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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sat no to MIL at Christmas

236 replies

Hyggerama · 12/11/2022 21:55

She is visiting us just now, before today we hadn't seen her since the beginning of 2020 when DD was a baby. DD will be 3 soon and we also have baby DS. Dh and MIL are usually LC.

MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine. I popped out through our gate to say a quick hi to a neighbour who was in his garden, she followed me all the way! After playing in the garden I was walking towards our bins carrying DS to put something small in, she actually followed me to the bins rather than going inside the house.

All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises.

She doesn't know DS's name, she called him 'the little boy'. Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked. I'm neither encouraging or stopping the children from interacting with her and I let them just do what they feel comfortable with.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas, which would mean a minimum 4 day stay because of the trains. He's not being the best host atm, he's playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us. I would happily accommodate a 2 day stay but 4 days would just be too much for me, and probably the DC too!

I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone.

OP posts:
Barkin2themoon · 12/11/2022 22:51

Have you considered that maybe you should get a grip , be a grown up and work out what’s best for your children in this situation, possibly tell your other half to grow a pair and work together to make the situation work best for you as a family ?

FlamingBells · 12/11/2022 22:51

Your dh should gradually build up a relationship with your mil & dc with WhatsApp video calls. Short video calls little and often to build up familiarity before the next visit.

I think you're also being unreasonable because covid prevented visits. Normal relationships were paused & you can't expect your kids to know their granny immediately. It sounds like you're proud that your kids cry when your mil wants to hold them. It's almost as if you don't want them to have a relationship with her.

You're being unnecessarily hostile & unsympathetic towards your mil. Does your dh treat your family the same way I wonder?

EL8888 · 12/11/2022 22:53

What was the story with the 3 year gap? Big disagreement or cantbearseditis by her? No to the 4 days at Christmas. Sounds too much like hard work and like your OH won’t step up. So more of his hiding in his phone and not getting involved

EL8888 · 12/11/2022 22:53

PS why doesn’t she know her grandsons name?!

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/11/2022 22:53

She hasn’t seen you since 2020. Are you in the UK? If so, hardly surprising, is it? Maybe give her a break?

FlissyPaps · 12/11/2022 22:54

What is the actual reason for the LC between DH and his mother?

Sounds like a very strange and sad situation.

VillageCottageEmo · 12/11/2022 22:56

Does your DH speak his mother’s native language? If so, why isn’t he teaching your DC?

ExH doesn’t know his mother’s native language, because his Dad is a bullying bastard who wouldn’t allow it Hmm But our DDs are pretty much at native level in it as ExMIL mostly speaks to them using it, and I took the time to learn it too, although I’m still very clunky with it and not even close to native.

Even after we split up, I carried on, because after ExMILs mother died, I knew she wouldn’t have anyone to use it with any more, which made it more important for DDs to learn it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/11/2022 23:00

Those kids you love with all your heart will have partners one day, how will you feel if they block you seeing your grandchildren at Christmas. You should be encouraging a good relationship,she sounds very anxious. Your beef should be with your dh to make the experience run more smoothly.

FinnysTail · 12/11/2022 23:00

JudgeJ · 12/11/2022 22:42

'Their language' is the language of the country in which she chooses to live, not just the grandchildren's language.

Show quote history

My adopted children's birth famiies live in the UK. Their birth families speak English plus the language of their parents. Their GP’s speak English but are not comfortable to hold any meaningful conversation.

My adopted children speak both languages too - so they can converse with their birth families. Was I wrong in allowing them to embrace both their cultural heritages? Or should they be content just speaking English because they live in England?

Is being English more important than the other half of their being??

My own children have duel heritage. They speak both languages. Why wouldn’t they?

unknown10 · 12/11/2022 23:08

She's lived in the UK thirty years but doesn't speak much English, that's through choice

My neighbour is similar, first couple of times I spoke to her she pretended she didn't know I had English then one day when we were putting a fence up she'd became fluent and started talking to us and offered a cup of tea

How can she not know her grandson's name?

She sounds painful

VillageCottageEmo · 12/11/2022 23:08

Exs Grandmother didn’t speak much English. His Grandfather was fluent. He went out to work every day, she stayed at home. Had friends in the community from their country. It wasn’t uncommon back then.

ExMIL was 11 when they moved here, and you wouldn’t think English was her second language at all. She was immersed in it due to going to school.

Not a wild concept, surely?

Abcdefgh1234 · 12/11/2022 23:22

Why you are not trying to learn her languange?. I’m an immigrant and i feel bad for your MIL. I think she trying to be close to you OP. I dont know but i can feel that you bit belittle your MIL. Sorry if i’m wrong.

Untitledsquatboulder · 12/11/2022 23:26

You have a MiL you hardly ever see and on the very few occasions you do see her you can't be arsed and want to see less of her. And the trains to her house apparently only run one way so you can't visit. OK then.

mathanxiety · 12/11/2022 23:29

I think your MIL has early stage alzheimers. Is there a family history?

The following around and not remembering the baby's name might not be social awkwardness. Clicking at the baby is strange. I would wonder if she's begging to decline.

mathanxiety · 12/11/2022 23:31

Beginning to..

oakleaffy · 13/11/2022 00:03

Meraas · 12/11/2022 22:00

I can’t see that she’s done anything bad at all. Remember these are her grandkids and she has barely been able to see them since their birth due to Covid. You have a DH problem, he should be entertaining his own mum.

You seem to be judging her for not speaking much English but perhaps you have no idea what prevented her from learning.

Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked.

Why would you say this is a small mercy? Poor woman, it sounds like a hostile environment for her.

Agree, it sounds really mean to someone who can't speak English.
However, the MIL's son should be entertaining his mum, as presumably it's him she can speak to in her native language.

JonahAndTheSnail · 13/11/2022 00:03

Tricky situation. I'm guessing you didn't have much of a relationship with MIL before your children were born? Does your son have a name that MIL may find difficult to pronounce or similar? I'm guessing she can say your DD's name ok?

I think it's fine to say no to Christmas, especially if your DH hasn't helped make this visit easy on you. I would be supportive of him wanting to build a relationship between his Mum and your children but not actively go overboard to facilitate it if that makes sense?

Thatskindafun · 13/11/2022 00:15

Why are people saying she’s done nothing wrong? She’s not bothered to see your children or even learn your DSs name. How much genuine effort can she be making.

DH is taking the piss basically leaving you to entertain her though
i would 100% say no to Christmas but offer another time

KikiniBamalamm · 13/11/2022 00:15

Sorry but if it was a British person living in a different country not learning the language it’d be all, typical Brit, so ignorant etc.

I’m shocked you can live somewhere for 30 years and not know the basics of a language. I lived in France for a year and by the end could hold conversations because I tried. I find it so rude not to try and integrate in the country you are living. This applies to everyone.

My Grandmother came to this country as an immigrant not knowing a word of English and (according to my Grandfather) was almost fluent in a few years and that was the 60s!

WhoGotYourBlazer · 13/11/2022 00:17

You think it's a small mercy that your children are not close to their grandmum? You can't force these relationships but to be glad that they don't have a relationship is super nasty.

My mil does the hovering around and following as well. And yes, it does get annoying and frustrating but I think you can bare it for a few days. Maybe facilitate them having a bit of a relationship and then she won't be so intense anymore. (Or get your dh too. He shouldn't leave the hosting to you. That is unfair).

You mention quite often that she doesn't speak why English. is is.possible.thwt your dislike is based on prejudice?

fairywhale · 13/11/2022 00:17

LillianGish · 12/11/2022 22:42

You've married someone from a different culture, but you sound as if you don't want to make any concession to that. It must be incredibly awkward for your MIL if she doesn't speak much English and your DH/her son is not making an effort to include her. She may of course be a totally inconsiderate pain in the a* , but by making it about the language difference it reads as if you are not being very hospitable. Do you speak any words of her language? Will your DH teach your children? Try and put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You can't just edit her out of your life because she's not English - she's your children's granny.

That's a lot you've made up here. Enough wokeness please. Always a few.

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 13/11/2022 00:24

I understand that MIL's can be overbearing and undermining, but I'm struggling to see what she's done wrong here?

Meraas · 13/11/2022 00:24

@fairywhale better to be woke than nasty to an old woman. Shame on you.

Fattoushi · 13/11/2022 00:28

Whatever, I still can’t see what your MIL did that was so wrong, especially when nobody is able to converse in the same language

She hasn't bothered to learn her grandsons name.....

Sometimeswinning · 13/11/2022 00:35

To be fair my friend is Spanish. She refers to alot of us as "girl" (I'm 40 and weve been friends for nearly 20 years) Maybe I'm just pretty laid back but I'm OK with it. She knows my name but then she's speaking a whole different language so I don't mention it (I do now and then but she thinks I'm joking so I just go with it.)