To sat no to MIL at Christmas

[Hyggerama]

She is visiting us just now, before today we hadn't seen her since the beginning of 2020 when DD was a baby. DD will be 3 soon and we also have baby DS. Dh and MIL are usually LC.

MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine. I popped out through our gate to say a quick hi to a neighbour who was in his garden, she followed me all the way! After playing in the garden I was walking towards our bins carrying DS to put something small in, she actually followed me to the bins rather than going inside the house.

All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises.

She doesn't know DS's name, she called him 'the little boy'. Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked. I'm neither encouraging or stopping the children from interacting with her and I let them just do what they feel comfortable with.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas, which would mean a minimum 4 day stay because of the trains. He's not being the best host atm, he's playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us. I would happily accommodate a 2 day stay but 4 days would just be too much for me, and probably the DC too!

I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone.

I imagine that future DIL is thinking "please let me not have a MIL who thinks its acceptable to act like the one in OP's posts, and on top of that, feel sorry for her! Please let her at least learn the kids names before complaining that she doesn't see them enough!"

Oddly you don't say you just asked for the baby back. Of course she's going to hold the baby as much as possible, she's the grandmother. My MIL would hold DS as long as she could, then I'd say "can I have him to feed / nappy change / whatever" and she'd hand him back. Being pleasant and communicating what you want works much better than letting someone do things you don't like, saying nothing but erecting a massive fence because of it. You've made her uncomfortable now, and she still doesn't know what to do. I also don't know why you would visit her hometown when she wasn't there, instead of visiting when she is at home, that's just a bit weird and unfriendly. I'm sure she's irritating, but she doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong, it sounds like you just don't like her and it isn't fair to her or your children to let your tastes influence their natural relationship.

@MRex Some posters make things very hard don’t they?

There is no way MIL has lived in the UK for 30 years and doesn’t speak or understand any English. She calls her GS “The Little Boy” so she, obviously, has a basic grasp. She may well not be confident enough to hold a full blown conversation but, “I’ll take baby now to feed and change him MIL. You go and make us a cup of tea” can’t be that difficult surely!

MN is full of posters complaining either their MIL won’t help out at all or they want to help too much.

Some people need to learn to compromise. This MIL sounds as if she really wants a relationship with her GC but is having any obstacle placed in the way. OP sounds very petty.

DH no longer speaks the language he has been brought up with? - A likely story

Please let her at least learn the kids names before complaining that she doesn't see them enough!" Are you being deliberately obtuse? Several posters on here have explained that referring to baby boys as "the little boy" is entirely normal in some cultures. Heaven forbid that you should be chastised one day for addressing a baby as "my darling", "sweetie", "little pickle" or whatever diminutive you feel appropriate or do you only ever refer to babies by their full, unabbreviated and formal moniker?

@LillianGish she didn't know/remember his name, it was very clear. We do call him by his name and had called him by his name several times in front of MIL.

@FinnysTail I did ask to get her back, several times. MIL was holding her and I noticed that DD started rooting, I said I'd take her for a feed but MIL refused. It wasn't until DD started crying that she finally gave her back when I insisted.

She's gone from 0 to a 100, she's not seen her granddaughter for nearly 3 years, no phone calls cards or visits yet she expects DD to instantly bond with her and be comfortable with her. I wish she'd just calm down and get to know the children gently rather than hovering over them constantly.

I've never stopped MIL from visiting us, as i said after Christmas is fine but actual Christmas day might be too intense and make the visit too long.

I realise that I'll be a MIL one day, unless DS I'd gay. He's growing up in a very loving and safe home, unlike DH, and I hope we'll always have a close and loving relationship. If he finds a partner I hope I'll be a kind and respectful MIL who doesn't overstep her DIL's boundaries.

are you? OP is there, she can tell the difference between a term of endearment and person who doesn't actually know his name. Cool your jets and actually read what OP says before deciding poor old MIL must be in the right.

Why doesn't Granny's SON encourage the children to have a relationship with her, instead of sitting on his phone & expecting his wife to facilitate everything?

@MRex we didn't plan visits to avoid her it was a pure coincidence that she happened to have plans for those weekends. I said previously that I'd prefer to visit her so that we wouldn't have her as a house guest here, it would be less intense to meet up with her for lunch etc than having to entertain her whilst both children are napping/sleeping.

My point was that she travels all over the UK with her friends but it's taken her this long to visit us. She expects everyone else to do the work (book train tickets etc) for her rather than putting in the effort herself.

@Hyggerama In that case I can see where you're coming from a bit more. We see our grandkids very frequently, but the effort is two-ways and we have a nice balance.

He's growing up in a very loving and safe home, unlike DH drip, drip, drip. Is this the reason DH is LC with her? This is something entirely separate from not speaking the same language.

Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked

What a nasty thing to say 🙄

I've never stopped MIL from visiting us, as i said after Christmas is fine but actual Christmas day might be too intense and make the visit too long.
I realise that I'll be a MIL one day, unless DS I'd gay. He's growing up in a very loving and safe home, unlike DH, and I hope we'll always have a close and loving relationship. If he finds a partner I hope I'll be a kind and respectful MIL who doesn't overstep her DIL's boundaries

Oh! so now she’s abusive! Massive drip feed there OP.

Instead of defending your DH why don’t you let him know exactly what you need from him? He needs to get off his lazy arse and parent his children.

If he’s a bit rusty conversing in his cultural language he could call his mother weekly and brush up on his language skills.

He can also bring his children up knowing the other side of their heritage. He can start with language, using simple words. “Grandma” would be a good place to start.

Thank God I have a DIL who can actually converse with me when requesting childcare, in the children’s best interest!

Who ?
The OP ?

@Hyggerama It’s never too late to start just because you didn’t bother with them then and you don’t know the reason you’re assuming doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have a relationship with them now
However I would invite her after Christmas just because it’s all so new for Everyone and Xmas should be a time for relaxation , If you really don’t want to have on Christmas Day suggest Boxing Day or New Year’s Eve instead

she I mean not you !

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall GrandMother lived in England for 40 years and could not speak a word of English
My grandfather was overbearing and controlling And didn’t let her out the house, I suspect she Understood some but definitely couldn’t speak English
in some Cultures the woman’s place is in the kitchen and nowhere else
Discovered after they both died that he beat her regularly, It’s not as simple as that. Her friends were women in similar situation to her so no not everyone gets the chance to learn to speak another countries language

It’s ridiculous amount of people on here judging this woman for not knowing English for 30 years
There are a whole host of reasons one of which I’ve outlined above typical little Englander attitude from some people

He's growing up in a very loving and safe home, unlike DH
Why was DH unsafe in a home with her, and is she is "unsafe" then why have her around your children at all?

Massively unreasonable drip feed, or massively unreasonable pretence at a reasonable explanation!

YABU.

Your problem here is more with your DH than MIL. He needs to get off his arse if he wants his DM to visit. Is he always this lazy ?

@MRex DH was taken into care at one point and his sister was fostered by a relative due to issues in the family, draw your own conclusions. We did make an agreement with DH that MIL wouldn't be left completely unsupervised with the DC, not because she's not safe around them but we don't think she'd act appropriately if there was a medical emergency for example. She wouldn't know how to call an ambulance or do first aid if one of the DC started choking for example.

BUT, all you PPs will be glad to know that DH has indeed invited her over for Christmas. That means arriving on Christmas Eve and staying until at least the 27th because of the trains. That's 4 days of her following me around if I'm with the dc, sitting on the sofa without talking and feeling awkward, at least I will feel awkward. MIL will probably feel pretty happy just sitting there but it will feel uncomfortable for me.

I won't be able to take my DC outside to play without her following me and she won't entertain herself by reading or going for a walk etc so we will be sitting in the same room the whole time, unless I go up to my bedroom by myself. DH and I had an almighty row about this, and shamefully in front of the DC because I just couldn't contain myself and burst into tears. He thinks there's no issue and said I'm a horrible person.

I cleaned the house before MIL'S arrival, I got her bed ready and got toiletries ready for her. I've tried to entertain her whilst DH has been working from home this weekend (as he usually does). I've been nice to her and included her in different activities. I will not be doing that for 4 days over Christmas.

Based on your recent update, I'd stay around for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day but try now to make plans to be elsewhere for Boxing Day and 27th. Do you have relatives that you could go to? With the kids? Leave Mil & DH at home?

@LookItsMeAgain my whole family is abroad and I'm a European living in the UK so I can't go anywhere unless I go and stay in a hotel with the DC. The whole point if MIL being here is that she can be with the DC the whole time, hence following me around.

That's such a shame.

Then you simply must tell your DH what you expect from him (once she leaves for this visit) and practice it in the intervening weeks.

The whole point if MIL being here is that she can be with the DC the whole time, hence following me around.

She’ll be with you for four days. Plan yourself something you can do without her, taking the baby with you. Your DH and his mother can take your DD somewhere, or stay at home. I would arrange to see a friend for a walk and a coffee (or just sit in the car with a book).