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Original poster

Fuming over unexpected visitors

254 replies

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 00:12

My partner works nights & was sleeping today, I had been out all morning & was lying on the sofa, tired after a hard week at work, not having tackled any housework yet.
I hear my partner's phone ringing upstairs & he comes downstairs announcing that his mate had just called & would be round in 10 minutes to introduce us to his new girlfriend.
I said no it's not a good time & to put him off until later when we could have a tidy up & welcome them properly.
I was overruled so I stomped upstairs. I was embarrassed at the state of the place & we had no time to tidy or get changed & my partner was bleary eyed havingbeen woken up. I heard them come in then my partner apologise for the state of the place, I called him upstairs & told him I was really pissed off, they picked up the obvious vibe & left after ten minutes.
I'm so cross & upset. I'm a very welcoming person with notice & enjoy entertaining, cooking etc for people.
Was I wrong to be incandescent with rage (I'm tired & hormonal as well plus I looked a mess, another reason why I didn't want to see anyone).
Now my partner is saying I'm a crazy devil & that I've embarrassed him. Did I overreact & how do I learn to be 'relaxed & cool' with friends 'popping round' with barely any notice? This isn't the first time this has happened.

OP posts:
BettyOBarley · 13/11/2022 09:38

It would have pissed me off as I don't like unexpected visitors but I wouldn't have behaved like that.

starfishmummy · 13/11/2022 09:40

It's your DPs home too. He's allowed visitors if he wants...

Original poster
Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:43

CaronPoivre I'm certainly not lazy, had been out very early in the morning cleaning elderly parent's home. With two hours travelling- probably contributed to my exhaustion.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 13/11/2022 09:46

I no longer allow any guests (havent had guests in 10 years) in my house

That sounds so sad. I assume that you never accept invitations to anyone else's house either @mam0918?

No one I have ever met is bearface wearing lipstick,

Loads of people do. I often just put a bit of lippy on to go shopping. I have pale lips and good skin and can get away with just wearing lipstick, and maybe a bit of blusher.

Original poster
Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:46

PuzzledObserver
You're right, the situation could have been avoided if he had not overruled me, and that is the issue here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:52

LittleOwlorNot
What do you mean? Why would I have gone to the trouble of posting something that upset me if it wasn't genuine?
I don't understand what you mean by 'Mumsnet Phrases'

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 13/11/2022 09:57

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:46

PuzzledObserver
You're right, the situation could have been avoided if he had not overruled me, and that is the issue here.

So you were happy to overrule him and don’t think that’s an issue, but don’t like it when he overrules you?

Sitdownnigel · 13/11/2022 09:59

Downdaysoon · 13/11/2022 08:53

You don’t need to learn to be okay with people popping in. It’s your home. Your boyfriend should have had enough respect to ask you first.

No, you don’t ‘need’ to learn anything………if you’re happy to go through life feeling and behaving like a toddler.
The attitude of ‘this is how I feel, and even though it’s unreasonable, I expect everyone around me to accommodate my feelings’, drives me mad.
Sorry, I’ve derailed, but happy to see that the OP has realised she was being unreasonable!

Overgrowngrasslady · 13/11/2022 09:59

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:46

PuzzledObserver
You're right, the situation could have been avoided if he had not overruled me, and that is the issue here.

Wow that’s bad. Such a controlling statement. Who died and made you god of the house? You don’t get to treat people this way. And your”exhaustion” is no excuse to treat people like shit.

ahunf · 13/11/2022 10:04

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:46

PuzzledObserver
You're right, the situation could have been avoided if he had not overruled me, and that is the issue here.

😮

Original poster
Trianglio · 13/11/2022 10:05

sammylady37
Good point! I'm a twit not seeing how ironic that sounds

OP posts:
Overgrowngrasslady · 13/11/2022 10:07

Trianglio · 13/11/2022 09:46

PuzzledObserver
You're right, the situation could have been avoided if he had not overruled me, and that is the issue here.

It’s also an abusive statement. If he’d done what I wanted I’d not have behcdd badly. He made me do it.

This sort of thing is death by a thousand cuts in a relationship. You see it time and again, then when the relationship ends they say but I’ve been nothing but loving. When no you’re being controlling and judgemental, his friend can stay out as late as he wishes, being judgey, controlling and unwelcoming is a self fulfilling prophecy waiting to happen.

Vikinga · 13/11/2022 10:12

Are you happy hosting this friend most weekends? If you are then I wouldn't worry about the state of your house as he sees it all the time and knows what it is normally like.

If you're not then you need to have a word with your boyfriend.

Tidsleytiddy · 13/11/2022 10:16

I too am a sociable introvert and would be fuming if anyone knocked on my door uninvited. I like my own space and I would feel invaded. I like time to prepare. I like the house to be tidy. I like to be ready.

PinkPanther50 · 13/11/2022 10:19

Your title is wrong. Your visitors weren’t unexpected. They had called and your partner said yes. I hate that people expect to have a whole weeks notice before a ‘friend’ pops in. I’m the person that just pops in when I’m passing or have the time. (And similarly my friends are the same) But then again I’m there to see my real friend, not the one that has the perfectly tidy house, the immaculate hairdo, and pristine clothes. You probably need to look more to your own insecurities and work on them. If people are your friends they really don’t care if your house is a mess, they will like you for being you

Coffeepot72 · 13/11/2022 10:20

I too am a sociable introvert and would be fuming if anyone knocked on my door uninvited. I like my own space and I would feel invaded. I like time to prepare. I like the house to be tidy. I like to be ready.

I consider myself sociable and like hosting … when I’ve had time to prepare!

Brigante9 · 13/11/2022 10:21

My DH is on nights this weekend and his phone is off. I can’t understand why he left his phone on.

I can’t believe you sulked upstairs and called him up, making him leave his friend downstairs feeling awkward, that’s so poor.

parlourb · 13/11/2022 10:21

Definitely not unreasonable. I would be fuming as well.

Coffeepot72 · 13/11/2022 10:24

I think I would have gone out and left DH to it - if he’s daft enough to agree to the visit!

BellePeppa · 13/11/2022 10:32

Coffeepot72 · 13/11/2022 10:20

I too am a sociable introvert and would be fuming if anyone knocked on my door uninvited. I like my own space and I would feel invaded. I like time to prepare. I like the house to be tidy. I like to be ready.

I consider myself sociable and like hosting … when I’ve had time to prepare!

The hosting would have just been a cup of tea and a biscuit wouldn’t it? If someone’s popping round at ten minutes notice to introduce a new gf there’s no expectation to start hosting a dinner party or something.

neverbeenskiing · 13/11/2022 10:34

How dare you try to stop dp seeing his own friends in his own house when he wants to? Its absolutely nothing to do with you.

Surely being in a co-habiting relationship involves a degree of compromise? I don't consider who my DH invites into our home and when "absolutely nothing to do with" me, because it's my home too. According to some on this thread that makes me "controlling" and "abusive" but most people I know IRL would call it having basic consideration for your partner.
He doesn't need my permission to have friends over and I don't need his, but we do generally have the courtesy to think about whether our plans might impact on the other person. OP wasn't trying to stop her DP seeing his friends, that's an exaggeration, she just wanted a bit of notice so she could get changed and tidy round. She knows she behaved badly, she's owned up to that. But all this could have been avoided if her DH had checked with her before agreeing for people to turn up and then said "I've just woken up so can you give us an hour?"

LimeTwists · 13/11/2022 10:37

They are rude if they think they can give ten minutes’ notice before turning up at someone’s house. If people are busy / not in the mood / want to clear things away, they should have the opportunity to invite people over at a time that suits them too. However, if they asked if it was ok (rather than telling him they were en route) and your partner said yes then he’s unreasonable and thoughtless for pushing on with it when you clearly weren’t happy.

neverbeenskiing · 13/11/2022 10:46

I’m the person that just pops in when I’m passing or have the time...You probably need to look more to your own insecurities and work on them.

So because you're the type of person that likes to turn up at other people's homes unannounced, anyone who doesn't appreciate that needs to work on themselves?

I don't like people turning up unannounced and I don't drop in unannounced on others, because I think it's rude. I wouldn't assume that because I happen to be "passing or have the time" at that moment the other person should drop everything. If you and your friends are fine with it, that's great. My friends all prefer to plan things in advance and I wouldn't describe any of them as "insecure".

crumpet · 13/11/2022 10:52

The point is you wanted to punish him for overruling you - but you chose to do so in a way that punished the guests (who had done nothing wrong) as well - this is the part that was not OK.

crumpet · 13/11/2022 10:53

There was nothing at all wrong in them asking to come round - they were not the ones in the wrong here. They wouldn’t have come if the answer had been no.

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