Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

I would be making a judgment for my child not judging the OP.

You'd be judging the op. Of course you would. With no valid reason to either.

You absolutely would, yes.

Both of them are, and that’s my entire point. Adults making ridiculous decisions that have major impacts on children. But you’re all cool with that, because it’s love, or whatever, as if nothing else should be taken into account.

There’s a reason Women’s Aid etc advise a long period of no dating after leaving an abuser. Because too often, women walk smack into another one.

It would be based on instinct. The judgment would be potentially on OP’s ex not OP .

Do you want to quote where I have said "it's okay because it's love or whatever"?

I simply haven't said that. I haven't said nothing else should be taken into account, either. I have given the op constructive advice.

That's a big leap considering we have absolutely no basis to assume her husband is abusive, at all. I wonder if women's aid reccomend ripping other women to shreds on the internet? I'd bet they don't.

But ops ex isn't involved, at all? So how can it be based on him? He essentially does not exist in relation to this child.

Adults making ridiculous decisions that have major impacts on children. But you’re all cool with that,

What about the two adults who made a decision to marry and have a child, then subsequently got divorced and forced that child to have 2 separate homes? Are we judging them, too, for their poor decisions? Or just the part that comes afterwards....? 🤔

I would be worried he would try to access his children unlawfully and be a danger to those in the house. Maybe naive of me but I wouldn’t want my child there.

Would you also worry that the house might spontaneously burst into flames?

I don't think that would be a good enough reason to keep a child from their father, particularly and I don't think a court would either.

OP stated her ex isn’t allowed to see their children. Have a quick scan of threads on here of women at their wits end with family courts ordering their DCs to see abusive fathers, read what those fathers have done/continue to do, and it’s not much of a leap to assume her ex is a serious monster or is banged up so can’t see them.

You’ll be telling me to “be kind” next, that’s the next step in shutting people down that don’t agree with you. It’s not unreasonable to point out that OP probably went from an abusive relationship straight into a new relationship that resulted in a pregnancy very quickly and that it’s problematic and plays a part in DSDs mother not wanting her child around this dumpster fire of a scenario.

How many women per week are killed by their partners/exs? 2. Plus many more viciously attacked. So it’s not an unreasonable concern, at all. But you don’t like stats.

Again, what has her ex, got to do with the current situation. You are assuming her dp is abusive.

Again, I've not said be kind. In fact everything you've said I've said, I haven't. Are you slightly confused?

I'm sure that is why sds mother is doing this, but it doesn't make it acceptable, right or the best thing for her daughter.

I know full well how many, but considering we don't know where ops ex is or why he doesn't see his children we couldn't possibly assume whether that is an actual risk or not. Are you suggesting that women who have been in abusive relationships should be avoided by everyone else? That's a bold statement.

You don’t think his behaviour surrounding her young children calling him Daddy is concerning?

What other scenario do you envisage a man is not allowed to see his children?

Op , I’m ignoring anything other than your comments. The issue is that you treat dsd as your child, and dh treats his dsc as not his. I get both points of view but you need to discuss as adults and agree a way forward. Or not.

You can’t make him love your kids the way he loves his own children . . So it may hurt your dc to understand that he’s not dad to them. Getting them to understand at their ages ‘dad’ only wants to spend individual time with 2 children isn’t going to be bloody awful.

I couldn’t live in that dynamic, as much as I get his perspective so I’d be out.

I wonder if his eldest daughters contact time is the only time he has had off work lately, and he actually wants to spend time with the baby but is trying to fit this into SD time as no other time off? Just a total guess but it could be more about wanting some 1-2-1 time with the baby, as he already gets 1-2-1 with SD.

Totally agree. Children will only start feeling left out when they are left out.

I’m not sure treating children exactly the same is ‘good’ for children tbh. I can’t imagine being a child and my parents splitting up, my father meeting someone else, and suddenly being told that her kids were now my siblings and that I couldn’t spend one-on-one time with me any more because in his eyes these kids were equal to me, his actual child.

I’d be massively hurt and raging tbh, and I sure as shit wouldn’t have particularly pleasant feelings towards either him or his new family.

YABU. Unless you include child 1 in every single activity you do with your kids that is. Of course he is going to have stronger bonds and want to spend time with his bio kids. I adored my step kids but they weren't a patch on my actual child.

I totally agree.