able to get your son more medical care or medication to help. I don’t know if there’s a community group that could help in your area or citizens advice. A special needs local group that you could get kind words of support from. I understand it’s tough and hard work with no break. You’re doing your best.

Who would be looking after her 2 school aged dc if she is at ops House 'some nights every week'?

Do you live anywhere bear a university? Could you advertise there, possibly an occupational therapy, nursing, childhood studies student might be interested in earning sone extra money doing respite care?

The same people that would look after the teenage 16 year old and 14 year old (so not needing anyone to look after them) when their mother takes off to hang around airports at all hours of the night/day.