To sat no to MIL at Christmas

[Hyggerama]

She is visiting us just now, before today we hadn't seen her since the beginning of 2020 when DD was a baby. DD will be 3 soon and we also have baby DS. Dh and MIL are usually LC.

MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine. I popped out through our gate to say a quick hi to a neighbour who was in his garden, she followed me all the way! After playing in the garden I was walking towards our bins carrying DS to put something small in, she actually followed me to the bins rather than going inside the house.

All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises.

She doesn't know DS's name, she called him 'the little boy'. Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked. I'm neither encouraging or stopping the children from interacting with her and I let them just do what they feel comfortable with.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas, which would mean a minimum 4 day stay because of the trains. He's not being the best host atm, he's playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us. I would happily accommodate a 2 day stay but 4 days would just be too much for me, and probably the DC too!

I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone.

From you posts OP, I don't think anyone's behaviour in this situation is great - MIL, DH or you.

It's not a great example to set for the DC all round.

Could you not be the bigger person here and be around a bit more over Xmas rather than organising playdates etc? It is the season of giving.

The problem is the DH quite clearly.

The OP has arranged to go out as that is the only way she won’t be left hosting MIL while DH sits on his phone/laptop.

If the Dh could be relied on to pull his finger out, be sociable and do the bulk of chatting to his mum, ensuring she’s not being weird with the kids etc then this wouldn’t be necessary. But he’s shown he can’t be relied on to do that.

I do think it is quite odd for two adults to go out to a panto without taking DD though. I think you should allow DD to go to the panto - she’d probably enjoy it.

On the other hand I would re think your Christmas day plan. In your shoes I would offer to do the cooking as that means DH has to look after DC and MIL. If DH is doing the cooking he’ll use that as a get out from being sociable with MIL.

@LookItsMeAgain , yes of course ex pats should learn Spanish if they've moved to Spain - it's just rude not to.
Tbh I don't understand why anyone would want to spend their whole lives in a country where they can't communicate with the majority. So limiting not to be able to even go to a doctor without having someone there to translate for you.

I am glad you have found a plan. I hope it works for you all.

It really is not acceptable for your OH to tell you he does not like being around his Mum, and definitely not alone together. It is often difficult having a visitor to stay (even if it is someone you love dearly, disrupting your usual routines, but pulling together as a family to help it go smoothly is what needs to happen and this includes OH - especially as it is his mother! He really is some sort of wimp to dump it all on you. And he is sending an unacceptable message to his children about the status of older people.

You need clarity for future visits, so he knows he cannot just duck out.

Every minute of Christmas planned to the minute - your DH sent off on his own with his mum. Sounds like a shit time to me. If a kid can't break the nap routine at Christmas, well that's just odd.

Did you even read the thread? The OP has told DH to take MIL off somewhere because she can't actually talk to anyone else in the house and if she is in the house, she follows the OP around like a lost sheep while DH plays games on his phone. Too right, I'd be ordering him to take her somewhere and spend some of his time entertaining her.

Also, some kids are a screaming mess if they miss their nap. If the OP takes a cranky overtired child to the panto who whines and cries and ruins it for everyone, everyone will judge her for that instead. Mothers literally cannot win sometimes.

@MrsDooDaa it's not the season of giving up my mental health though. If she's here for 3 nights and I'm taking DC for a playdate with a close friend that's hardly stopping her from spending time with the DC.

When DD was a newborn I had to do the same thing and invent reasons just to escape the house with DD. MIL is harmless but socially awkward and a bit exhausting to be with, her own children say that so it's not just my opinion.

It should be H's job to reign her in if she becomes OTT with the DC, but if I can't trust him to do that so I need to take DC out so that we can all get a breather.

Can you imagine a guest who never leaves you alone, who sits with you awkwardly all day, stalks your children and won't go to bed until you do? She won't entertain herself by reading a book or going to the guest room to take a nap etc. H might come from a different culture but I have my own culture too, and anyone from my culture would find that kind of a guest exhausting.

@greenteafiend someone who understands where I'm coming from, thank you! I love Christmas and I should be able to enjoy it without feeling anxious and awkward all the time.

Sorry to make light, but your whole situation is REALLY reminding me of the Father Ted episode where Father Stone comes to stay for an indefinite period....

Well done @Hyggerama - good for you standing up for yourself and actually, this sounds like a good compromise- DH gets him mum staying for Christmas, which was what he wanted, and you get time to yourself (with kids.)

LOL at the idea that you’re being ‘uptight.’ You’re standing up for yourself when your husband has tried to walk all over you and disregarded your feeling & preferences. Not uptight, just not a doormat.

I'm glad you've got things sorted, but this stood out to me:

Can you imagine a guest who never leaves you alone, who sits with you awkwardly all day, stalks your children and won't go to bed until you do? She won't entertain herself by reading a book or going to the guest room to take a nap etc. H might come from a different culture but I have my own culture too, and anyone from my culture would find that kind of a guest exhausting.

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I wouldn't start reading a book, or popping out, or going for a nap, if I was round someone's house. Or I might occasionally if I was feeling claustrophobic, but I'd feel very rude doing so.

When I've had guests to stay, bar perhaps then going out for a run, or popping to the shop to buy some extra snacks to share, we tend to stick together, stay up late chatting/playing games etc. I've never had a guest start reading, or going up for a nap.

Good luck OP and stick to your guns. Ignore all the judgemental posts and the ones that claim to know all about your MIL.🙄
Happy Christmas.

Absolutely Somuch, I wouldn't even have thought that I could (politely) go off for a quiet nap or to read my book (however much I might have enjoyed doing that!). If they were all staying together for a week or more, that might be different, but any generally healthy adult should be able to manage a relative for 3 or 4 nights, even if that guest becomes the hosts shadow for those 3 or 4 days!

I do think that the OP should ask her husband (as he does speak his mother"s tongue) to make sure that his mum knows to make herself at home, including some time to herself if she wants it. As for it being over Christmas time, my personal beliefs are that for adults Christmas is much more about giving than receiving - especially of ones time and love.

Just a different POV. After my paternal grandfather died my family and my aunties took turns to host my grandmother over Christmas. Of course we loved her and we had known her our whole lives, but she was a very anxious person and critical person and the atmosphere would instantly change when she went home and we could actually relax. She only lived 30 min away but preferred to stay overnight. Just saying that hosting older relatives doesn't automatically create magical Christmas memories for children.

Well MIL is coming now so I'll just have to deal with it the best way I can whilst trying to find some Christmas joy.

Obviously my comments have been met with a lot of criticism and I wonder how different it would have been if I hadn't mentioned that MIL was from a different culture and didn't speak much English?

If I had simply said that DH doesn't like MIL and doesn't enjoy her company, she's only seen us once in the past 3 years and doesn't know our son's name but she thinks she's granny of the year and constantly follows our DD when she's finally seeing her. She's socially inept and awkward and I can't have a normal conversation with her but DH has invited her for 4 days over Christmas because he thinks it'll be nice for her. Would I be U R to be pissed off?

@Somuchgoo I would assume that your Christmas guests are people that you enjoy spending time with, you want to spend time with and you can easily have a chat with? None of these things applies in my situation.

We can't chat or play games, I can't take my baby son to play outside without MIL breathing down my neck and I can't have any privacy with DH. I don't think he's actually thought about that. Our DC are great sleepers now and evenings would be a time for us to enjoy each other's company since he won't be working for change. That won't be happening with MIL sitting next to us the whole time.

Not necessarily.
My guests, sure. But my husband family, friends etc, aren't always people I would choose to spend time with.

If they are in my house, as guests of the family, it doesn't matter whether they are my best friend or someone I barely tolerate. They are our guests and I would assume they would be with me (or someone else in the household) the vast majority of the time.

YTA.

You are acting hostile and unwelcoming seemingly because she cannot speak English. She sounds loving and seems to be making a real effort to connect by making herself available.

I suspect you are the reason the kids are having trouble connecting to her because kids always know when their parents don't like someone and it's obvious you have extreme distaste for this poor woman.

I don't see why her being unable to speak english and loving being near your kids when in town is a problem and I certainly don't get why 4 days at Xmas is an issue from what you're describing. Maybe you should give your family some space while you get yourself sorted.

To be fair mil isn't really being weird given the language barrier. DIL just doesn't like her because of it and is painting the efforts to connect without language as weird probably due to inexperience with this sort of situation.

But the issue is her intolerance of nonverbal communication, like affection clicking. My did used to click at me and we didn't have a language block, so her assertions of "weird" are just inexperience.

I think it's unhealthy to demonize ppl for not speaking our language as this post and some of the comments are doing.

@Jimzle thanks for the insight, have you read any of my posts?

I have never been unwelcoming nor hostile towards her. Yes I complain about her on an anonymous discussion forum but in RL I'm capable of being polite to a person I'm not particularly fond of. I don't need to be best friends with her and my husband said that he doesn't like his own mum. The fact that she can't speak English just makes it more awkward because it's hard to communicate. I know plenty of people who don't speak perfect English, but they are sociable people who are easy to get on with. Dh says he finds her awkward even when they speak the same language.

Making an effort to connect with children you don't know doesn't mean stalking them and trying to hug them and force them to interact with you. Rome wasn't built in a day, she can't force a loving bond with young children in the space of a few days. Children are also entitled to their personal space and DH should be reminding his mum to follow DD's lead in this.

@Jimzle this DIL doesn't like MIL's behaviour because because MIL has a history of not understanding personal boundaries.

1. Bursting into my bedroom at 2am whilst I'm half naked trying to breastfeed a crying baby. If I had needed help I would have asked my husband.

1. Refusing to hand my baby back to me when she was crying and clearly needed a feed when I had asked repeatedly.

1. Creeping in the corridor outside my bedroom whilst I was trying to nap with my newborn. I know this because I heard her steps and heard her stopping right outside the door for several minutes.

1. Sitting right next to me on the sofa and openly staring at me whilst I was breastfeeding, staring the entire time. We had two sofas, she didn't have to sit right next to me.

1. Making weird clicking noises to baby DS and standing right behind me whilst I'm playing with him in the swing. Why didn't she just speak to him in her native language if she didn't know how to interact with him in English? I never speak to him in English.

Tell me that you would have no reservations about your MIL if she behaved like this?

Wow, that’s a nasty response.

I care what OP does to the extent I care about any AIBU thread.

It’s not at all clear that it is possible for OP to develop a meaningful and positive connection between her DC and her MiL. Her MiL hasn’t made the effort and her DH isn’t making the effort. It can be a struggle to balance your own needs against those of everyone else in your family, but when no one else is getting it together, martyring yourself and making your own life miserable isn’t a net improvement on the situation, or fair to yourself.

This reads like all you've taken from the thread is they haven't seen MIL in 3 years, and you've just then made some shit up!

And you think OP has welcomed her DC’s grandmother into their lives because….? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@FinnysTail - your post is a personal attack on the OP, in my opinion. I didn't once get the impression that the OP thought herself as the perfect DiL.

And the evidence the MIL has welcomed the OP into her life?...