To sat no to MIL at Christmas

[Hyggerama]

She is visiting us just now, before today we hadn't seen her since the beginning of 2020 when DD was a baby. DD will be 3 soon and we also have baby DS. Dh and MIL are usually LC.

MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine. I popped out through our gate to say a quick hi to a neighbour who was in his garden, she followed me all the way! After playing in the garden I was walking towards our bins carrying DS to put something small in, she actually followed me to the bins rather than going inside the house.

All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises.

She doesn't know DS's name, she called him 'the little boy'. Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked. I'm neither encouraging or stopping the children from interacting with her and I let them just do what they feel comfortable with.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas, which would mean a minimum 4 day stay because of the trains. He's not being the best host atm, he's playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us. I would happily accommodate a 2 day stay but 4 days would just be too much for me, and probably the DC too!

I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone.

We only have the OP's opinion regarding the level of English of the MIL. Maybe it's not that bad and she simply sounds foreign. Or her hearing is not good and sometimes she has not heard rather than not have understood. I have that issue and it's infuriating when my son assumes I have not understood when the reality is that I have not heard something

I understand OP, I can see your point. Sometimes MILs find it really hard as they don't want to be in the way or over step boundaries. Also it can then look like not caring.
She seems to be trying her best when he is there. I'd be more worried if she ignored DC.
DH being more proactive would help matters so everything doesn't rest on you, it might feel less intense then.

It sounds like she's doing nothing wrong and your just making it hard for her. She probably feels pushed away hence her being a try hard and probably why she's following yous around.

Be kinder, she is your childrens grandparent

*when she is there (not he)

Why haven’t your dc learnt to speak their fathers cultural language as well as their mothers? Surely parents provide their dc with knowledge of both their birth cultures?

@FinnysTail Or maybe OP could learn DH and MIL language too? I did that with mine so it was less awkward. The children then feel connected to their other culture.

@FinnysTail that is on DH, I don't speak MIL's language so it's up to him. He says that he feels he doesn't speak it very well anymore because he only speaks it very occasionally now, so he feels much more comfortable speaking English to them.

As it happens DD is bilingual because I'm bilingual, but I've worked really hard to teach her.

Hmmm, I don’t know, OP. I can understand that it must feel suffocating for you but you have a DH problem not a MIL problem. Classic situation where DH invites his relatives over and leaves all the entertaining to you. He could easily translate between his mother and the children and encourage the bonding but he chooses not to.
I would and have felt frustrated by the situation, too but one day your children will grow up and may feel the sadness of not having had a close relationship with their grandmother.
I always think how one day I will be a MIL to my DS’s wife and I will be on the sidelines of his life - my god it hurts to think about it but I hope to get a look in now and then.

She's following the kids around because she hasn't seen them for nearly 3 years she's probably been pining to see them. I pine for mine if I go so much as 3 weeks without seeing them, so try coming at this with a bit more empathy. Yes, it might be hard work (your DH has to take some control here and tbh needs a kick up the jacksie) but just be a bit kinder, you might be in the same position one day.

Makes clicking noises? Is your DS a pony?

Why hasn't she bothered to learn English? If she could speak your children's language she might be able to form a relationship. I think having her at Christmas would make things awkward, I'd probably invite her between Xmas and New year for a couple of days but I'd make sure your husband was doing the hosting, not expecting you to entertain her when you can't even communicate.

I would tell your DH that whether or not she visits at or after (preferably after) Christmas, is entirely down to how he carries on in the next 2 days with his mother. Don't expand on that. If he doesn't get the message, then it's a no. Also, if and when she does visit in future, if she doesn't speak to the children, then the visits stop too. They are not animals, they don't respond to clicking or whatever she is doing. She speaks to them and they will do their best to reply to her. They would be the terms I would lay out for him and for her, but mainly for him.

It may well be a joke but I have little patience with people, usually women, who have lived in this country for 30 years but can't speak the language although I do know from experience that that's not always been their choice.
Before we get the usual, I lived abroad and did learn the language.

If you and DH had no interest in teaching dc their cultural language you have no business complaining that their GM doesn’t speak their language.

It works both ways.

Whatever, I still can’t see what your MIL did that was so wrong, especially when nobody is able to converse in the same language.

Dh and MIL are usually LC.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas

So why are they LC and what's changed to make him think inviting her for Christmas is a good idea?

Tell him it's a discussion between you and him, he doesn't get to issue the invitation and then expect you to do all the work. If he's been on his phone or 'working' since she arrived tell him it's a no to Christmas unless while she's here this time he proves that he can and will step up.

Second hand offence is common on MN!

'Their language' is the language of the country in which she chooses to live, not just the grandchildren's language.

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem. But surely the language she speaks is your DH mother tongue so the kids speak it too?

You've married someone from a different culture, but you sound as if you don't want to make any concession to that. It must be incredibly awkward for your MIL if she doesn't speak much English and your DH/her son is not making an effort to include her. She may of course be a totally inconsiderate pain in the a* , but by making it about the language difference it reads as if you are not being very hospitable. Do you speak any words of her language? Will your DH teach your children? Try and put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You can't just edit her out of your life because she's not English - she's your children's granny.

I can't imagine living somewhere for thirty years and not learning the language.

How did it happened that she came now? Was it her initiative, your DHs, or yours? (Not suggesting it is wrong, just interested). Practically no contact in 3 years is strange. Did DH visited her?

I agree that 4 days over the Christmas would be too much.

DH needs to step up, both in facilitating the contact online and in actually spending the time when she is there. If none of them put in any effort, it won't work.

I know. Its the most patronising thing I can think of. I always assume these people search desperatly for their chance to say "I think you'll find thats offensive"

If you're on aibu you can pretty much handle yourself!

Assuming your husband speaks the same language as his mother then surely he should really be assisting with that barrier when she's visiting?

FFS. Why does MIL need to learn English? She’s obviously an older person. Maybe her DIL and grandchildren could learn the language?

My grandparents spoke Dutch. Us grandchildren didn’t. But we managed to understand each other and form relationships. Kids are amazing in those situations. I remember giving my opa a tutorial on E.T. using cards and lots of exaggerated hand motions. I also had him listen to guns n roses and Richard Marx but that’s a thread on its own.

Ive learnt to appreciate all who have my children’s best interests at heart. I don’t judge and start fucking threads on mumsnet.

I can't imagine living somewhere for thirty years and not learning the language maybe you can't, but plenty of English people do just that. Escape to the Chateau anyone? I can't imagine being married to someone from a different culture and not learning a few basics in their language.