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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming over unexpected visitors

254 replies

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 13/11/2022 16:04

OldMotherShipton · 13/11/2022 00:24

It is his home as well

Chill. Noons cares if your home was a boy untidy

friends are more important than being mrs hinch

“ no one cares”

The OP cares 🙄

Ibizamumof4 · 13/11/2022 17:01

I would be pissed off he let them in however would of waited till they had gone to say anything. I would of probably said a quick hello then go back upstairs left him to it

1POTUS · 13/11/2022 17:28

Tidsleytiddy · 13/11/2022 10:16

I too am a sociable introvert and would be fuming if anyone knocked on my door uninvited. I like my own space and I would feel invaded. I like time to prepare. I like the house to be tidy. I like to be ready.

I would
I like
I like
I like
I like
I like

Yeah we get it you like it your way and only your way

Fuck me the OPs parters mate called in advance to pop in with his new girlfriend or a cuppa

I'm not surprised you're an introvery

Kite22 · 13/11/2022 17:53

Tidsleytiddy · 13/11/2022 10:16

I too am a sociable introvert and would be fuming if anyone knocked on my door uninvited. I like my own space and I would feel invaded. I like time to prepare. I like the house to be tidy. I like to be ready.

Which is irrelevant to this thread, as these people didn't knock on anyone's door uninvited. They checked with their friend who said - "Yes, pop round now" (and presumably "be lovely to see you").
It is just as much the OP's dp's home as hers and he is therefore just as able to make choices to see his friends as and when as she is.

Original poster
Trianglio · 13/11/2022 18:02

Glitteratitar
Read my fiurther threads re breast cancer scare and other stresses then comment

OP posts:
Glitteratitar · 13/11/2022 18:08

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 18:02

Glitteratitar
Read my fiurther threads re breast cancer scare and other stresses then comment

I did read your updates. I know life is stressful for you at the moment, but your behaviour was still shocking and unreasonable. You belittled him and treated him like a child because, as you say, he “overruled” you.

pictish · 13/11/2022 18:35

Even with your update you were still rude. I can understand that you didn’t want visitors…but not why you disappeared upstairs for an obvious strop and to give your dh a hard time and make them feel unwelcome. What a performance.

namechange085 · 13/11/2022 19:25

I’ve voted YABU. I actually agree with you I hate unexpected visitors. But I would have kept it in until they had left.

MoggyMittens23 · 13/11/2022 20:02

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 10:05

sammylady37
Good point! I'm a twit not seeing how ironic that sounds

You don't sound like a twit because it's nor comparable!

Ideatcakeforbreakfast · 13/11/2022 20:27

This is the sort of thing that pisses me off too. My partner has a habit of letting people just pop round for a bit usually at inconvenient times whereas I prefer to have planned visits that I can prepare for. I would be raging too even though I wouldn't mean to, it would just really get to me.

Vallmo47 · 13/11/2022 21:20

Unfortunately I still stand by my opinion. If you ask everyone to write down their worries, we’d all have a list and most of us would have some pretty horrendous things to put on it. There’s so much shit going on in the world.
I am sorry you’re struggling OP and I hope, given that your partner is aware of these, he will be able to forgive, forget and move on. It would have been embarrassing for him for sure. I do think you need to also apologise to his friend and new girlfriend, nothing too heavy, but a brief message to say you have a lot going on at the moment and unfortunately they caught you at the worst moment. Please allow me to redeem myself on another occasion.

Your partner has hopefully learned his lesson, too.

CheerfulYank · 13/11/2022 22:06

I’d absolutely hate this! I’m with you OP.

Kite22 · 13/11/2022 22:37

Ideatcakeforbreakfast · 13/11/2022 20:27

This is the sort of thing that pisses me off too. My partner has a habit of letting people just pop round for a bit usually at inconvenient times whereas I prefer to have planned visits that I can prepare for. I would be raging too even though I wouldn't mean to, it would just really get to me.

But why does your preference carry any more weight than his preference ?

If you want your family or your friends to make an appointment, and then for you to put yourself out preparing your house for their visit, then do that for your friends.
If he has friends / family who actually come to see and spend time with him rather than coming to inspect the house, then his "right" to see friends as and when he wants are equal to your "right" to not allow your friends in without appointment.

That is the issue with the OP's situation. She was then rude and spoiled what her husband had agreed with his friends. If she couldn't face seeing anyone, then just go out of the living room for when they were there, there was no need for her to try and embarrass her partner and make it awkward for his friends.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 14/11/2022 13:47

Unless you held an all night rave and the visitors were the King and Queen, I doubt your house was such a mess as to not want visitors?

We often have people pop round. My neighbours will swing by, my best mate will call if she's in my area, my Mum will pop in. I never wear make up at home, even if I have Teams meetings for work, and I figure if my friends cant bear to see my house with a bit of laundry knocking about and the dishwasher needing to be done, well, they're not friends I would want around to be honest.

You seem to forget that it is his house too, you cant overrule each other. You can have a discussion to mediate an agreement between you like adults.

You were shockingly rude to his friends, I can't believe you call your partner upstairs to tell him off, when he had his friends with him. Dreadful behaviour on your part.

NurseBernard · 14/11/2022 14:12

It boggles me why you didn’t just go upstairs and have your DP tell them you were asleep.

He could have had his friends over (what he wanted), and you could have been hidden out of harm’s way (what you wanted, and I’m certain, in hindsight, what he wanted).

Win <> win.

Why didn’t you just do that, instead of completely embarrassing him?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/11/2022 14:14

I'd feel embarrassed too op.
I'd not be happy but I wouldn't be incandescent.
I'd invite them over for dinner after tidying up and having a shower

Lily4444 · 14/11/2022 17:50

Personally I think unexpected visitors are just bad mannered - why do they assume that you’re not doing anything and have nothing better to do then entertain them?

KarenandFour · 14/11/2022 17:54

I don’t mind unexpected visitors so yabu and a complete overreaction

Toomuchtrouble4me · 14/11/2022 17:54

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/11/2022 00:16

YANBU.

I hate people who drop in / invite themselves. They deserved the vibe.

They didn’t - her partner invited them and they’d never met new GF before, and then op was rude. Chill out op.

AbreathofFrenchair · 14/11/2022 17:55

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 13/11/2022 01:00

I often do night shifts & I would not be happy if a friend called & wanted to come round & introduce a new partner ! I say you wouldn’t go to a friends at 3am & expect a welcome.

But her partner whose friend it was and who had been working nights was happy for his friend to come round?

Why does OP get to decide who comes round and when? Her partner can decide surely and take any consequence that arise from that?

And as for the summoning him upstairs to have a go at home and being incadessant with rage.....she needs to get a grip

Solonge · 14/11/2022 17:59

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

If you want to be the 'type' that is cool with people popping over....then be that person. Its not difficult. If you werent cool with it, then I would have told my boyfriend to not do that again, that you want notice...blah blah...but to make the couple feel unwelcome by being unfriendly isnt really ok....it was up to your DH to say not a great time come over later...instead you made friends uncomfy, something they wont forget.

BettySwallocks · 14/11/2022 18:00

You have embarrassed him and you were rude.
HOWEVER, he deserved to be embarrassed because he allowed it to happen.
They or rather the mate deserves your rudeness because he was out of order

Notmrsfitz · 14/11/2022 18:02

Bit of an over reaction tbh.
10 mins quick tidy round to make the living room presentable and you could have excused yourself with a headache after saying Hi.

instead you’ve made the situation awkward.

Shaniice · 14/11/2022 18:06

Yanbu there’s one thing I can’t stand and that’s people inviting themselves over

YDBear · 14/11/2022 18:07

"just popping round to introduce his new girlfriend"-- is this really a thing? I can imagine such an introduction happening in a pub or over a dinner, I just can't imagine actually going over to someone's house to do it. kind of like getting a bargain in the sale and coming over to say "look what I got."