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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving step children out

246 replies

Esselra · 11/11/2022 19:11

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 11/11/2022 19:13

So he wants to spend the day with his biological children?

Original poster
Esselra · 11/11/2022 19:13

Esselra · 11/11/2022 19:11

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

Forgot to add that child 2&3 have no contact with their bio dad. Since OH and I have been together they have always called him daddy and he used to tell them off (in a jokey way) if they’d call him by his name.

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/11/2022 19:13

Do you ever enjoy or appreciate the time you get with your own biological children without your step child around?

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 11/11/2022 19:13

I think it's fine, as long as you also get to spend time with only your biological child, plus spending time all together. I couldn't get het up about it.

Liorae · 11/11/2022 19:15

Have I blown it out of proportion?
Yes, you have.

AuntieDickhead · 11/11/2022 19:16

YABU.

SudocremOnEverything · 11/11/2022 19:17

In principle, this should be fine. In a blended family, a parent may want to spend time with just their own children. That should be ok.

BUT the bit about how you messaged him not to complain about you suggests some level of hypocrisy. Has he been preventing you from doing things with your children because his child is left out?

if he has, then that is the problem. He doesn’t get to hold you to different standards than he holds himself.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 11/11/2022 19:18

OP near in mind even in a family where all children are from the same parents - it’s totally healthy for a parent to spend 121 with each child and do stuff without the others.

What suspect is your real issue is the insecurity that perhaps he doesn’t see dc 2&3 as really his, and whilst they may not be biologically they are in every other meaningful way.

Don’t get in the way of his 121 with dc1 - she doesn’t live with him anyway. But have a calm and direct conversation about his real feelings towards dc 2&3.

rainonasunnyday · 11/11/2022 19:18

Yabu hth

ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/11/2022 19:19

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

What reason has he had before to accuse you of excluding anyone?

You are never in the position of needing to say that you only want to spend time with your own children in front of child 4. You get that time with them automatically, so it was not a fair, relevant or comparable point.

ILIWYS · 11/11/2022 19:19

I think you're over reacting. Also, your analogy here
"I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

...is not comparable as child 4 is also your biological child!?

Surely it would be OK for you to spend time with child 2,3 and 4 sometimes without child 1?

Original poster
Esselra · 11/11/2022 19:19

Yes with just his biological children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Esselra · 11/11/2022 19:20

No sorry, I meant infront of child 1 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Esselra · 11/11/2022 19:20

Of course I spend time with children 2,3 and 4 alone because they all live with us.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 11/11/2022 19:21

ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/11/2022 19:19

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

What reason has he had before to accuse you of excluding anyone?

You are never in the position of needing to say that you only want to spend time with your own children in front of child 4. You get that time with them automatically, so it was not a fair, relevant or comparable point.

It might have been a reasonable point. It depends on what has actually happened that prompted the OP to respond that way.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to feel the same about all 4 children. Two of them are his children and it isn’t his fault that the other two have a father that abandoned them.

Rtmhwales · 11/11/2022 19:21

Funny how when a step mother posts on here about just wanting to do things with her biological children she's vilified for excluding the step child. But when dad wants to do it, of course that's fine.

Next time your step daughter is there, I suggest you take your three out to do something fun. Or just get Christmas gifts for your three. Your husband can sort himself out in the future (including childcare for his first daughter and 50% for his second daughter) if he wants to treat them differently.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 11/11/2022 19:21

YABU. Given that dc1 lives with her Mum, you must do loads of stuff with your 3 biological dc without including her.

You sound very petty tbh.

Letthekidsplay · 11/11/2022 19:22

Really sad :( he obviously doesn’t consider your children to be his or think of himself as their dad so they basically have no dad - nice guy….

MichelleScarn · 11/11/2022 19:22

So does child 1 ever get to spend time with their df and 'half' sibling on their own? Honestly don't understand why youd grudge that.
Your 2&3 get to live with him and their'half' sibling ALL THE TIME.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 11/11/2022 19:23

Letthekidsplay · 11/11/2022 19:22

Really sad :( he obviously doesn’t consider your children to be his or think of himself as their dad so they basically have no dad - nice guy….

I don't think you can expect someone who isn't a parent to love your children the same way you do. I mean, lovely if they do but you can't expect it.

SudocremOnEverything · 11/11/2022 19:23

Actually, I need to read properly.

of course it’s never a reasonable point. Sometimes we all might say to one of our children that we need to spend time with a sibling. They all need some one on one time.

I suspect the OP can’t imagine that because child 4 is a baby and the other two are twins. Probably quite young twins. So she hasn’t been in the situation.

AliensAteMyHomework · 11/11/2022 19:24

This is exactly why "blending" families for the gratificationof adults is so damaging to children and an utterly selfish thing to do.

MichelleScarn · 11/11/2022 19:24

Rtmhwales · 11/11/2022 19:21

Funny how when a step mother posts on here about just wanting to do things with her biological children she's vilified for excluding the step child. But when dad wants to do it, of course that's fine.

Next time your step daughter is there, I suggest you take your three out to do something fun. Or just get Christmas gifts for your three. Your husband can sort himself out in the future (including childcare for his first daughter and 50% for his second daughter) if he wants to treat them differently.

Seriously? Be that fucking nasty to a child??

SudocremOnEverything · 11/11/2022 19:25

Letthekidsplay · 11/11/2022 19:22

Really sad :( he obviously doesn’t consider your children to be his or think of himself as their dad so they basically have no dad - nice guy….

That is horribly unfair.

It’s not OK to blame the OP’s partner for her ex’s failings.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 11/11/2022 19:25

AliensAteMyHomework · 11/11/2022 19:24

This is exactly why "blending" families for the gratificationof adults is so damaging to children and an utterly selfish thing to do.

How utterly helpful Hmm