To sat no to MIL at Christmas

[Hyggerama]

She is visiting us just now, before today we hadn't seen her since the beginning of 2020 when DD was a baby. DD will be 3 soon and we also have baby DS. Dh and MIL are usually LC.

MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine. I popped out through our gate to say a quick hi to a neighbour who was in his garden, she followed me all the way! After playing in the garden I was walking towards our bins carrying DS to put something small in, she actually followed me to the bins rather than going inside the house.

All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises.

She doesn't know DS's name, she called him 'the little boy'. Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked. I'm neither encouraging or stopping the children from interacting with her and I let them just do what they feel comfortable with.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas, which would mean a minimum 4 day stay because of the trains. He's not being the best host atm, he's playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us. I would happily accommodate a 2 day stay but 4 days would just be too much for me, and probably the DC too!

I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone.

To say no (chubby fingers...)

Why wouldn't you encourage your children to have a relationship with their Granny? Poor woman sounds very anxious and somehow I'm not surprised.

Say no to Christmas.

But right now, put a rocket up your DH.

“I’m nipping out for a bit/going for a bath/having an early night. Sure you two have lots to talk about. And tomorrow I’m going for a long walk with my friend so you and MIL are looking after the kids. Sure she’s longing to spend some quality time with you all.”

I can’t see that she’s done anything bad at all. Remember these are her grandkids and she has barely been able to see them since their birth due to Covid. You have a DH problem, he should be entertaining his own mum.

You seem to be judging her for not speaking much English but perhaps you have no idea what prevented her from learning.

Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked.

Why would you say this is a small mercy? Poor woman, it sounds like a hostile environment for her.

Get your husband off his ass and his phone.

@silverclock222 isn't that my husband's job? It's his mother and they can both speak the same language. MIL is a virtual stranger to the DC just now, I don't want to force them to do something they're not comfortable with, hence DD saying no to a hug. She's just very intense and doesn't realise that the children don't know her at all.

Tell your DH to pull his finger out now.

2 days around Christmas is plenty. Make this clear to your DH also

Probably not her fault but she’s hard work, you don’t have to turn yourself into a doormat

God what a cow she is.

From what you say your MIL sounds like she is trying to spend time with you.

I would encourage your DH, kids and MIL to spend time together. Alternatively do some nice things together.

You say you have a son, remember you too will be MIL to a daughter in law who might think the same about you.

This. Say to him unless he steps up to host her properly this weekend then you won't even consider Christmas as an option.

If they aren't particularly close then Christmas is quite an intense experience to invite her for. Would she be alone if not with you? What did she do before 2022?

Once she leaves, tell him truthfully you found that really difficult because she was hovering, following you etc. Tell him you can't do that for Christmas, it will make the experience stressful for you and you'd prefer she came after for a shorter stay so you can all get used to staying together. It's not about it being his mother as you'd feel the same if any guest was doing that.

On the flip side, it will be important for you all to see her more regularly so this awkward, uncomfortable phase dissipates and her visits become more natural and relaxed.

Buy her a subscription to a language course/app for Christmas?

“Buy her a subscription to a language course/app for Christmas?”

This is really insensitive. I hope it’s a joke

I feel for her, she’s hardly doing anything wrong trying to form a bond somehow with her grandchildren

@Meraas more like she hasn't bothered with her grandchildren, we've not had a single Christmas/Birthday card/present. She has facetimed with DD once in these past 3ish years.

She has gone abroad to long trips and goes away with her friends all the time. It's not covid I'd say.

she hasn’t done anything wrong?
However, your husband is a problem. Get him to host her and interact with the kids.

Children should always be allowed to say no to a hug. That's basic.

Apart from that she sounds tiring to be around but otherwise harmless, and your DH should be doing more to entertain her when he is not working.

I'm missing the issue. She's a little overbearing but my dd would love the constant attention. Why are your kids always crying?

You're not a doormat. You lack resilience to let one person affect your life so much. Tell your husband to make more effort.

all the more reason to say yes to Christmas then surely?

Does she celebrate Christmas usually? Some cultures aren’t big on these things. My kids grandparents never bought any of these things for the kids. Just the way things are in their culture rather than them being mean.

Maybe she feels more welcome with her friends? Maybe presents aren’t a big deal in her culture?

Yours is a home where her idiot son hides from her and her daughter in law calls it a small mercy because her child doesn’t want to hug his grandmother.

Why? Maybe it will help her with having a relationship with her grandchildren. Always a few posters on here desperate to be offended on behalf of someone else!

It sounds excruciating for your MIL.

Your DH thinks he might invite his parents for Christmas. Maybe they’ll decline his offer?

MN is full of posters hating their in laws. I can’t see what your MIL did wrong in this scenario. She played with her GC, followed you to the bin and doesn’t have good English. It appears she is doing her best to form a relationship with her GC and their mum, now that covid rules are no longer prominent.

What is it you are not comfortable with OP? If it’s a 4 day stay have a conversation with DH and come to a compromise before he speaks to his parents

She's lived in the country for over 30 years but still can't speak the language? Why not!

@Darbs76 not sure if she actually celebrates Christmas normally. DH says that they didn't do anything for Christmas when he was little, but we have spent some Christmasses with her before when we lived in DH's hometown, so basically we organised everything.

She has apparently had weekly English lessons for years. I know other people from her community who also don't speak perfect English but they're more sociable than her so quite easy to get along with. I know she's trying to make a huge effort with the DC but it's just so intense.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall from what DH has told me she only socialises and works with other people from her community. She's got a translator when she sees a GP etc and DH did a lot of translating and helping when he was young, so basically she's never really had to learn English.