Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

Take 2 and 3 out for a special Mummy day with you. You get quality time with 2 of your children and he gets quality time with his 2 children and none of the kids will even question it. I only have 1 but if I had more than 1 I would try and do something with each individually as well as family time all together. As it is sometimes we have family trips out as a 3 (me, her and her Papà) and sometimes one of us takes her out while the other gets housework/work done.

Gosh you really do know me well, all these “assumptions”

I didn’t conveniently leave anything out, I’ve added additional information where I’ve needed to 🤔

Nor did I want anyone to roast my OH, I was asking AIBU incase you didn’t clock the category 🤦🏽‍♀️

If child 1 is the eldest and child 4 is a baby, is he actually going to get to spend quality time either of them if he takes them out together? I'd encourage him to take them separately. Easier to explain to the other kids too.

I think the DP not being "permitted" by the ex wife to have his child stay in his own home (ridiculous) is relevant here. Does DP feel that his eldest hasn't had sufficient opportunity to bond with their baby half sibling because of this, perhaps? Whereas OP's eldest two live with their half sibling so get to spend a lot of time bonding etc. It might make DP's desire to take only the baby and his eldest out together more understandable - perhaps he wants them to have that bonding time in the way they don't get otherwise as eldest isn't "allowed" to sleep over in the family home.

The thing is, he doesn’t get to demand you must include 1 in everything, including visits to your family, and then turn around and pull this.
That’s not fair and is not on.

Also, for the people saying 1 doesn’t get to spend time alone, she does, whenever she stays overnight, it’s at the MILs, as she’s not allowed to sleep in the same house as OP.

I think he’d be reasonable to do this with his oldest daughter as she’d need more quality time with him. But don’t understand why he’s thrown the baby into this, Judy based on biology. It’s a bit crap.

In fact, the existence of a stepfamily is very often because at least one nuclear family did not work.

And lots of the issues stepfamilies face come from the ongoing dynamics and repercussions of that family not working.

This OP has a partner whose ex refuses to allow their daughter to sleep in his house, with her half sibling. She dictates how their family life can actually work. The OP’s two older children have no contact with their father.

Those issues are rooted in the original, nuclear families.

Agree with this.
Don’t let on to them they’re being excluded if you can.
Make a big fuss of them, and have a lovely day out together

Absolutely this

Probably because he wants them to form a bond, in the absence of his eldest being "allowed" (according to her mother's rules) to stay over in the family home.

Him staying at his mums to appease ex isn't healthy for your relationship. He's your partner and should be home in bed with you.

Is he committed to this relationship? He stays out and doesn't consider your kids his even though he expects them to call him dad. Why did he split with his ex

Well if this is true your DH needs to get a grip and blend your family rather than having 2 families

In* fact, the existence of a stepfamily is very often because at least one nuclear family did not work.

And lots of the issues stepfamilies face come from the ongoing dynamics and repercussions of that family not working.

This OP has a partner whose ex refuses to allow their daughter to sleep in his house, with her half sibling. She dictates how their family life can actually work. The OP’s two older children have no contact with their father.

Those issues are rooted in the original, nuclear families.*

👏🏻👏🏻

@SudocremOnEverything

Sorry I was agreeing with your post there, it didn't bold correctly!

Well if this is true your DH needs to get a grip and blend your family rather than having 2 families

To me it massively explains the DP's desire to have alone time with his eldest and the baby. It's the only time they get to bond because his eldest isn't allowed into the family home. This child's mother is being ridiculous and controlling and DP needs to stand up to her, sleep where he sees fit with his own child, and blend his family properly.

He has two children. He’s doing nothing wrong by wanting to have one-on-one time with them. He’s clearly kind to your children but ultimately he’s not their father, and it’s not his responsibility to make up for their father’s failings.

No, it doesn't make me uncomfortable. You preaching on this thread like some kind of pretend god like figure telling everhone blended families are evil makes me uncomfortable. I know they're not perfect, I have been on all bloody sides of one, but telling people WHO ARE ALREADY PART OF ONE how wrong it is is fucking stupid. Hth.

Child 1 NEEDS to have alone time with her dad and biological sister without your daughters being there. They are not her sisters and she won’t see them as such no matter how much you want to believe it.

you really need to accept and respect this

he is a dad figure to your daughters but he is not their dad. He does not have to treat your daughters exactly the same as his own daughters. It sounds like he is being a kind step dad and that’s enough. It is their own dads job to be their real dad.

it is normal for all parents with multiple children to do things with one and not the others. They don’t all have to have exactly the same experiences all of the time. It’s healthy to teach them that they take it in turns for treats.

But then he shouldn’t be able to dictate that OP includes his child when she’s visiting with her family. It cuts both ways 🤷‍♀️

Yes this, just for clarification she is allowed in the family home just when it comes to bed time they leave and drive half hour away to go to sleep and then come back in the morning 🤦🏽‍♀️

I think his concern is that if he tells his ex to stick it and stays here with dd then his ex will stop him from seeing dd as she has threatened to before.

I don’t disagree with you at all. It absolutely does cut both ways.

Come to think of it... does DP's eldest child even have any sort of relationship whatsoever with OP's eldest 2? How would these 3 children even know each other if the eldest isn't allowed into the family home? Unless they have met and bonded etc outside of the home? 🤔

It's all very odd and unhealthy but none of that as far as I can see is OP's fault. The issue is the mother who won't allow her child to stay at her dad's house, and the father who won't tell the mother where to go so his daughter can just be part of the family unit. What sort of message is she getting that she isn't allowed to integrate within her dad's family? Poor kid!

What ages are the children?

It's not an uncomfortable fact it's essentially bullying because you pop up all over the place slating people for blending families.

You think facts become less valid because they are unfortunately required to be stated repeatedly?

Also, love to see your evidence for this given that I NC all the time and have used this name for what, approximately 2-3 weeks, as usual? Despite having been a member for years. So the chances of me having "popped up all over" saying anything are... zero.

Honestly, I understand why you said what you said, but I’d not make him tell the kids he’s taking the others out and not them.

Id be bright and breezy, in fact make it sound like the others are not coming with YOU for various reasons.
’We’re out going us three, as the baby will interrupt us, and 1 is too old/going to help with the baby’ or whatever, and a nice day with 2 and 3.

I would then make a conscious decision to do some things with 1, and some things with just yours, and no more pandering or being accused of not including.

Whats good for the goose and all that